I bet my life on you
by Burning-Amber-19
Summary: Set in TOS Academy, year 2252, follows Jim and Spock's lives - my take on how they became what they did. My intent is to be as canon compliant as possible, while still exploring a back story of how they started - to eventually become the ultimate pair. I would love to know your thoughts as you read along, please leave reviews! WIP, updated weekly if not sooner. K/S.
1. Chapter 1

**First contact**

2252, StarFleet Training Academy,

San Francisco, Earth.

0830 hours.

Spock stepped on to the paved path and started walking briskly. It was an overcast day but it looked unlikely to rain. The Academy grounds were particularly crowded today. The next new batch of cadets were arriving and groups of people huddled everywhere. Older cadets exhibited high energy as they surveyed the incoming fresh ones. As he made his way through the campus grounds, he reflected back on the past two years.

He had arrived on Earth 830 terran days ago, and began his Starfleet science studies and cadet training. His first year had been spent in learning all aspects of humans, and life on Earth, which were significantly different than the Vulcan's. During this period, he was stationed away from the campus grounds. It was deemed necessary to keep him secluded since the onslaught of being surrounded by humans would have shocked his system.

After the first year of slow immersion, which StarFleet designed for him specifically, he had started his regular Academy training successfully on campus. He had learnt to acclimatize to the water rich atmosphere. On the rare days, when it was sunny and dry, he was reminded of his home planet Vulcan, but he did not reminisce about it long. When he had applied to the Academy, the first ever Vulcan to do so, he was met with enthusiastic response from the humans. This was in stark contrast to the Vulcan Science Academy, where his decision was met with cold silence and his father's refusal to respect his choice. In true Vulcan fashion, there were no heated arguments, and no emotional outburst of course but Sarek had nevertheless stopped all means of communication with Spock.

Spock noted that the incoming humans were mostly of 17-19 years of age, considerably younger to Spock who was 20, at the time of joining. A Vulcan at 20, however was mentally equivalent to a fully grown mature human adult. As such, he found most of his peers severely lacking in control over their emotions. He observed, as families were saying teary-eyed goodbyes to their children and brothers and sisters for the next five years. He watched with fascination, parents hugging and displaying affection openly. There had been no such farewell for him, and he had arrived alone, much to the astonishment of his classmates a year back.

This same human quality had also caused much suffering to his fellow trainees. In the first few weeks, a number of humans exhibited symptoms of restlessness, grief and distress, as they had adjusted to the rigors of training without the benefit of family support. In the following months, some left the academy permanently unable to cope up and of the remaining, many found themselves distracted from their studies by events in their personal lives - particularly of romantic nature.

He had arrived with nothing but few personal items and embarked on a journey, where no Vulcan had gone before. StarFleet had shown much compassion and understanding, in particular an officer called Pike. Pike had taken the young Vulcan under his wings, as the terran phrase went, and saw to it that Spock was assigned a private room in spite of shared quarters being the norm for trainees. Due to his Vulcan background and on grounds of required privacy for daily meditation, Pike had convinced StarFleet to let Spock have a room to his own. Spock was deeply grateful for this gesture - a place to go where he found solitude after daily exposure to human emotions was paramount to his mental well being.

At first, Spock wasn't accustomed to the human ways of communicating, and therefore frequently failed to express adequately, in matters involving his personal life. Humans had tried inviting him to parties, girls had approached him showing romantic inclinations, and men had challenged him to wrestling matches and pick up sports. When he had made it clear he was not interested in any of them, they left him alone. He was however, not oblivious to the fact, that this was their way of welcoming him and he acknowledged this human concept of friendship though unable to reciprocate.

He did not need much beyond basic needs and in academia, there were no problems in communications, as his precise and scientific mind was already sought after.

Lost in his thoughts, Spock let his gaze wander around. There were no classes today, the day had been declared as "orientation day" and Spock was not dressed in his uniform. Spock was however on his way to the Science lab, where he planned to continue working on his project.

His eyes fell on a young man with blonde hair, bright eyes and a tall muscular frame. The man was hoisting his single luggage on his shoulders as he got off the bus next to the grounds. He was dressed in the red cadet uniform and Spock stopped in his tracks for no logical reason. He observed the cadet taking in the scene before him - the sprawling grounds filled with a sea of red uniforms. Curiously, he had no family with him, no one that Spock could see had accompanied him. This spiked Spock's curiosity. Unlike the others, he also had just one piece of luggage. Most fascinating.

Spock made a decision and turned away from his intended destination and instead approached the Cadet.

"Do you require assistance?"

The young cadet looked up with eyes which seemed to almost burn with intensity. Spock was taken aback for a moment. Schooling his features back to their normal calm arrangement he waited.

"Are you Vulcan?!" the man counter questioned with a smile.

"Indeed. " Spock waited for the answer to his offered assistance.

"And a Cadet?" Another question.

"I am. "

"What year?" The cadet had started walking and Spock found himself following.

"Second year, accelerated track. "

The cadet glanced at him sideways, he was just a little shorter than Spock who was taller than most humans. The young man could not have been more than 18 but there was a quiet determination in his movements. He didn't display any signs of the usual distress or nervousness, that Spock had grown accustomed to from new cadets. Spock wasn't sure anymore if the Cadet required his assistance after all. He decided to proceed back to his Science project.

"Have you had a chance to go into space yet?" fired the blonde before Spock had a chance to speak his changed mind.

"I have not. First year cadets are not assigned starship duty." Spock found himself explaining more than he intended. _Interesting_.

"Why not?"

"I presumed that was the norm after taking into consideration the amount of skill, experience and maturity required of space assignments, that first year cadets were found to be lacking in all three".

"One must not presume anything," was the first non-question the human had spoken so far. And it was quite a declaration from someone who had been on the Academy grounds for precisely 7 minutes.

Spock raised an eyebrow and read the man's face. He had spoken in an easy manner, betraying no defiance or agitation. A smile which radiated warmth was directed at Spock and those bright eyes continued studying him.

"It appears you require no assistance from me. I will then take your leave and allow you to become familiar with your fellow trainees." Spock spoke politely and got ready to walk away.

"Didn't I just say, one shouldn't presume anything?" laughed the young man.

"I am Kirk," and surprising Spock yet again, he didn't extend his hands in the customary earth greeting. Instead he stood tall and waited for Spock to respond.

"I am Spock," and he slowly raised his hand in a ta'al - a gesture he had not made in two terran years - and realized the significance of this young man's awareness.

Kirk mirrored his ta'al and broke into a full smile. The thought of his beloved Vulcan sun flashed in Spock's mind.

"You look good in that jacket." Kirk said with a twinkle in his eyes and before Spock could recover from that statement continued, "Care to show me around?"

Spock found himself incapable of a response for a few seconds. _His jacket?_ He looked down to see his black faux leather jacket.

The cadet seemed completely capable of finding his way around, and judging from the few minutes of conversation, was probably capable of finding his way to space as well, but Spock and his jacket seemed illogically wanting to help.

"Which building have you been assigned to, Cadet Kirk?"

"Building A, room 1015. Aren't all first years assigned to building A?" came back the inevitable question.

"I was told not to presume," Spock replied with a raised eyebrow.

That earned him a golden laughter with a head thrown back. Spock found he was pleased with himself. The next moment he was horrified. _Did he just attempt terran humor?_

"Lead away Mr. Spock!"


	2. Chapter 2

**First day**

Kirk woke up to the sound of the automated voice announcing the time in clipped tone. It was 4:45 AM and he was supposed to start his day. He considered for a moment ignoring the voice but then reluctantly threw off the thermal blanket and walked across the room to where the alarm-clock was repeating its message. As soon as he was in range, the device scanned his eyes and the alarm went off - to sound again in 24 hours.

He stretched and peered out his window to look over the bay. His part of the room was one of the lucky few which had a view. The flip side being it was a corner narrow room with an awkward architecture due to being housed under the building's machinery room. It was tucked away in the farthest section of the building. This room was L shaped and the shared bathroom was situated between the two tiny bedrooms. He had been told most of the times the room remains unassigned. Sharing a room with another cadet was his only real worry before coming to StarFleet. His nightmares and his dark past wasn't something Kirk wanted anyone else to ever know.

His roommate was Cadet Alexai Ivanov - a shy young freckled Russian boy. He looked really young, even considering how young most of them were. They had met last evening and exchanged just a few words before the Russian had fled to his part of the room. Jim felt bad for him; the poor kid was far from his motherland.

The early dawn greeted him with white rolling fog. He could hardly see the tops of the Golden Gate Bridge. He had been warned that the weather changes every mile here. Nothing like Iowa.

He asked the room aloud what the temperature was outside. The automated voice replied "10 degrees Celsius".

He put on his running shorts and pulled on a hoodie. It was end of July, the hottest month in San Francisco but the city hardly wore summer as it was meant to be - it was chilly in mornings.

He broke into a jog as he exited his building and headed straight for the path which ran around the campus along the bay. There weren't many souls awake yet and he enjoyed the quiet grounds before the first day would start and the ground would be swamped with cadets hurrying about. He passed the groundskeeper and nodded a smile to him and soon he was running with music in his ears with the white fog all around him. The path took him away from the main campus and into a trail in a pristine section of the bay area.

After half an hour he reached a point where the trail curved up the slope in a steep grade and the other side was overlooking the water edge. He moved to the edge and stopped to catch his breath. The view would have been breath taking, he was sure, if he could have seen past the mist. Nevertheless he was happy to have something slightly similar to the Iowa wilderness to run in.

It was time to turn around but before he could step back into the trail he caught sight of a tall dark figure emerging from the fog coming down from the hills above him. The runner was covered from head to toe in black - wearing black tracks with matching black hoodie and his tight coiled muscles moved beneath the thick fabric as he ran with long graceful legs. Jim had a vision of cheetah combined with a gazelle. The guy rounded the corner at an impressive speed not breaking stride and disappeared into the white mist towards the Academy grounds. It was only the ears which gave him away from the distance Jim was at. Those pointed ears belonged to only one - Jim knew that. So, apparently he was not the only one who rose at an ungodly hour. In fact it seemed the Vulcan rose even earlier and had already completed a freaking climb up the steep hill. As Kirk made his way back, he marveled at the fact that Spock seemed to be top physical form. Kirk was extremely fit but Spock had set the bar higher.

Back in his room, he heard Ivanov was awake and just finished shower. So Jim took his turn and showered and dressed in his red uniform waited for his roomie to join him.

When the Russian appeared, Jim brightly said "Good morning! Did you sleep well?"  
Ivanov mumbled "Yes. " red faced and stood awkwardly. Jim felt sorry for the boy, maybe he was homesick, maybe he had grown up with a loving family, a sheltered life. Jim would make sure to help the boy acclimatize as best as he could.  
" I am going off to the cafe to eat, I thought we could go together...?"  
Ivanov nodded and they walked out together. Jim tried to ask questions about the Russian's background and got monosyllables in replies. So he dropped it.

He realized they were one of the first few in the huge atrium hall. He let Ivanov go first at the food synthesizers. At his turn as he stood ordering up bacon, eggs and fries a dry voice droned behind him - "That food will make you an old man before you know it."  
Jim turned and found himself looking into piercing blue eyes and a tired face of a young man few years older than himself.

" Did you mistake yourself to be my Mom?"  
" Nah kid, but trust me, if you keep up with this kind of food, you will find yourself out of breath and out of those good looks before long."

" I see. " said Jim for lack of anything better and out of some sense of misplaced guilt he finished punching his order with a bowl of fresh fruit.

He walked back to the table Alexai had sat down at, sat next to him and looked up as the man ordered his own tray of disgustingly healthy oatmeal and a glass of water. Jim motioned with his hands towards their table.  
" You always eat this way? " he asked as the lanky blue eyed man sat down across from him.  
" I try to. "  
" Why? Are you dying?"  
That earned him a chuckle as the man shook his head silently glancing at Jim with a twinkle in his eyes.

" I am Jim Kirk, first year cadet. This is my roommate Cadet Alexai Ivanov. What kind of uniform is that you wearing?"

" McCoy, Leonard McCoy." the man replied " I am a doctor and I know too damn much about the body to fool myself. "

" Sweet! You are a doctor? I guess that explains the attitude. " he replied with a grin which could light up a room. In spite of the man's criticism of his food choices, he instantly liked him.  
With the grin still on his face he turned towards his new roommate trying to include Ivanov into the conversation. The boy went red and choked on his porridge. Mumbling some apology, he suddenly got up and managed to say " I have a class to catch. Thanks for ...this Mr. Kirk." and without waiting for a reply hightailed out of the cafeteria. Jim stared at him puzzled. Did he unintentionally make the Russian uncomfortable?

" Well Mr. Bones, what are you doing here?" Jim turned to the doctor.  
" I am not Bones." McCoy rolled his eyes but his face betrayed amusement before he continued " What do you mean what I am doing here?"  
" Since you are already a doctor I am curious what brings you to the Academy" explained Jim with his insatiable curiosity on full display.

" I am here for a yearlong field prep training given my civilian background before I go on my first mission." McCoy said with a sigh.

That caught Jim's attention immediately.  
" You are going to space? Which ship? Where?... Why? "  
" Slow down kiddo. Did anyone tell you, you ask too many questions?" he chuckled. "Next year StarFleet is planning a mission to Dramia II to conduct a mass-inoculation program. I signed up to lead it. " he explained in a resigned voice.

" You don't sound too happy about it...What's so interesting on Dramia II" ? Jim asked eagerly.  
" Yeah, let's just say space and I have a complicated relationship". The he leaned towards Kirk and said with much more enthusiasm than he had shown so far "The planet is a study in desolation; it is the outer space equivalent of "Devil's Island"-if Devil's Island were a leper colony."

McCoy stood up, his breakfast finished.  
Jim stood up as well, his breakfast done except the bacon - for whatever reason he had decided to - at least pretend - eating healthy in front of his new friend.  
" You have to tell me all about it tomorrow ! Man, I can't wait to go into space! " Jim said dreamily and then with a friendly pat on McCoy's shoulders he said " It was nice to meet you Bones , see you tom?"  
Bones rolled his eyes again at the name but smiled back " See you tom, kiddo". And when he was almost out of Jim's earshot McCoy quipped " And go easy on poor Ivanov".  
Jim looked at McCoy with surprise but the doctor was already on his way out.

Kirk's first day went pleasantly. He found most of his classes challenging enough and he liked his classmates. The girls showed extra interest in him as usual and he enjoyed that good naturedly.

In the evening when he returned to his room, he peeked into his roomie's bedroom and found him deeply engrossed in his PADD. Jim hesitated for a second but the door had been left open so he knocked politely and Ivanov looked up startled. Jim slid into the room and asked " How was your day? "  
" It was not bad Mr. Kirk. "  
" Hey...we are buddies... Call me Jim." he smiled with what he hoped was the right amount of tact.

Ivanov refused to meet his eyes though and started fidgeting.  
So Jim soldiered on " Ummm...did you already eat? If not we can go together".  
The Russian shook his head, eyes fixed downwards and said " I eat early Mr. Kirk. Thank you for asking. "  
Jim sighed. The kid was either brought up in some aristocracy or for reason which Jim could not understand; he just couldn't relax in front of Kirk.  
" Its Jim. Well, I am starving...so I will go and eat some. I may go for a walk later. So...goodnight then Ivanov."  
Finally the slender young Russian looked up and managed to reply " I will be going out with my phriends. Goodnight...Jeem" and at that he again turned beetroot red.

As Jim left him alone, he realized with relief the boy had managed to make friends after all and so Jim really did not have to take it on himself anymore. Besides, he clearly wasn't helping!

After dinner, Kirk went for a stroll around the meticulously kept grounds. Almost every one of his classmates had gone bar hopping across the city, and some had invited him but he was really not into the whole party scene. Occasionally yes. But not regularly though he knew his looks and mannerisms caused people to assume the worst.

He was actually excited to walk to the famous Golden Gate bridge and watch the spectacular sun set. He stood over the flowing waters till the sky turned dark and he could make out the few stars above and the lights from the space docks above the city.  
James T. Kirk was happy. He had finally found a place under the stars where he could be learning all he wanted and his lifelong dream was within his reach.


	3. Chapter 3

**Number One**

Spock got dressed in his black uniform as it was his teaching day. A year after arriving, the Academy had realized Spock's potential and asked him to start teaching some of the more elementary level courses. Spock enjoyed teaching. He found sharing his knowledge with the humans his way of reciprocating the welcome the humans had extended him. He was known as a "strict" teacher (some disgruntled students used terms like "asshole" "Mr. Rules" ) but he was always pleased to help the few bright cadets who took extra interest and sought his advice.

As he entered his first class of Astrophysics, he prepared himself mentally to face the new cadets who had joined. The first few days were always a little unsettling as the new cadets took their time in adapting to his method of teaching. Spock put his bag down on the instructor table, and logged into the holo-projector server. Once satisfied, he turned his attention to the class, which had become completely quiet. A few of the new cadets were openly staring at him.

Spock took a breath and spoke calmly " I am instructor Spock. Welcome to StarFleet Academy. I find it easier to first address the issues of my appearance as no doubt some of you have noticed." Some of the eyes dropped down with a look of embarrassment. Spock continued " I am Vulcan and any questions about the Vulcan race will be addressed after class, if there are any. I expect your full attention to the lecture now..." and at that moment his eyes fell on a blonde cadet with sparkling clear eyes. _Kirk_. Spock lost his train of thoughts for a micro second ... that had never happened before. His tore his eyes away from the mesmerizing pair and carried on.

After 180 minutes, the class was done and the cadets started filing out. As Spock gathered up his props of teaching, he glanced up as the last Cadet stopped by the door. It was Cadet Kirk. Spock was in a bind and did not know what the proper human expectation was in this scenario. However the moment passed as Kirk gave him a lop sided smile and then one of his eyes completely closed while the other remained open. And then he was gone. Spock was perplexed. Did the Cadet suffer from a neurological tic?

Later that evening, back in his room, Spock could not shake off the morning's encounter with Kirk.

After five minutes of deliberation, he decided to look up the StarFleet's exhaustive human behavior database. He found an entry titled "wink" matching the description what Cadet Kirk had done today morning and read the result with what he hoped was scientific curiosity.

"Winking is one of the more subtle gestures, usually involving eye contact between those involved. In most cases it is only meant to be known by the sender and their intended receivers...

In some cultures it is often a sexual interest, or flirtatious manner, during momentary eye contact. This is often followed by a smile and usually a smile from the receiver if it is accepted or approved by them, sometimes combined with blushing if they are embarrassed."

A green hue colored Spock's cheeks as he assimilated this information. He also noted this was the second time in last 6 days that he had experienced the completely unexpected and illogical curiosity in this particular human. In all the two years spent so far on Earth he had never been afflicted by such emotionalism. This realization caused the green color to further climb up his cheeks.

Vulcans of course didn't feel embarrassment he reminded himself and with that he promptly marched off to meditation. He needed an extra hour today.

Spock was hunched over his console, absorbed in his readings when his communicator beeped. He was working on a personal project about warp core efficiency and it was still in beta phase.

He looked at the number but it was not an acquaintance. It was from StarFleet though.

" Mr. Spock, you are requested in meeting room 345B at 1030 hours tomorrow. Please bring your schematics for the warp engine project you have been working on."

Spock looked at the message for a few seconds. This had to be from an officer as he had not shared his project with any cadets.

" I will be there." he replied.

The next day, armed with his PADD he arrived at the designated meeting room to find a single occupant.

A human female with dark hair, cold blue eyes and a commanding presence was waiting for him sitting at the head of a long oblong table.

She indicated the chair across and Spock silently slid down.

She spoke in an even tone, "I appreciate your time Mr. Spock. Hence, I will keep this brief. I am Lieutenant Commander Robbins, Captain Pike's first officer or simply known as Number One. Captain Pike has high regards for you."

Spock indicated his acknowledgement with a slight nod but said nothing else.

"We are preparing for a 5 year voyage, as you must be well aware, and I am here to enquire about your interest in joining the crew."

"I would be gratified if I am given the opportunity to do so." Spock replied.

" Excellent. We will require preparing you for this long mission. I am aware that you are in your second year and the average Cadet trains extensively after graduation before embarking on a long voyage like ours. However, I am told you are no average Cadet." She brought up her PADD then and flicked it on. Handing the PADD over to him she continued " Here is a plan I have drawn up, on Captain Pike's recommendation, which will help you prepare while simultaneously finishing up your graduation here. I am aware this will require significant time and effort from you. Please feel free to reach out to me at any time, if you encounter any challenges."

Spock briefly glanced over the two year plan. It was detailed, precise and well written. His admiration for Pike extended to his first officer now. The human female or Number One as she had referred to herself, was clearly competent.

" Noted, Lt. Cmdr. Robbins."

" One final item before we wrap up. Am I correct in understanding that you have been engaged in a personal project on warp core efficiency?"

"That is correct. I have been working on finding a mathematical equation to determine the proper mix of matter and antimatter in the warp core reaction chamber among starship propulsion systems. From my studies of engine failures and accidents in past missions, I have concluded that developing an appropriate intermix formula can prevent destruction of a ship in critical situation. I am afraid my study is in beta stage and will require significant testing before I can conclude if my hypothesis works."

Number One listened attentively and then thought about this for a few moments.

" This is one of my areas of interest as well Mr. Spock. Though my primary duty will be helmsman on the mission, I have been working on projects on warp engine last several years between missions. When I came across your letter for request to research, I was immediately curious. I have read through your proposal but I would like to listen to the details if you don't mind. Please don't worry about the incompleteness of your solution yet."

There were few things Spock found more appealing than talking about one of his science or engineering experiments. He hooked up his PADD with the holo-projector in the meeting room and for the next 45 minutes explained in details his findings and his hypothesis. He was impressed with Number One's grasp on the matter as she asked questions and challenged him on some of his assumptions.

When he was done, she finally bent her lips in a smallest of smile and her face transformed into a soft warm expression. Spock had a hypothesis that this was a rare occurrence for the human and it was their shared interest over warp core that had brought about this change. He returned the favor.

She got up smartly and walked out of the room with a " Please keep me posted Mr. Spock."

" I will certainly do so. "

Spock was already looking forward to the possibility of serving alongside the two brilliant humans like Pike and Robbins. He had not thought possible before joining StarFleet that he would find humans capable of commanding his respect. Vulcans were physically, mentally and intellectually superior to humans but Spock was learning that qualities like leadership, courage and justice had nothing to do with one's race.

In spite of these developments Spock had never considered any of these humans outside professional boundaries. Until he had met Cadet Kirk.


	4. Chapter 4

**Confusion**

By the end of first week, everyone had noticed his astonishingly good looks and by end of first month they had realized he had brains to match the looks. Kirk was used to this. All his life people would judge him by his boyish looks. Not that he was complaining about the good genes he had been handed down. However, occasionally he did get frustrated when he had to work extra hard to prove he was more than just a pretty face. Once he was given an opportunity at anything, it took only a short time before his genius and maturity way beyond his years were recognized.

He had lived through hell. He had faced death and darkness which others his age couldn't dream of. This only made him even more determined. His uncle had recognized this in him and has sponsored him for StarFleet. For that he will be eternally grateful. He knew his place was in the stars and he also knew he was meant to lead. He had always been the one to shelter the weak, stand up for the oppressed, fight for justice and to court risks. Anything else other than a starship captaincy would leave him bored to death.

His thoughts swirled about as he got ready for his morning jog. For the past few weeks he had discovered a new motivation to get out of his bed. It was to catch a glimpse of a dark tall runner. Jim never made his presence known. But every morning he watched from a safe distance as Spock ran past the corner of the hill at precisely 5:25 AM.

He had met brilliant minds in his class and in his seniors. StarFleet recruited the best and he was happy to be in company of such great fellow humans. Then there were few odd aliens who chose to train on Earth instead of the Academy's satellite branches on their own planets. As Jim put on his shorts and hoodie and tied his laces, he mulled over the fact that the Vulcan was the only one Jim found a mystery.

From what little he had ascertained Spock was beyond brilliant. He was a genius. Already teaching before even half way through his training. He was apparently also an athlete of highest caliber Kirk had seen. The morning run up and down the hill he made everyday was equivalent to a full day of hike for Jim. But Spock ran with ease and not a hair had been out of place. Jim wanted to know more about the dark haired pointed ears alien being. He admired Spock already. But the vulcan was hard to find. He was never seen on campus or in the cafeteria or study hall or anywhere Kirk had been hanging out. Spock was intensely private it seemed. Another intriguing trait.

Kirk ran his usual circuit, got his morning fix of Spock for the few moments it lasted, and came back to his room. Today was Spock's Astrophysics lecture and Jim was eager to get going. He was going to have his breakfast with Bones as had become their ritual and then go to his class. He liked Bones a lot. The man was like an older brother rolled into a friend with a dry wit to match. Bones was also a breakthrough scientist doctor as Kirk was slowly learning. He never talked of it but Jim of course had million questions and the doctor obliged Jim with details of his experiments.

Jim opened his door and froze. His eyes swept across his tiny room. The pillows and bed sheets were on floor. The few clothes he owned were strewn about. It was like a tornado had gone through. He slowly walked through the bathroom which was untouched and over to Alexai's tiny bedroom. It was unoccupied. Alexai's shoes were on the floor in a haphazard manner and his jacket carelessly lay by the front door. Jim's heart started pounding. Something wasn't right, his intuition was screaming at him. He exited from Alexai's side of their room and looked around the empty corridor. He couldn't see anyone. It was still early and other cadets in their rooms down the corridor were probably just getting out of bed. Jim and Alexai's room was at the end separated by a long empty space from the other parts of the building.

"Ivanov?" he called as he started searching frantically.

A painful whimper came from the dark end of the corridor, past their room, at the very end of the building near the emergency stairs exit.

Jam ran and there on the floor lay a crumpled Alexai, his hands tied behind him, blood pouring from his a cut in his head. His left eye was swollen, lips bleeding and his left knee was bent in a grotesque angle.

Jim's blood ran cold.

" Jesus! What happened to you?" he knelt down besides the young boy who had pure terror in his eyes.

Alexia was gagged and Jim removed the paper from his mouth gently, and started untying his bound hands.

" Jeem! Don't tell anyone! "spluttered the kid with blood stained teeth.

Jim paused and spoke very gently " You need help buddy, you are hurt and probably going into shock."

" NO! Don't tell anyone. They can't know." sobbed the Russian.

"Who can't know?... Who did this to you?" Jim asked in a tight voice still working on untying the tightly bound wrists. Rage and concern flooded him.

" He wore a mask. I couldn't see... He came from your side and asked me if I was your boyphriend..."

"He asked _what_?! " Jim was taken aback.

" ..I said no...and then he dragged me to here and ...started beating me and I don't remember much but ...we heard your footsteps and he escaped. " Alexai's head fell back as he gasped for air, having spoken with his last reserves of energy.

" It's okay now. You are safe. He won't hurt you again" Jim murmured gently as he finished untying the wrists and examined his head wound. He flipped open his communicator and typed in the number to campus medical service.

" _Please Jeem!_ "

Jim heard the urgency and terror in his friend's voice. " What is it Alexai? What are you not telling me?"

"My family...can't...they don't know...it will destroy them" The Russian was struggling to breath now. He had started shivering.

" But someone attacked _you_! Why would anyone fault _you_? "

" Not theee ...att-aa-cckkkk...you caaan't meeenntionn...abbbbout bbbboy phriend..." with that Alexai was utterly spent and lost consciousness.

Jim looked at his roommate thoughtfully. After a moment's indecision, he called the emergency services. He had no choice; he wasn't going to let Ivanov bleed to death.

When the medics arrived he didn't tell them anything about what Ivanov had told him, simply that he had been out running and when he came back he had discovered Ivanov in this condition.

They asked him a couple of questions about Ivanov's possible enemies, any involvement in gangs or drugs etc. Jim honestly could say NO to every one of those.

Something told Jim he should not mention about the attack in his room either. Instinct was all it was, but so far in his life, his instinct was what had saved him time and again. So he listened to his inner voice.

He watched Ivanov being carried out on stretcher, his mind overwhelmed with worry about the boy's extent of injuries.

When they had left he went back to his ransacked room, a thousand thoughts clamoring for attention.


	5. Chapter 5

**Aftermath**

Kirk sat numbly on his trashed bed. In his hand he was still clutching the paper he had removed from Ivanov's mouth. He unfolded the bloody paper and read the words - " _Fuck you pretty boy. If you say one word to anyone,I will hurt your people,you are so fucked James T. Kirk_ ". Jim's head was spinning.

His wrist watch beeped. It was his reminder for going to his class. Kirk tried to get his thoughts in order. This had to wait. He searched for a fresh pair of uniform tunic and trousers in the mess and took a quick shower. He looked for his PADD everywhere but it was gone! He was already late for breakfast so he decided to skip it.

As his head exploded with the implication of the attack, his feet automatically took him. Only when he stopped at the mess hall entrance did he realize he had come here on autopilot. _Shit! Now he was going to be actually late for class!_ He turned around and started sprinting across the grounds cursing the design of the Academy with buildings so far from each other. By the time he came skidding at the door of the classroom, panting and out of breath, the class had started. Kirk walked quietly to the last row and sat down. Spock didn't stop his lecture but he met his eyes and there was surprise mixed with disappointment. Kirk felt awful. He knew Spock prized punctuality and Jim himself was never a slacker. This whole morning had started out most bizarre and shocking.

He tried to focus on the lecture but found his thoughts scattered. Who had broken into their room? Who does that? It wasn't like he was in some remote seedy part of a small town. This was Academy grounds! And why was Alexai targeted in the first place? _Pretty boy -_ the words from the note sent a shiver down his spine. It was a personal attack. Alexai had been brutalized because of _him_. Jim felt like throwing up.

"Cadet Kirk! " a sharp voice from close vicinity brought his attention back to the moment.

"Sir?" Kirk had missed the question lost in his thoughts and now Spock was looking at him with a severe expression standing tall over him.

"Where is your assignment, Cadet?" Spock was making the rounds checking assignments.

His assignment was on his PADD. Which was missing!

" I ...ummm...don't have it. I am sorry" he replied lamely, knowing his reputation was shot henceforth.

Spock simply raised an eyebrow but didn't comment further. He went around the classroom commenting on others' assignments as they showed their PADDs.

The class was done and he felt everyone's stares as they left the room. He made a dash for the doors but Spock spoke in a cool voice "I would like a word with you". Jim's heart sank.

When everyone had left and they were alone, Spock approached him. He studied Jim's face for few minutes while Jim studied his own boots. The silence was excruciating.

" I would like an explanation for your lack of punctuality today as well as your missed assignment" Spock finally asked.

Kirk knew this was coming of course. He had no answer though he had spent the last 3 hours trying to come up with one. His head had started hurting and he was starving. He had missed breakfast and he never did that. He hated hunger with a passion.

" I have no explanation, Sir" he replied not meeting Spock's eyes.

Kirk's communicator beeped just then. He didn't give his number to many people even though rumors would have one believe he handed them out to every girl whom he spoke with.

" I see. " Spock replied after another lull. "In that case, you are dismissed, Cadet."

Kirk nodded and walked out feeling dejected. Spock was the last person he wanted to think poorly of him. He flipped open his communicator. It was Bones.

 _"Where the hell have you been? You missed breakfast and not a single word all morning? And then I see your kid Ivanov all beaten up. But they are not telling anything. His parents are enroute to pick him up. You okay kiddo"?_

 _" Sorry about missing breakfast. Yeah I am okay."_ he typed back.

 _" The hell you are okay. We need to talk!"_

 _" Not now Bones, I will see you tom."_

He shut off his communicator.

Kirk decided to take his lunch to his room. He was in no mood for socialization. Rest of his day was free. He was supposed to be studying.

He walked in a daze without looking anywhere. When he finally reached his room, his lunch in a bag, he was in for another shock. The room looked just as it had been when he had woken up. All the clothes had been folded and put back in his dresser. The bed was made just as he had left it in the morning. Kirk stared wide eyed. For a moment he wondered did he imagine the whole thing? Was he going insane?!

He went over to the study desk and picked up the PADD lying there. He swore it was not here after the attack. He turned it on and everything looked like it had always been. Kirk felt like screaming and pounding the walls. The bedroom across the bathroom was eerily empty and he was going insane.

He took a deep breath and forced himself to focus. He had been attacked before, on a different planet, in different circumstances, but he had survived he reminded himself. He desperately wanted to talk to Spock but he knew he couldn't. He didn't care about his own safety but the note had said the attacker will hurt _his_ people.

The first thing he decided to do was have the PADD reformatted and wiped clean. Jim ate his lunch while he systematically deleted everything on the device and had it reformatted. Then he took his PADD over to the security office on campus to get it re-authenticated. He lied to the security officer that he accidentally broke his old PADD and this was a new one, to which the officer looked at him skeptically.

Next was the issue of access to his room. He asked the security guy about the door keypad and how secure was it.

" Why do you ask, Cadet? Is there a concern?"

" No officer, I was merely interested because it is one of my areas of research." This was true. Kirk was good at network security and encryption.

The man softened and explained in enough detail to Jim that he could now tweak with it.

And that's precisely what he did as soon as he was back. He added a second layer of coding to his room's keypad.

Finally back in his room, exhaustion crippling him, he logged into his PADD, retrieved his assignment from the cloud, and sent it to Spock with the comments "I am sorry again for today morning. Won't happen again."

And then he crashed onto his bed fully clothed. It was the first night he had missed his cherished walk to the bridge.


	6. Chapter 6

**Breakfast**

Spock had watched the human with golden hair walk away from his class. He had been taken aback at the youngster's behavior today. After the first two encounters, Spock had looked up his file using his authority code as an instructor. He had of course expected a stellar background as StarFleet had high standards. What he found was _fascinating_.

Jim Kirk was no usual bright young man. His IQ was in the genius range and he had a turbulent past. His parents were lost in an accident on a planet whose name was classified in the file. Born in Iowa he had spent first few years growing up in the mountains till the family moved away from Earth. He had a brother who was stationed at some outpost which Spock couldn't look up due to privacy locks. Kirk had been sponsored by an uncle for StarFleet.

Spock recalled the first day he had seen Kirk, alone and with just a bag over his shoulder. He felt a kinship to the human as he realized they had more in common than he first thought. Even though Sarek has ceased any communication with him he knew Amanda's affections remained unchanged. That knowledge was a part of Spock's internal strength.

Cadet Kirk was a human and humans required comfort and affection. Especially from their parents. Spock had studied human psychology extensively in his first year and he was now concerned about the Cadet more so than ever. Why this particular Cadet he chose not to analyze too deep.

After that first week, Spock had monitored Kirk's whereabouts and observed that the young man was extremely hard working without openly coming across as such. Unlike his peers, he did not spend time in various drinking joints. His assignments were of a quality far higher than any first year cadet Spock had seen. In fact he had not seen _any_ human in _any_ year produce such high quality work. Kirk went about his life with a smile on his face and an easy manner which seemed to make him even more attractive to his peers. Underneath that easy demeanor though, Spock sensed deeper and darker factors at play.

So, today morning was disturbing. Even more puzzling was the fact that Kirk had refused to answer Spock's queries.

And now he was watching the man walk away with drooped shoulders.

That evening Spock went to his habitual spot on the grounds from where he admired the rose gardens and the sky above. He had been pleasantly surprised at first to discover the familiar figure of James T. Kirk walking to the bridge where he spent a long time staring into nothing. It had become a daily ritual now. Though Spock was always far away from Kirk's position, and Kirk would not know he was being watched, Spock still felt unease at his desire to simply watch the human. He couldn't stop himself either.

 _Tonight Kirk had not appeared._ Spock waited the entire evening and his concern was now multiplied knowing something was troubling Kirk. But he had vowed he would not again bother the young man after his last attempt at "helping" so he retired back to his room and accepted the reality.

Sleep eluded him predictably. He meditated the entire night and by morning he knew he _had_ to see Kirk.

After first year of eating at cafeteria, he had been assigned his own apartment, thanks again to Pike, and it came equipped with a kitchenette. So Spock had started cooking his own simple meals in his one bedroom apartment. He no longer visited the cafeteria.

Today morning Spock broke tradition and decided to seek out Kirk.

Jim awoke with a pounding headache and groaned as he realized he had slept in his uniform. He became aware of the automated voice in the room and looked up to see the time. He had slept through his morning run!

Yesterday's events came flooding back as he started getting ready for the day. He went to Alexai's room but it was just as he had left yesterday. His heart sank. Was the boy going to recover?

Shower done, he dressed in a fresh pair of uniform and contemplated how he was going to face Bones. The man would just see straight through any lies Jim attempted. He considered excusing himself out of breakfast for a moment, but then decided that would make Bones even more suspicious.

Inside the skylighted atrium with potted trees from various planets, Bones was already at their usual table, oatmeal on his tray, eyes locked onto Jim's. Jim put effort in making his expression as normal as he could.

They ate everyday together since that first day. Ivanov had stopped having breakfast with them after the first three days. He had found his own group of friends. Jim looked towards the table where Ivanov's gang sat and noticed them looking at him with various degrees of anxiety on their faces.

He decided to go and talk to them first. No one knew anything more than himself. In fact, they were completely shocked that someone as sweet as Alexai had been bullied. One of his friends told Jim that Alexai's parents were arriving at the Academy today.

Finally he walked to his table and faced Bones.

McCoy didn't say anything, just studied him as he started eating.

"What are you looking at? I said I am fine. Nothing happened to _me_ " Jim finally said.

"Nothing happened to you _physically._ Don't try to tell me you are _fine!_ I have never seen you ignoring your food like this! And you look tired. And I bet my ass..."

Kirk cut him off "Okay yes I am obviously shaken up. I mean something terrible happened to Ivanov! "

McCoy softened up "Yes. I saw him when he was brought in. I was just getting started on my shift. He looked in bad shape. Wonder who held a grudge against the kiddo. Don't you know?"

Jim felt sick. He shook his head and moved his fork around his plate without really eating anything.

McCoy thought aloud "Did he ever mention anything? Anything at all bothering him?"

"He hardly talked to me Bones. I don't think he liked me much."

Bones gave a small yelp and choked on his oatmeal.

Jim finally looked up to see what had got to his friend. Bones was looking at him with wide eyes and then Jim saw someone standing at their table with a straight back. It was Spock!

"I apologize for the intrusion. May I join you gentlemen?" Spock said stiffly, a tray with some green soup like liquid in his hands.

In spite of himself Jim's heart soared and he broke into a smile. He didn't know how badly he wanted to see Spock till he actually saw him standing there.

"Spock! Of course you can join us."

Bones looked at Jim with a startled expression and that made Jim smile wider.

"This is my friend Dr. McCoy. McCoy, this is Spock."

Spock nodded and said formally "Doctor" and sat down next to Jim.

Jim was still smiling at the reaction on his doctor friend's face. It wasn't easy to render Bones speechless but he was right now staring back and forth between Spock and Jim.

The he huffed and stabbed at his oatmeal and muttered "You are not getting away this easy kid."

Jim replied innocently "I was not trying to. "

" Well..." and he looked hesitantly at Spock.

"You can say anything you want in front of Spock, Bones" said Jim softly and as he said so, he realized it was true. He had never thought about it till now but he trusted Spock implicitly. He didn't really know why but he did.

At this Bones was startled again but he quickly regained composure and drawled on "Okay then, you are wrong about Ivanov. Dead wrong!"

"How so?" asked Jim, wincing at the memory of Ivanov's blood soaked face at the word "Dead".

"He doesn't just not like you, you oblivious fool. He is positively crazy about you!"

"WHAT!" Jim was shocked.

"Jeez Jim! Didn't you know? The whole Academy knows."

"Knows what?" Jim was now panicking.

" He has a crush on you Jim. "

" That's impossible! I told you he avoids me. He didn't want anything to do with me."

" He doesn't speak to you because the poor kid is tongue-tied ,you dumbass. I saw it the very first day. It must have been hard on him being your roommate and all...but I thought by now you knew..." Bones shook his head exasperated.

Jim sat with his mouth open, staring at Bones.

"I have to go now...Umm, it was nice meeting you Mr. Spock. Keep an eye on him for me, will you? He hasn't been himself since the attack." Bones spoke to Spock as he stood up.

It was only then Jim remembered Spock was at the table! And he had heard the whole conversation about Ivanov. Jim was instantly embarrassed and his cheeks flushed.

"I am not a baby, Bones" he grumbled. But the doctor was already walking away.

He resolutely fixed his eyes down on his breakfast and willed his blush to go away. His head was full of conflicting thoughts!

 _Alexai had a crush on him?_

 _Why was Spock here? He never EVER saw Spock in the cafeteria!_

 _Is that why Alexai was targeted? The attacker knew about this...crush?_

 _Was Spock looking at him? Oh God, why was he still blushing like a fool!_

 _The perpetrator had asked Alexai if he was Jim's boyfriend! Shit! That's why he was chosen!_

 _STOP blushing!_

He cursed his body with its racing heart and stupid blood pooling his cheeks.

 _Not very captain like Jim._

A deep voice spoke softly "May I make a personal inquiry?"

Jim nodded not trusting his voice.

"How does Dr. McCoy employing derogatory words towards yourself make him your 'friend'"?

Jim's head jerked up at the unexpected question and again in spite of himself, he broke into a grin. But he still didn't look at Spock.

"That's how humans talk, Spock. He doesn't mean them, not in any real way."

"Interesting. May I make another personal inquiry?"

"You don't need my permission. You already have it." Jim replied.

A pause.

"Am I then correct in assuming that your current state of mind is not a result of Dr. McCoy's use of abusive words? "

Jim sighed. So, now Spock was going to grill him. Great!

"Cadet Kirk, I realize I am violating your privacy. I was...concerned after your uncharacteristic display of behavior yesterday. However, I will leave since my presence is clearly causing your discomfort." Spock said in a voice devoid of emotions and started getting up.

"Spock, stay." Jim said in a low voice without looking up. But Spock had heard it. Spock hesitated and Jim finally looked up to meet those eyes. Eyes which had seared themselves in his mind since the first time he had looked into them on the first day of his arrival.

Those eyes which remained closed off whenever Spock lectured. But he had seen those eyes open and warm and something deep lied in them which called to Jim.

They were currently looking at Jim with the same openness and there was concern in them. And some intense emotion that Jim couldn't identify.

"Stay" said Jim again. Spock sat down.

At mid-day his communicator chirped. It was from Ivanov! The guy had never once commed him in all these months. In fact Jim had forgotten that they had each other's numbers. But of course they did. They exchanged it the first day due to Jim's enthusiasm.

Before he realized Ivanov actively avoided him. And now it seems he avoided him _because he liked him?!_!

Jim shook his head to clear some of his confusion. He read the message.

"Can you come to med bay please? I need to see you."

"Of course! I am on my way right now."

Finally! Kirk had been worrying sick about his roommate. He sprinted across the lush green grounds to Campus hospital medical building. He was stopped at the entrance by a guard. He gave Ivanov's name and the guard bio scanned him, only then was he allowed to proceed.

The inside of the building was quiet. Quieter than any other campus buildings he had been to. There were bright flowering plants along the long corridor and skylights every few meters. He could see a section of garden from the huge bay windows as he walked past room after room with numbers on the door. No names. Jim was starting to build a hypothesis about the presence of the guards and the heightened security.

He arrived at room 301, as instructed by the guard and knocked gently.

"Come in" said a voice.

He stepped inside taking off his red cadet hat and tucking it under his elbow.

An elderly couple sat in the couch next to the bio-bed.

Ivanov looked up and spoke to his parents in Russian and they got up and smiled at Kirk as they passed him out of the room.

"Thank you" the older woman said gently, her eyes swimming with emotion.

"Ma'am" Kirk said simply.

He turned to his friend who looked bruised and swollen with different shaded of red and purple.

" Thanks for coming." said the Russian shyly.

" I am the last person you should thank...How are you? What does the doctor say?"

" I will be fine Mr. Kirk...My parents are here, as you saw. I will be leaving with them tonight."

" That's good buddy! You should recuperate at home and take your time healing before coming back."

" Mr. Kirk...I am...not...coming back." came the words haltingly.

"Oh?... _Oh!"_ was all Jim could say. _Ivanov was leaving StarFleet?_

" I don't have much time Mr. Kirk. My parents will be back any minute. I asked you here because I ...you..." and the boy was struggling to find words.

" Just say it. Whatever it is, please, Ivanov, the least I can do is to listen." Jim spoke earnestly.

" My parents don't know. About me." Ivanov said in a small voice.

" About you...? " Kirk was confused.

" Yes...Mr. Kirk about my...about I liking...they know you only ..as my roommate" and he turned red. But the boy took a deep breath and plowed on, clearly this was something very important and Jim _had_ to understand, " My parents are traditional. They believe in girls and boys loving each other and family. They cannot know about me..." and he looked up pleadingly.

Understanding dawned on Kirk's face. He silently thanked Bones for enlightening him about Ivanov's crush. He had been clueless but now he understood.

"I am not telling anything to anyone, Alexai." and he instinctively went to squeeze the young man's hand in an act of reassurance but Ivanov's breath sped up and he looked so torn that Jim paused midway awkwardly.

He kicked himself mentally. _The boy has a crush on you Jim! What are you doing to him?_

Kirk took a step back and simply said solemnly "You have my word."

A sigh and then in a low tone "You must leave now Mr. Kirk. My parents can't see me with you. I ..." he closed his eyes with exhaustion, embarrassment, pain...and a mixture of emotions flitted against the freckled cheeks.

Jim felt pathetic. He was the cause of so much pain to this shy boy.

He said "Goodbye Ivanov. Be well." and walked out of the room to spare Ivanov anymore misery.

As the door closed behind him gently he heard a whisper " You too Jeem."


	7. Chapter 7

**Guilt**

The next few days were one of the hardest. The weight of guilt lay on Jim's shoulders like lead. A promising young man's career had been cut short for no fault other than being _his_ roommate and for the innocent act of liking _him_. He could not see how he could forgive himself. This was not the first time people close to him had been hurt. Memories of Tarsus IV came viciously alive these last few days- the torture, the hunger, the fight to survive and the sacrifices. In the end, he _had_ survived, but lost everything in the process. He had no family left. His only brother Sam didn't want to be in his life anymore.

He had thought he had buried that chapter but after someone like Ivanov, who was not his family and had done nothing wrong at all except to know Jim Kirk, had to leave StarFleet because of _him,_ Jim was devastated. He tried his best to carry on. Studying, eating, running but sleep eluded him. If nightmares were his constant companion in the past, now sleeplessness was. Not knowing the identity of the man who caused all this just made it worse.

Bones had reassured Jim that in spite of internal hemorrhage Ivanov was going to fully recover. So, Jim was left to stew on the whole issue by himself as life seemed to carry on for others.

Jim had started avoiding people. Unless he absolutely had to, he stopped talking to anyone. He was paranoid about who might be the next innocent victim. He concentrated all his energy on his studies and drowned himself in them.

His time on the bridge each evening was where he felt some peace as it was now. He spent sometimes hours there now, standing alone in the darkness, late into the night, in the comfort of his constant companions - the stars. The weather had turned cooler and it got chilly at nights. The cold made Jim feel alive. The dark waves lapping beneath him at the massive pillars on which the bridge stood were a soothing lullaby. He looked up.

Somewhere up there in dark sky Starships were being repaired, others getting ready to launch on missions. The historic win at the battle of Axanar had energized the federation and infused new vigor into StarFleet's vision of exploration and forging new inter-planetary friendships. Jim yearned to be on one of those missions. To leave behind all this mess of petty hatred and bigotry. Space - that final frontier - where he could forget everything. The vastness and sheer magnitude of the universe humbled him when his own problems threatened to overwhelm him.

Bones had backed off after it became clear Jim wouldn't talk about the incident. But he knew his doctor friend was worried about him. He couldn't blame McCoy but try as he might Jim just couldn't fake his depression in front of Bones. Jim had tried at first to distance himself from Bones but with the tenacity of a pit bull McCoy refused to let Jim be.

Then there was Spock. Jim didn't know what to do with Spock. The Vulcan never intruded but like McCoy he too absolutely refused to give up coming for breakfasts. So Jim was stuck with his two friends whom he saw every morning and worried about them becoming the targets of the madman. Reluctantly he admitted to himself that his sanity had been saved by their firm insistence on continuing to be part of his life. He must have done something right to earn the unshakable loyalties of such men. Or rather one such man and one such alien.

Not everyone felt the same about Jim though. He had attracted the wrath of an upper classman who had taken upon himself to be a pain in the ass. The Irishman seemed to take a particular delight in hazing Kirk. Kirk usually took such actions in stride but lately with everything going on in his life, he had started detesting the Irishman with a passion.

When Jim enlisted he was prepared to lose his life in service. Every Cadet was made aware of that. He doubted though if some of them realized the courage required. Jim had stared at death in face as a boy and that had molded his character. He neither feared it nor desired it. However, what he had not considered was the death or sacrifice of others for him. Ivanov's loss may not have been during a mission but if Jim was going to follow his dream of Captaincy then this was a possibility he had to face. There would be scenarios where others would be used as leverage to break him. How would he cope and be the man he wanted to be if he couldn't handle what had happened to Alexai?

A cold breeze blew making him shudder. It was time to go back. It was past mid night and he had to at least attempt to catch few hours of sleep. He turned away from his favorite spot and made his way back slowly, taking the time to breathe in the cool fresh air. His heart was heavy but he was digging deep, trying to find courage to accept all that had happened and stamina to go on. Some days like today Jim felt like he was a hundred years old. A life time of battles and scars and heart breaks had somehow all managed to fit in his very short life.

A snippet of an old earth poem by Henry Longfellow came to his mind as his feet carried the weight of a young man, who had seen more of life than anyone knew.

 _The heights by great men reached and kept_

 _Were not attained by sudden flight,_

 _But they, while their companions slept,_

 _Were toiling upward in the night._

 _Standing on what too long we bore_

 _With shoulders bent and downcast eyes,_

 _We may discern - unseen before -_

 _A path to higher destinies,_

 _Nor deem the irrevocable Past_

 _As wholly wasted, wholly vain,_

 _If, rising on its wrecks, at last_

 _To something nobler we attain._

* * *

 _Notes:_

The reference to battle of Axanar can be found in the TOS episode: "Whom Gods destroy". Here is an excerpt from Memory Beta:  
"The Battle of Axanar was an armed conflict fought by the Federation at Axanar in 2251. Garth of Izar led the Starfleet forces in this battle, and his tactics there became required reading at Starfleet Academy. (TOS episode: "Whom Gods Destroy")"


	8. Chapter 8

**Sunday**

It was Sunday. Spock had found the terran concept of Sundays most refreshing once he had adjusted to the idea of an "off" day. He had long developed the habit of spending the entire day meditating at his favorite spot. On Vulcan, meditation was part of life and every student was expected to spend the pre-requisite hours meditating in addition to scientific studies daily. At first, Spock had found his schedule on Earth most unfavorable for this.

Though he slept much less than the average human and spent those hours meditating, he still needed more hours, especially considering the environment he lived in. So he relished Sundays where he could spend the entire day in deep meditation undisturbed.

Spock had started partaking in morning meals with his human companions every day except Sundays since that first day he had appeared in cafeteria. He timed his arrivals such that Dr. McCoy was always leaving and Spock got to spend a few minutes alone with his object of concern. Those few minutes had come to mean more than the sunrise to Spock. He was not at peace until he could ascertain for himself that the young man with the smile that could cure darkness was well and alive and functioning. That smile had been missing conspicuously since the incident.

Dr. McCoy was a passionate human. Spock would not, on his own, approach such a volatile human being. However, beneath the explosive displays of emotion, the doctor cared deeply about Cadet Kirk. This was sufficient reason for Spock. The doctor had sought him out on one of the rare mornings Cadet Kirk missed breakfast complaining of a headache. They discussed their concerns over the health of their mutual breakfast companion and agreed to keep each other abreast of any developments. By an unspoken pact each made sure to meet Cadet Kirk at least once every day and let the other know. On days the Doctor had an early morning surgery, Spock would do his duty and send a comm message with his customary words " Dr. McCoy, Breakfast was without incident. Cadet Kirk remains as he was." The doctor always had follow up questions like "What did he eat?" or " Did he finish his breakfast?" or " Did he crack any jokes?". Spock indulged the doctor because though in other circumstances such questions would simply be frivolous the current situation made Spock deeply anxious about every minor human behavior the Cadet displayed. Spock was still learning about Cadet Kirk and he was far from being an expert yet. So, in interest of thoroughness, he entertained and considered everything Dr. McCoy said as contributions to his knowledge base. Spock reminded himself the Doctor was also a trained psychologist.

On Sundays like today the Doctor would return the favor and let Spock know that Kirk was well.

Spock packed his robe, mat and a bottle of water and set out for his meditation retreat in the dark hours of the early morning. By the time dawn broke over the city of San Francisco, Spock had already reached the top of the hill, and changed into his robe. He was waiting for the message from Dr. McCoy without which he could not proceed to meditate when his comm chirped. A new message from the Doctor said: "Mr. Spock, I will be gone all day today due to family business. I will not see Jim for breakfast. Take care of him, will ya?" Spock checked his internal clock as well as the external one. It was too late for him to go back and catch the Cadet at cafeteria. He would visit the Cadet later today evening he decided. He replied "Noted, Doctor" and switched off his comm.

Spock spread his mat on his usual rock which jutted out of the cliff facing the vast open water front and sat down with crossed legs and hands lightly clasped on his lap. As he concentrated on his breath his mind slowly quieted.

Concerns about Kirk's past few days' behavior whirled around in his mind as he slipped deeper into his mind. He examined the new thoughts and emotions and one by one his mind went over them, classified, sorted, and processed. He acknowledged his own highly emotional reaction to this particular human and that too was classified, labeled, and processed.

He had found out using his instructor privileges about the attack on the human named Alexai Ivanov and his subsequent departure. The report was however classified and Spock could not find out any details. The few times Spock had brought up the topic during their breakfast, the human's bright eyes had clouded and misery had twisted his expression. So Spock had stopped. But Spock was at a loss. He was deeply uncomfortable that the attack had taken place in such close proximity to the Cadet's quarters and that he had no idea if this was a one-time act or if the human was in any danger. He realized that he had no claim over the youngster and his access to the person of James T. Kirk rested entirely on the charity of the said human.

There was no denial, no dishonesty inside his mind. Everything was taken as it was. Vulcans didn't run away from emotions as many believed. They simply processed them differently and understood the fleeting and volatile nature of them. Emotions did not rule Vulcans because that caused needless stress, discomfort and ultimately unproductivity in life. He embraced Surak's teachings but his time on Earth was teaching him what emotions really meant.

He had always felt strong emotions towards his Mother. And equally strong unpleasant emotions for his Father. Sarek was something of an enigma to Spock. He had married a human female yet he showed no inclination towards understanding the human half of his own child. And now he had disavowed Spock. They had not spoken for years. It was not that Spock "missed" anything, not in the way humans missed their parents or home. However, he did find himself thinking of them from time to time. Specially Amanda. Amanda with all her gentle unconditional affection for a son and a husband who could not express that very same sentiment back to her.

Clarity, wisdom and peace descended upon him as the sun rose and sunlight reflected back from his soft thick black hair.

* * *

 _Notes:_

I would love to hear your thoughts if anyone is actually reading this :)


	9. Chapter 9

**Hike**

Jim awoke and remembered it was Sunday. His first Sunday had been spent exploring the city with few of his classmates. But since then he took to spending Sundays by himself. It was a rare break from the grueling schedule the Academy had set up for them. It had been weeks since the attack. Things were back to normal except in his head. Life carried on all for everyone.

There were quite a few cadets who had left for various reasons since their cohort had started training. So no one except perhaps Ivanov's closest friends doubted anything. At his parents' request, the details and news of the attack was not publicly disclosed and the information was considered classified now.

He commed Bones about breakfast and his plans.  
" Bones, What are you up to?"  
" Hey kid, I have some personal affairs to settle today. Am afraid I will miss breakfast and be gone most of the day."  
" Sounds fun! See you later."

Spock never joined them for breakfast on Sundays. So he was on his own. Which really wasn't bad at all. An idea struck him and a small and rare smile spread on his face.

He packed water bottles, a bug bite kit, an old style paper map of the trails around the Academy grounds and set off to the cafe hall. There he ate a relatively healthy breakfast Bones would have approved and then he packed couple of cold sandwiches, some bananas and some chocolate energy bars from the food synthesizers. He was all set for his adventure and was actually surprised to find himself excited. He had been dying of curiosity the last many months about the hill where he took his morning runs. Today was the perfect day to scale it and see for himself what lied at the top. He checked he had his communicator securely strapped to his waist and left the cafe to start jogging.

It was a crisp cool morning. No clouds in the sky - a rare phenomenon - a promising sign. Soon he reached the point where he turned around every morning but today he took the trail which led up the hill. The climb was strenuous and his ascent was slow. He enjoyed every second of the hike and stopped many times to appreciate the beauty around him. Growing up in Iowa had impressed upon him a love of mountains and hiking. But he had missed that once they left Earth. Today he felt at home in a long time. There was something in the air on this hill - tranquil and healing - which seemed to cocoon Jim in a soothing embrace.

By noon he was sweating and getting hungry. He was almost to the top. He cleared the last line of trees and then the flat hilltop was visible in front of him. As far as eyes could see blue sky met the blue water and a delicious breeze blew. Before he could drink in the sight fully, his eyes landed on something unexpected.

Just a few meters ahead where the cliff dropped off sharply, sat a serene figure with crossed legs, on some wool like mat, unmoving. Kirk stared mouth agape.  
 _Spock!_  
As if he was part of the vista. Dark eyes were gazing at him as if this was just a usual moment in a usual day.

Kirk's face flushed with embarrassment. Had he unintentionally violated a private sanctuary? He had not considered Spock would be here at this hour. He assumed the Vulcan would have finished his morning workout as usual. Had he known Spock would be doing whatever he was doing, Kirk would never have come here.

Kirk mumbled "I am sorry. I didn't realize you would be here..." and he turned around hastily and started walking.

A deep voice held him back "Apology is unnecessary. No harm was intended." Spock rose up from his mat and as he folded it he continued "I admit no human or non-human has ever come here in the days I have been on Earth. However, I am pleased that you have shown interest."

Kirk's back was to Spock but he paused. He was still hesitant. It was clear to him that Spock had come here to be by himself. In fact, he apparently came here every morning and on Sundays he missed their breakfasts probably to spend time here instead. This place obviously held a special significance for Spock and Jim really didn't want to upset the balance in their delicate friendship by crossing some unspoken boundary. He had no idea about Vulcan etiquette in this situation.

With his back still to Spock he replied "I was actually going back anyways Spock. I will see you later." and with that he restarted tracing his steps away from the tall figure.

"Please...Stay" came back the reply each word spoken with such conviction and depth that Jim felt a shiver run down his spine. Jim's eyebrows shot up at those words, _his_ words spoken in moments of need many days ago, were being returned to him. He slowly turned around and faced Spock. They looked at each other and several moments passed.

"Thanks. I was going to eat some lunch. Ummm...you can join if you want to?..." Jim replied finally.  
"Though I do not require sustenance I would not be averse to sharing your mealtime. If you give me a minute, I will change into terran clothing" he said.  
It was then that Kirk noticed that Spock was wearing a robe and nothing else. In true Spock fashion, the robe was thick and covered every part of the slim figure from his shoulders to toes, more like a huge blanket than a garment.  
But Spock's feet were bare. Long bony pale toes splayed on the mat- a pair of feet which looked... _beautiful_.

Kirk's eyes went to a small neat pile of clothes stacked next to the mat. He suddenly swallowed and turned around one more time to give the Vulcan privacy.

A small clearing of throat pulled Kirk back from his day dreams. Kirk could not help but stare again. He had never seen Spock outside uniform or running gear except the first day, and he had forgotten what that tall lean body looked in a pair of jeans and a simple white pullover thick sweater. Kirk's heart did a little flip. Spock's dark hair blew slightly in the breeze and his lips had a slight curve to them.

Jim had never ever seen a male this captivating. In spite of Spock's tall figure and his obvious physical strength, the guy stood almost shyly with a slight bend to his head, shoulders slightly hunched, hands clasped behind his back, eyes trained on Jim looking through lashes.  
Jim felt fierce protectiveness sweep through him. He blew a long silent breath.

"Where should we eat?" he asked as his stomach made a loud growl.  
"Would that tree be amenable?" Spock pointed to a tree not far away where they were.

Kirk nodded, they walked together and Jim sat down and brought out his lunch bag.  
When it was apparent Spock had nothing with him, Jim couldn't resist asking "You don't eat lunch?"  
"As I stated earlier, Vulcans do not require as much sustenance as humans. I seldom find the need for a mid-day meal." No wonder Jim never saw him in cafe at lunch.

"Well, I will find it ...ummm...I mean I brought extra." he pointed to his assortment of fruits, bars and sandwiches.  
Spock seemed to understand Jim's discomfort and he extended a long arm and picked up a banana and started slowly peeling it with precision.

Jim tore his eyes away from the long fingers and forced himself to face the wonderful view stretching in front of him. They ate in silence. It wasn't uncomfortable actually. Spock was the calmest person Jim had come across. He ate his sandwiches, finished a banana and drank a whole bottle of water.

And then he burped. Jim froze. He wasn't the type to feel shy on burping! Hell, he had done worse in front of his friends. But with Spock, who was so prim and proper and even ate a banana like a prince, Kirk felt downright disgusting. He was like a pig in front of a royal horse he thought morosely.

When he looked up to see Spock's reaction, he found warm pools of amber looking at him and a small bent on the thin lips. So Spock was amused! Oh well, he was going for admiration but he would settle at amusement, at least Spock wasn't revolted by his human bodily functions. He wondered if Vulcans burped.

They spent the remainder of the day hiking back together. The trees were changing colors. Fall was here and golden leaves crunched under their foot as they walked. They saw small creatures dart past them. Once they stopped to admire an Eastern Fox Squirrel - the full name whispered by Spock of course - as the little mammal busied itself gorging on its loot. Another time Spock touched Jim's shoulder lightly to bring his attention towards a thick cluster of trees. An Elk was behind the leaves quietly munching away. Spock leaned over and whispered "Tule Elk - Cervus elaphus" and Jim couldn't help but smile at Spock's encyclopedic knowledge. A gorgeous white and orange butterfly fluttered above them as they watched the Elk and Spock stretched out a long arm with his palm open. To Kirk's astonishment the butterfly landed on Spock's outstretched palm. Jim looked up to see Spock, who could be as still as a statue and Spock turned towards Jim with eyes alight with amusement. The sight of the delicate butterfly perched on his palm and Spock studying it tenderly tugged at Kirk's heart strings. Finally Spock leaned over and blew slightly and the butterfly continued on its journey. Jim looked at Spock questioningly to which Spock dutifully replied "Sara Orangetip, Anthocharius sara." and Jim replied "Ahh I see." with a smile that threatened to take over his face.

It was beautifully quiet in this world - away from the thousand voices and babbling sea of chaos of the Academy - just the birds and the scurry of little animals. And Spock's silent breathing besides him. Jim's own breathing was not as silent. The hike was not easy and his human lungs made their presence known but he was not complaining. The exertion had helped clear his head. Watching Spock like this in such unguarded fashion was like a balm to his aching soul. The Vulcan probably could have zipped through the rough terrain but Kirk was human, even though in prime physique, and Spock seemed content to match his speed to that of Kirk.

Kirk was silent as he made his way down. Thoughts of the attack and about his future career and memories from Iowa ran through his head like meandering streams. And on top of those thoughts, musings about his Vulcan hiking partner flowed and filled every nook and cranny of Jim's mind. He had planned to spend the day alone. With Spock he actually found company which was better than solitude. Spock could have easily used this opportunity to probe him but he did no such thing. Jim silently acknowledged this. There was an unspoken respect and deep understanding developing between them, the likes of which Jim had never known. Spock's calm and logical nature proved to be the best antidote to Jim's stress. He also felt refreshingly free from putting on a facade of cheerfulness as he would have done in any human's company. There was no small talk but there was absolutely no awkwardness either. It was like they had known each other for eons.

Kirk came to admire this new aspect of his Vulcan friend as he watched Spock interact with nature. There was an air of gentleness in the alien being next to him even though one could easily miss that if one concentrated on the lack of external cues. Spock didn't smile openly, neither did he exhibit much of any emotion and had an air of aloofness about him all the time. But as Kirk had discovered the first day, and over the last several days over breakfast, he had his own brand of humor, and now Kirk understood Spock also possessed a rare breed of kindness which extended towards the littlest of life forms.

They reached the flat ground at the base of the hill and the Academy buildings came into view as the sun started dipping behind them. Kirk realized just how privileged he was to have been gifted the silent but compassionate company of his Vulcan. He could not recall ever spending a whole day with another being and not having to speak more than a handful of words and yet feel like millions of words had been exchanged.

They stood where they would part ways and Kirk's face mirrored his inner gratefulness. He said in an emotion laden voice "Thank you."  
And Spock simply nodded his head a tiny bit and replied "I would not be averse to repeating the experience."

Jim knew he shouldn't spend more time with Spock. He must not jeopardize his friend's safety. But he could not refuse the offer outright. He told himself he will do so later. At this moment though, the strength to turn away eluded him. He felt overcome with emotion and unable to reply.

Spock spoke again. "I would also not be averse to join you on your run back every morning. I am grateful to you for respecting my privacy but I have been aware for some time now that the timings of our morning exercises coincide."

Jim's eyes widened. _Spock knew about his morning ..umm observations?_  
What could Jim say? There was no reason he could share to refuse, and every reason to agree. Spock was reaching out to him and Jim knew this was not a trivial gesture coming from a Vulcan.

So he replied truthfully "Spock, I would really like that though I will slow you down. A LOT."  
"Perhaps we can make it mutually beneficial if you consider me as your running partner and think of the morning runs as an experiment to incrementally increase your speed to match mine till you reach your human limits."

Kirk couldn't deny that sounded like a fantastic idea. He could use someone who was fitter than him to help him become faster, stronger, better.  
"Deal! You are on!" he replied enthusiastically.  
Evidently satisfied Spock replied "I wish you a restful evening Cadet Kirk".  
"Good night Spock" and they separated.

Kirk watched Spock walk away before he turned around and made his way to the cafe hall and grabbed a quick dinner. Walking back to his own quarters he was on high alert as he had developed a habit of since the attack but as usual nothing untoward happened. Only when he was changing into his night pants did he wonder what did Spock mean by mutually beneficial? As far as Jim could see all the benefit was to him. A slow human was hardly any benefit to Spock.

Perhaps tired from his long hike and mental stress, or perhaps because of Spock's calming influence, he slept soundly that night after many, many sleepless nights.


	10. Chapter 10

**Recovery**

Leonard was worried about Jim. The kid had been avoiding all his questions and he was damn sure something was wrong. But between his troubles with his wife, his experiments, keeping up with the training StarFleet had put him under, and his shifts at the hospital he just didn't have enough time to find out more.

Today was a lab day. He had been working on developing a surgical procedure for the humanoid brain. His idea was to graft neural tissue to the cerebral cortex, followed by the creation of an axonal pathway between the tissue graft and the basal ganglia but he was having trouble with the graft. He sighed and decided to take a break.

The beautiful young cadet who was his assistant had been working since late last night. She looked exhausted as well.

" Ruth, this one is a fail. We will start over. Why don't you take a break?" McCoy said gently.

" Sir, give me another hour. I really want to try one last thing. " replied the diligent girl.

McCoy sighed again. He could hardly fault her for persistence. That was the hallmark of a good scientist.

He had an idea. Today was a good day to try getting Jim to come over and have lunch with him at the medical building's cafeteria. McCoy's day was free for next many hours due to the experiment now considered failure.

He flipped open his comm and typed _" Jim, where are you?"_

 _" Finishing up Archaeology, why?"_

 _" How about lunch with me today at the med building?"_

 _" I don't know Bones, I have to get to Quantum Chemistry in an hour."_

 _" I won't ask any of my questions. Besides, I have been waiting to show you my lab. C'mon kid!"_

 _" Promise? :D "_

 _" What did I just say? Don't make me turn into a teenage girl with promises and hearts!"_

 _" Awwe Bones, you are so cute!"_

 _" Are you coming or not?!"_

 _" Yup! See you in five!"_

Well, at least the day had one redeeming factor. He would finally get to have a decent meal with the kid and though he said he wouldn't ask any questions he sure as hell didn't need verbal output to find out how Jim was holding up. Breakfasts were such a rush affair, he hardly ever had time before he had to leave. And then that green-blooded hobgoblin would turn up every morning and McCoy was suspicious about that ghost of a smile that would flit across Jim's face then. The kid never smiled much anymore. Not like that for Leonard for sure. Or for anyone really.

The glass doors swung open and James T. Kirk in all his glorious charisma came in like a breath of fresh air.

He walked over to McCoy and with a genuine grin on his face asked " You really love your lab, don't you?! I can't think of anything else which makes you all googly eyed."

McCoy fixed him with an appropriate stare and drawled " Well yeah, doctors don't go around being googly eyed over pointy ears, instead they actually work!"

" Pointy ears?!" Jim was truly surprised.

" Never mind that. Do you want to see what I have been up to all these months?"

" Shoot!"

McCoy noticed a change in his young friend immediately. Kirk seemed almost like his old self after a long while. McCoy warmed up to show his lab. Despite his pretense, he did enjoy working on his experiments and having his own lab at StarFleet had been a major draw for him.

He walked Kirk through all his setup, showed him what they were trying accomplish. Kirk forgot to be flippant and was absorbed in what McCoy was showing him. The kid was interested in almost any and all subjects. And his unrelenting curiosity would take him far, McCoy could see that. As Kirk asked him questions, McCoy felt the tables turn subtly. For a moment Leonard forgot he was the older one and saw Jim in a new light. Jim's questions and observations were not that of an casual one-time visitor to his lab.

They finished rounding up the lab and came to the last table where Ruth was still knee deep in saving her failing experiment.

" Jim, this is my assistant Ruth. She is a first year like you. Ruth, this is the infamous Cadet Kirk."

Ruth finally extracted herself from the microscope and looked up at Jim.

" I have heard a lot about you Cadet Kirk. It's a pleasure to finally meet you" she smiled sweetly.

" If I had known Bones was hiding _you_ in his lab, I would never have postponed this trip for so long!"

McCoy snorted. Jim was already swooning. Well he couldn't blame the boy exactly. Ruth was a beauty. But more than that this was the Jim he knew. He flirted harmlessly but the last several weeks he had hardly looked at anyone let alone flirt.

At Jim's open flirting, Ruth blushed and ducked her head and hid back in the safety of her microscope.

McCoy physically dragged Jim out of the lab before he could babble on anymore.

" Didn't you have Quantum chemistry to catch?" he asked sarcastically but with a fond twinkle in his eyes.

" Oh Shit! Yes! " and Jim was back to reality from his daydreaming and quickened his steps.

They had a simple lunch and McCoy asked him about his studies, his weekends, and every possible topic but the incident. Jim seemed to be doing much better. He had apparently hiked with the Vulcan! Of all the people, dear Lord!

" How did you find the green-blooded hobgoblin Jim? I mean one day I am sitting there finishing my breakfast and he just turns up all cool and stiff and you just ..."

Kirk was laughing and cut him off " He was actually the first person I met here. He is a nice guy Bones, if you get to know him."

" Yeah and that's the problem - he is not a _guy_ \- he is a Vulcan! You don't get to "know" them Jim!"

" Well he is as good as any guy to me. You have to put up with him if you want to put up with me." declared Jim with an easy smile but his words were earnest with a deeper emotion running through.

" That doesn't leave me much choice, does it now?" McCoy rolled his eyes and Jim chuckled. Leonard observed quietly to himself that this Spock made Jim smile the kind of smile which he wanted to see on Jim. Well, whatever the hobgoblin was doing, it was apparently good for the mental health of his genius but crazy young friend.

On his way out Jim popped his head into the lab. Before McCoy could do anything he yelled cheerfully " It was _really_ nice meeting you Ruth, see you again!" and then ran away before McCoy got his hands on him.


	11. Chapter 11

**Collaboration**

Spock changed from his Cadet uniform to a thick turtle neck sweater and dark blue jeans. The season called fall was upon them. Temperatures had started to dip during daytime to what would be considered frigid on Vulcan. Today was the first study session with Cadet Kirk. He noticed he spend an extra 12 seconds at the mirror perfecting his bangs. He also noticed that he faced a moment of uncharacteristic indecision when it came time for a jacket. He owned just four and till today he had a perfect algorithm to decide which to wear on what day.

The algorithm needed to be modified and an extra clause for Cadet Kirk was added. He chose the faux black leather and exited his room.

San Francisco was its usual foggy and the evening sun bloomed like a brilliant flower over the horizon. Spock walked briskly and pondered whether he will find the study session intellectually stimulating. In his dealings with humans so far, he frequently found his intellect far exceeded that of his classmates. Spock neither took pride in this fact nor was he disappointed. Vulcans were superior to humans in this aspect and he accepted the simple reality. He went about his life with detachment to such emotions.

Right now however he was not as detached as he would have preferred. He could already sense he was finding the simple idea of this study session stimulating in and of itself. _Fascinating!_

As he rounded the corner at the end of campus and turned to walk towards the Science building, he caught sight of a human figure walking further ahead. Spock would know that figure from anywhere in any angle. The man was wearing a white full sleeve shirt, black trousers and he carried a steel grey blazer on his shoulder. Cadet Kirk was universally acknowledged to be "handsome" and some even called him "pretty". Spock had to concur the humans had made the right conclusion.

If Spock stared at the back of the man all the way to his destination, noting details like his stride length and the rhythm of his steps, he considered it simply as part of building the private knowledge base in his brain on the Cadet.

At the entrance to the building Kirk swiped his badge and yanked the doors opened and then turned back to see if he needed to hold it for anyone following and that's when he caught sight of Spock walking towards him. His face lit up with a grin and he stood there with the door ajar as he waited for Spock to catch up. His grin grew wider when he realized what Spock was wearing. The graceful, strong, tall body came up to Kirk and halted.

"Hi Spock!" he said with a huge grin he couldn't wipe off his face.

"Cadet Kirk" Spock nodded with a straight face but his eyes were smiling.

"Ready?" Kirk asked enthusiastically.

Spock inclined his head and followed him into the building.

Kirk was excited to be working with Spock on their joint project. As they walked in perfect sync down the long hallway, he explained his idea to Spock. Spock seemed to approve and this made Kirk beam with pride. Not that he needed anyone's validation but this was Spock. The brilliant, unattainable, sexy as hell, innocent and beautiful Vulcan scientist.

Then Spock started talking and as he listened to that deep voice which had hit him the first time Spock had spoken to him, he realized that Spock was equally excited. He just didn't jump up and down like a 5 year old as Kirk did. Spock launched into a monologue and his eyes had taken on a glow as they did when Spock seemed excited about a favorite experiment. Kirk found those eyes beyond riveting. He could drown in them...he probably was.

Two days back Kirk had submitted his assignment on "Ideas on Intergalactic peace in a Post-Axanar Universe" and had been summoned to Captain Pike's first officer's office. Kirk liked the officer instantly. She commanded respect with her no nonsense attitude and though some may find her cold Kirk had always seen past such exteriors. He had been surprised to find he was not the only one in the room. Spock was standing on one side, his head slightly tilted as Kirk made his entrance. Kirk's heartbeat had immediately gone up. _Calm down Jim! You see him every morning!_

Number One as she referred to herself said "Cadet Spock, Cadet Kirk. I have asked to see you both because of your respective papers on intergalactic peace. Kirk, I will admit I did not expect such high quality work from a first year cadet but I will be keeping an eye on your henceforth. Spock, you submitted this paper a year ago as part of your first year course and it wasn't until I read Kirk's paper that I noticed the possibility. You see, both of you have remarkably similar ideas. I and Captain Pike happen to agree with most. We are to put it mildly most impressed. Spock, your paper lacked certain aspects of diplomacy which is understandable given your Vulcan background. Kirk, yours in turn could use some logical approach in places. In short, gentlemen, your papers are perfectly complimentary. So, I am assigning you both on a special project. I would like you to work collaboratively and come up with an executable form of your ideas. This is of highest priority. I will free up some of your time from your usual load. Any questions?"

They had both nodded and Kirk had said "It would be an honor, sir".

"Good! Dismissed Cadets".

And so here they were now. Spock in dark blue jeans and in _that_ jacket. Did Spock remember his comment on their first day? _Probably not Jim, Vulcans did not operate on human frequency after all._

They reached the study room they had reserved and settled in. Spock had come prepared with slides. Of course!

Kirk thankfully had his notes ready as well. This was the first time they were working as a team of equals and in an environment outside of a classroom. It was one thing to hike with Spock but a different ball game to engage the brilliant mind. Any doubts he had about their compatibility disappeared in first five minutes when he realized Spock for all his intelligence was a remarkably humble being. He spoke factually and logically and again some may find it cold, but Kirk was impressed at the lack of any ego. There was no sense of competition and Kirk had to admit this would have been a factor had he been working with another young human Cadet. Spock was an interesting mix of tremendous wisdom, calm logic, enormous knowledge in multiple disciplines yet he was in many ways painfully honest, unassuming, innocent and sincere.

Jim felt a familiar sense of protectiveness for the Vulcan. He was suddenly struck by the idea of Spock serving with other humans after graduation and found just the thought of it unacceptable. _They wouldn't understand him. Not the way Jim did._ Also the thought of separating from Spock, to never see him again physically pained him and this took Kirk by surprise. He didn't realize he had become so deeply attached to his friend. 

They had been working for hours now Kirk had lost track of time but his back started protesting. Just then there was a knock on the door.

A young Andorian female was peeking through the glass door. Kirk waved her in.

Her antennae bobbed as she spoke quickly to Kirk while glancing nervously at Spock.

"Hey Kirk! Am I interrupting?"

"No, come on in, we were going to take a break anyways...what's up?" Kirk got up and tried to straighten out the kink in his back.

The Andorian came up to them and said with a sheepish expression "I was hoping you could help me out with this assignment. I am almost done, but I am stuck right here" and with that she flipped open her PADD. Kirk took a look and then turned to Spock with an apology "Sorry Spock. This will only take a few minutes."

Spock's eyebrow shot up and he replied "I do not understand. You must take as many minutes as it requires." and leaned back into his chair to watch.

Jim pulled an empty chair close and she sat down. He was soon explaining where she made the wrong assumption which led to the dead end she was at right now. She defended her assumption and though she spoke fluent Standard English Jim sensed the subtle disadvantage she had trying to converse in his native tongue. So Kirk decided he needed to draw it out for her. He always felt comfortable writing things on paper the old fashion way when it required him to think actively. Pulling a sheet of paper from his stack on the table he looked for his pen among the mountain of mess but couldn't spot it. So he reached over and plucked the pen out of Spock's front pocket.

The female pulled in closer to Kirk, her knees and shoulders touching him, in an attempt to see what he was drawing. It took several minuted as Kirk tried to get his point across in different ways sensing how their brains worked differently than humans. Finally however understanding dawned on her face and Jim glowed with satisfaction. She was equally excited. Antennae bobbing wildly she closed her PADD and then said "Uhh...I wanted to confirm our time tomorrow?"

"Yep, you are on! See you at 1600 then" Kirk replied with a smile and winked. With a final nervous glance at Spock she left hurriedly.

Kirk swiveled on his chair with the smile still on his face to see if Spock approved of his explanation and froze. The Vulcan had gone white and very still. He was looking down at his hands which were clasped in a knuckle crushing hold. Kirk's brain went in overdrive. _What was wrong?_

Only then did Kirk realize what he had done. He had invaded the most valued personal space of a Vulcan. Kirk looked at the pen he was holding and suddenly felt very worried. Had he committed a major blunder - was Spock mad?

After meeting Spock in early days, Kirk had taken upon himself to learn all he could about Vulcan life though there was not much available. He did however know that they detested unnecessary physical contact. Kirk had been very careful about that for the past months with Spock. Technically, he hadn't actually touched Spock's body but he did come very close to that! On top of that, he had not even asked Spock's permission _. What had possessed you Jim?_ He silently cursed himself.

He decided honesty was the best policy. It _was_ an honest mistake.

" Mr. Spock, I am sorry. I wasn't thinking. I should not have taken your pen, not from yourself, not without asking".

Spock twitched a little and then spoke in a calm voice, hands still in death grip "Apology is unnecessary. I am unaccustomed to such close proximity however it is not an inconvenience. May I make a personal query?"

Kirk cocked his head at the familiar question "Go ahead".

Spock carefully unbent one long finger after another till he had both his palms spread out on his lean long thighs.

"How are you acquainted with Cadet Valas?" he asked with eyes locked onto Kirk.

Kirk swallowed under the scrutiny. _Huh?He wants to talk about Valas?_

"Umm...she is in my Basic Hand to Hand Combat class".

"May I enquire the nature of your rendezvous with her?"

Kirk was surprised.

"Nature of?...Oh I see." Kirk bit his lower lip thoughtfully trying to figure out Spock's train of thoughts. "Spock, would you like to accompany me? It may be easier to explain if you watch".

Spock stiffened at this. After some deliberation he reluctantly agreed.

"Am I forgiven for the pen then? It won't happen again." Kirk finally asked handing the pen back to Spock carefully.

Spock made no move to take it back. Instead, he said solemnly "I would be gratified if you keep it, and you were never in danger of any punishment." He paused and then added softly "I am aware of your...most humans' need for close proximity...it is my wish to acclimatize."

Kirk's eyes opened wide. He still wasn't sure what had caused Spock to freeze.

Before he could land himself in any further trouble he picked up his notes and PADD and said "Good night then Spock. I will see you at 1600 hours tomorrow at the Fountains."

With that he left Spock and as soon as he was out of his line of sight, he held the unremarkable pen in both his outstretched hands and looked at it with such fondness that one would think it was the most extraordinary pen ever. Then he brought the pen to his lips, closed his eyes and kissed it lightly. He knew he was getting himself deeper and deeper into trouble but unable to contain the euphoria bursting inside him he jumped into air in a triumphant leap and broke into a run with the silliest grin on his face.


	12. Chapter 12

**Spock's concern**

It was 1540 San Francisco time and Spock was moving swiftly through the Academy's sprawling grounds. The day was over for most trainees and hordes of them gathered on the grounds socializing and exchanging stories as humans preferred to do. He had agreed to a dubious proposition yesterday when Cadet Kirk had invited him. Spock would never admit to being nervous. He recognized it as futile. However, he would not be entirely honest with himself if he did not acknowledge that there was certain anxiety associated with such an unplanned social encounter.

He was nearing designated meeting place by 1550 and Spock knew he was early. Punctuality was important to him and having extra time factored into one's schedule prevented unforeseen events to disturb it. He was mildly surprised to see Cadet Kirk approaching from the opposite end of the grounds. They met at the Fountains and locked eyes.

" How was your day Spock?" Cadet Kirk asked with his customary smile and enthusiasm.

" Adequate." he inclined his head and drew satisfaction at seeing the Cadet chuckle at his response.

" Well mine sucked! I am so looking forward to ..." and here Cadet Kirk paused and a grin spread on his face.

" Where do you think we are going Spock?"

" I do not have sufficient data to pose a hypothesis."

" I know, I know. I deliberately didn't provide you that data. But take a guess?" Kirk was leaning slightly towards him, eyes alight, face animated.

" Vulcans do not "guess" however, if I were to indulge in such a unscientific endeavor, I would propose it involved Cadet Valas and yourself in some social custom."

" Like a date?" asked the human with amusement.

" It is possible." Spock was not happy with his "guess", clearly the Cadet was enjoying his discomfort.

" And you wanted to be the third wheel?"

Spock frowned internally. He had learnt thousands of human idioms, in multiple Earth languages during his first immersion year. However, now and then, he was still presented with one which made no logical sense.

" I fail to see the relevance of an automobile, further I fail to see the significance of the position of the part in question."

Kirk was now laughing and before Spock was forced to acknowledge to himself how much of that laugh meant to him, Cadet Valas arrived. She was dressed in a loose fitting two piece garment.

" Valas, I invited Spock today. " said Kirk as he started walking. It was not a question, simply an explanation.

Cadet Valas exhibited all symptoms of discomfort so Spock positioned himself on right of Kirk to give the Andorian some space.

Walking between them Kirk said "All right, let's go then!"

He led them to the area at the back of buildings which dotted the grounds in a loosely semicircular fashion. There was open ground here, divided in sections, several of which served as recreational playgrounds. Some Cadets could be seen engaging in various sports as they walked towards the area. They approached a group of cadets who had clustered besides one such sand filled field. Spock noticed they all wore loose garments in the fashion of Cadet Valas's clothing.

Once they reached the group, Cadet Kirk greeted them loudly "Hey guys! Please start warming up, I will change in a second and join you."

The group dispersed into the field and started running laps. Kirk put his bag which he had been carrying on the ground and pulled out a shirt similar to the style of others. He swiftly took off this uniform upper tunic and put the shirt on. With a grin to Spock, he turned around and marched into the field and joined the others in warm up.

So this was not a "date". Spock realized he was relieved. His anxiety had disappeared though he was still unclear why Cadet Kirk had winked at the Andorian female yesterday – in turn invoking an unfamiliar reaction in him.

After several minutes, Kirk called out. "All right team, today we will practice the move Knife Hand. I need a volunteer! "

Two young men raised hands and Kirk chose one. They sparred and Kirk demonstrated several moves, pausing each time and pointing out the various technicalities. Once he was done, he broke them up in pairs and went around each pair suggesting corrections and encouraging those who were struggling.

Spock's eyebrows rose up. This was unexpected and admirable. The young cadet was a natural leader and he had taken upon himself to teach his fellow trainees advanced moves. He was himself a highly accomplished fighter Spock observed.

The cadet stood to one side as he watched his peers. Spock took off his uniform tunic and stepped into the field dressed in his black thermal undershirt.

"It seems you need a partner" he offered.

The human was taken aback for a moment before recovering.

"Why Spock, I didn't know you were interested in hand to hand combat."

"Vulcans are nonviolent but we _are_ trained extensively in several techniques of martial art."

The bright eyes lit up and Kirk stepped in front of Spock.

Spock tackled the Cadet carefully, aware of his superior strength, and keeping his hands away from the human's bare skin. What the Cadet lacked in strength he made up in agility and untraditional moves. Spock was confounded by the unorthodox style of combat but he was never under any threat of a serious defeat. As they went at each other and jumped back again and again in a graceful but aggressive dance, Spock noticed through peripheral vision that the others had stopped and started watching them. After several minutes Spock managed to subdue Kirk and pin him on the soft sand under their feet. He wanted to invoke the traditional Vulcan surrender procedure but it would not be appropriate so he let go of Kirk and walked silently back to where his uniform lay neatly folded.

"That was a-m-a-z-i-n-g! " Kirk was panting and sweating but he did not appear perturbed by Spock's manhandling.

The murmur of voices rising from rest of them agreed.

" Well team, now we have someone who can hand me my ass, which means I get to learn more and _you_ get to work harder! " he spoke as he walked over to his bag and pulled out a towel and started wiping his face. Several of the others were doing the same and drinking water. The "date" seemed to have concluded.

"Good work everyone! " Kirk clapped his hands once, "see you next week, same time, same place!"

Kirk turned to Spock and looked at him with scrutinizing eyes. Spock looked back and held the gaze.

"Another one added to the list" Kirk murmured finally and when Spock raised an eyebrow to ask for explanation Kirk simply smiled, waved his hands and turned back to change his sweat soaked shirt. The human had appealing musculature Spock allowed himself as Kirk's back was exposed for a second.

"What did you think of that Spock?" Kirk asked, back in his red uniform and bag slung over his shoulders.

They started walking back, their steps in sync.

"I admit it was unexpected. May I enquire as to the purpose of this exercise?"

"There is a guy who has been harassing some first years. Nothing major but it's still a pain."

"I was not aware of this. Has he been "harassing" you as well?"

"Yeah, I have been his prime target but there have been others. All these people you saw today have been his victims. At first, I though it's just me. I can handle myself but then Valas confided in me one day and she was really upset. We found out about others once I started asking around. It's just been few times really but I want them to learn how to defend themselves." Kirk was serious and thoughtful, his eyes distant.

"This is most unpleasant news." Spock commented. He was indeed not happy to learn Cadet Kirk was being subjected to such stress.

"Oh it's nothing that bad. Really it isn't! Mostly its practical jokes."

"A most unique human concept, Cadet Kirk." Spock replied in a cool voice. He could not find humor in the situation.

"You are probably right." Kirk gave a small smile and then continued "To be honest, I think it's going beyond jokes now. It's progressively getting worse. I don't want to report him yet because that would mean disciplinary action and probably end of his career. I am hoping he would use common sense."

"May I enquire to the perpetrator's identity?"

"Would you report him Spock?"

"I may, yes. I remind you that I am also an instructor and it is my duty to make sure the environment is safe for everyone."

Kirk sighed.

"Give me a few days. I don't want to make this official. He is probably a good guy…probably even make a good officer. I am just not sure if he is being funny or is he really a jerk."

"Your generosity is admirable under the circumstances."

At that Kirk's lips twisted into a half smile, and he commented "I know I am just a lowly first year but I care about StarFleet and I care about each Cadet, even those who may be little... _misguided_."

"I will respect your decision then. However, I have to remind you of the incident involving your former roommate and I am concerned about...your safety" Spock finished.

Kirk was immediately serious. His face lost all traces of smile and he breathed deeply. Spock had suspected that Kirk was still suffering from the emotional trauma of the attack and he now saw he was right.

"That was different, Spock. That wasn't someone playing practical joke. It was..." Kirk abruptly stopped. He started to walk faster in an attempt to avoid the conversation.

" _Jim_." It was the first time Spock had used the Cadet's first name.

Jim stopped and looked up with troubled eyes. There was pain there. And surprise at his name being used. And something more.

Cadet Kirk visibly struggled for several minutes as an obvious internal monologue played out inside him.

"I am sorry Spock. I can't talk about this. I _want_ to, but I can't." he replied in a low defeated voice and Spock felt intense discomfort at the human's tone.

They looked at each other, both sensing the other's pain and Spock realized he didn't need telepathy to read Jim's emotions. This human opened up to Spock and Spock could read every subtle play on his face. His own eyes reflected back his internal state. Jim's troubles were no more separate from his own. Whatever bothered the remarkable human being, Spock was now invested as well. Maybe this is what humans called friendship. If so, he could see the allure of it.

"I will not violate your privacy. However, the matter of your safety cannot be ignored."

"I have learnt my lesson hopefully. I have changed the code on my room keypad. I am always alert about my surrounding -in my room, out of it, in classes, all day. Ivanov was a child, Spock. I am not a stranger to violence. I can defend myself as you saw."

Spock nodded. "Perhaps you will allow me to improve your skills then. You are an accomplished fighter unlike most humans your age. Being a Vulcan, I have superior strength and I can prove to be a worthy teacher by virtue of my training."

Jim finally relaxed into a smile. Spock felt a warmth spread through himself.

"Mr. Spock! I would be absolutely honored to have my ass handed to me on a regular basis!" with that the human bowed deeply in an exaggerated fashion.


	13. Chapter 13

**Persistence**

Jim woke up with his head hurting and his whole body felt heavy like a log. _What the hell?_ He couldn't think of any reason why he would feel this way. He had been absolutely fine yesterday which was Federation Day; there were various celebratory activities all day. Kirk had enjoyed the rare holiday with his fellow class mates and in the evening there had been a huge gala where Jim had danced and laughed with his friends till late night. McCoy had at first rolled his eyes at Kirk's enthusiasm but by eleven at night even he had loosened up and joined Ruth and Jim on the dance floor. The best part was StarFleet had gone all out and served _real_ food except alcohol of course - though truth be told the food synthesizers were the state of the art and did a fantastic job so Jim never really thought much of it on a daily basis - but there was something psychologically satisfying about knowing one was eating real food. So they had danced, laughed, sang and eaten their way well past midnight. He had a fantastic time with Ruth who was a vision to behold in a lovely pale dress. The one person conspicuously absent had been Spock. Jim had missed his friend. A lot.

He got up from his bed and thought of raising Bones but changed his mind - McCoy was probably sleeping in - as was almost everyone. In honor of Federation Day they had been given an extra two days off - today and tomorrow and then it was Sunday. He had overheard a few of his classmates planning to use the opportunity to go on overnight trips outside bay area. Jim had immediately started on planning his own trip – McCoy remorsefully declined citing his family commitment and failing marriage – but Jim was hoping he could persuade Spock to join him on a two night's getaway to the nearby Mendocino Coast. It was supposed to be a scenic drive along California's Pacific coastline offering beaches, historic lighthouses, old-time fishing villages and gorgeous hiking trails. He had booked a small inn and was really looking forward to showing Spock life outside the Academy.

It had been uncharacteristically warm last couple of days and today was the warmest day Kirk had so far experienced. His room weather control system declared the temperature a balmy 37 deg Celsius with no breeze and with the added humidity the "feels like" temperature was 42 degrees! But it was supposed to cool down by mid-day after heavy rains to a perfect 23 deg Celsius. All this Jim had been planning since last couple weeks - since he came to know about the impending holidays. So there was no way he was going to sleep in.

He convinced himself he was just a little sleep deprived and will be fine as soon as he had ran and eaten something.

In slow motion, Jim dressed in a half-sleeve shirt and shorts and hooked a water bottle to his waist belt. Outside the grounds were absolutely deserted, even the grounds keeper whom Jim waved every morning was nowhere to be seen. Jim sighed to himself as he broke into a jog - would Spock even notice the lengths to which he was going to keep up his morning appointment.

Within ten minutes but he was feeling the claustrophobic heat and sweat started running down his body in rivulets. He reached the foot of the hill and flopped down unceremoniously on the grass under the canopy of trees. His body still seemed keen on hanging onto the weird symptoms.

When Spock appeared and Jim noticed his attire he congratulated himself on his own persistence. The upside to this heat was that Spock had ditched his multilayer clothing and Jim realized that he had never seen Spock without a turtleneck undershirt or a sweater till today- the sight of a long exposed neck was reward enough for Jim for the shit he was putting himself through. Spock came over where Jim was working on getting himself from horizontal to vertical position.

"Good morning!" Jim put on his best smile.

"Are you unwell?" Spock wasn't fooled.

"Just after effects of yesterday's late night. The fresh air and run should help."

"Perhaps you should have utilized the holiday to obtain rest as your fellow trainees are all engaged in currently."

 _And miss seeing you?_ Jim thought.

"I wanted to talk to you about something." Kirk tried to switch the topic.

The small dent in Spock's forehead remained which was the only indication that Spock was not distracted. Dark eyes looked at him with concern.

Jim stood up and said "Let's go. I will tell you over breakfast. I need the energy to sell my case."

" Sell your case?" An eyebrow rose up.

" Uh-hmm" was all Kirk said because he really felt the need to get some glucose into his system.

Kirk could feel the burn in his thighs as he kept pace with Spock, who true to his word, had been slowly but surely increasing his speed every few days. Today it looked he like he had taken it up one notch again - _Until you reach you human limits_ , _was what Spock had said._ Well, Jim was not sure how much more his body could give - he wasn't at his limit yet - as in he wasn't keeling over - but he was very close! It took all his effort to keep up and sheer willpower kept him going. Kirk stole a quick glance sideways. Spock was infuriatingly cool and coasting along looking all serene and breathtaking in the morning soft light. Not even a sheen of sweat on his face!

Kirk tried to remind himself, that though Spock _looked_ like him he wasn't really a human inside, heck if his heart was at his side, was it so hard to believe that his lungs and muscles were built with a capacity far beyond Kirk's? That's what he repeated in his head over and over again - but when you are not even 20 years old it's hard to accept your best performance won't impress the one you are trying to impress.

He had to admit though that this idea of running together had turned out to be fantastic training and if he thought he was already a good runner before, now his confidence had sky rocketed. Kirk was sure he was in the top one percent of all the runners currently in the Academy and from a combat point of view, his increasing endurance could make all the difference in a real life mission crisis. He had not dared to ask Spock why the Vulcan had asked to join him in these runs- somethings were best left unanswered. But if Jim had harbored any hopes of striking up conversation with Spock and using these mornings to know his friend better it was clear from the day one that conversation would not be physically possible.

So Kirk had contented himself with stolen glances at the tall figure and concentrated on not bursting his lungs but today was testing his true limits - the burn was now all along his legs and every second became a battle. He dug deep and imagined he was the Captain on a mission on some far planet where his ship had crashed and his crew was depending on him to get back with some lifesaving supplies. Shutting off all outside noise Kirk channeled all his mental energy on his imagination -he was running to save their lives and he couldn't let his crew down.

With just five minutes remaining before they would have reached the end of the trail Kirk's body mutinied and his left leg started going into painful cramps. Kirk groaned with the sharp pain, his steps faltered and he went down on his knees unable to stop the spasms shooting through him.

"Jim!" alarm betrayed a usually even voice.

Kirk's whole focus zeroed in on getting himself back up. He didn't have the strength to reply to Spock but he was not going to stop - not when his crew needed him. So, with another groan he pushed himself up and started running again but the cramps made it impossible and he was now lurching erratically - moving sideways and forward.

Cool fingers closed on his forearm - and gently tugged him - but Kirk just shook his head and all he could see, all he could think and all he would let himself feel was reaching that finish line.

"Jim! Cease this useless endeavor at once!" Spock's voice was urgent and broke through his brain fog.

 _No! No! I won't give up! James T. Kirk will die before giving up on his crew._

He was almost within reach now - the academy's orange brick inlaid pathway starting where the dirt trail ended - their unofficial finish line but Jim's body again gave up. Every muscle screaming in his legs, his lungs threatening to give up and his vision darkening on the edges Jim started crawling on all fours. Spock was saying something, all calmness gone from the Vulcan's voice, but Jim's blood was roaring in his ears and he couldn't hear anything. Dragging his body, inch by inch, he kept going till he touched the finish line and collapsed.


	14. Chapter 14

**Touch**

Spock had not known such fear except the rare times when Amanda fell gravely ill and even then he had always been surrounded by the presence of his father and family and the reassurance in the knowledge of Vulcan healers. He wrestled with his fractured controls as he saw his human fall abruptly and then in an alarming fashion continued to move as if driven by unseen forces outside his body. Jim's face was flushed red, the capillaries in his eyes red, the trickle of blood from his nose red - and Spock started seeing red too. In a moment of pure instinct Spock reached out and held Jim's forearm in an attempt to stop Jim from his insanity - the bare skin damp with sweat - and instantly recoiled from the intense emotions transmitted through the touch.

Spock couldn't read thoughts through touch alone but the tenor of emotions, especially if strong, came across clearly and in that single second Spock was overwhelmed with Kirk's emotions - they were so explosive that Spock was stunned. He sensed a mix of blinding pain and equally strong determination, the latter laced with secondary emotions of sacrifice and utter devotion. Spock couldn't make any sense of these feelings emanating from Kirk - all he saw was the human, who had already been looking pale and unwell since they began running, was now in the midst of full body convulsions with shallow breathing and his body seemed to be shutting down, but to Spock's complete horror Kirk would not stop.

Spock's words were having no effect so he braced himself for the assault of emotions as he was about to physically stop Kirk, who had started crawling now, when the cadet finally collapsed. Spock immediately turned him over and with one hand started taking his pulse while with the other he opened his communicator and raised Dr. McCoy, one part of his brain calculating the vitals he was observing and the other part processing the emotions leaching through the touch. This was not the first time Spock had touched a human, he had been residing here for two years now and engaged in various required activities including hand to hand combat as well as numerous handshakes as custom demanded. Never before had touching another person's skin produced such jarring effect on his system.

" Get him here at once! " was the last bark from Dr. McCoy before Spock put away his comm. Kirk was absolutely still now, eyes closed, his breathing so shallow and slow that he appeared almost not breathing at all - Spock moved swiftly and without any more preamble scooped up the precious cargo in his arms and ran through the buildings straight to the on-campus hospital and medical research facility. At the door, the guard was waiting with the door unlocked and behind him Spock saw Dr. McCoy and a human female with a stretcher. Spock lay down Kirk gently on the stretcher and then they were all running down the corridor with the female steering the anti-grav stretcher while Dr. McCoy was already administering hypos. They swung into a room and Kirk was transferred to the bio bed and Dr. McCoy and Spock read the name tag of the female - a Ms. Ruth Bonne - started hooking up various life support systems. A team of nurses were already waiting armed with various tricorders and hypos and for next several minutes the flurry of activity was all Spock could focus on punctuated by Dr. McCoy's barked orders. Spock had extensive knowledge of human physiology and the vitals he had gathered in the few seconds it had taken to contact the doctor - pulse, breathing rate, skin temperature - had all indicated the body of James T. Kirk was dying. A nurse started to strip him out of his blood, dirt and sweat soaked clothes and Spock directed his gaze to the monitors instead.

Standing rigidly in a corner of the room, his fingers curled into fists at his sides, he battled with himself as he watched the medics battle to save the human being who had become central to Spock's existence. Time seemed to stretch on illogically - each second more like eons - but at last Dr. McCoy straightened up and the nurses left the room collecting blood soaked tissues and empty hypos. Ms. Ruth turned to Spock and addressed him "He is stable now. He is still in critical condition but out of danger." Spock was deeply grateful to the perceptive female - it was then Dr. McCoy focused on Spock and immediately started firing thousand simultaneous questions with an expression of violence on his face.

"What the hell happened? He almost died Spock? His heart stopped and his organs failed ..." he took a deep shaky breath and as he exhaled the Doctor seemed to lose all air and deflated. With a look of pain he whispered " I...I lost him for several seconds there...the bastard fought back though...stubborn like always."

Spock cautiously walked towards the bio-bed, his restraints stretched to the limits by the combined influx of Jim's emotions and the Doctor's.

" What was the cause?" his voice came out low and thick.

" I don't know yet. My readings show massive paralysis and multi-organ failure which caused the heart to stop beating but it's not consistent with any known cause I can think of. Jim has a very healthy physique. I saw him just yesterday and so did Ruth - he was as healthy as a horse. We are taking samples and will run tests."

Ms. Bonne finished taking samples and they both started leaving the room but Spock didn't move. When McCoy looked up questioningly, Spock asked " May I remain?"

" You don't have to, his vitals are all hooked up to the machine and I will get paged direct if anything changes at all, plus the nurses are monitoring him remotely."

" I will not interfere with your care Doctor, I merely wish to remain and observe."

" By all means Spock but he won't wake up for few hours at least. I will get you when I have something from the tests."

Left alone at last, the only sound in the room the beeps from the various machines and the cadet's regular breathing, Spock let his guards down. He was exhausted. Spock moved to the side of the bio bed and stood looking down for a long time while his mind processed the deep emotions which had laid dormant in his Vulcan brain till today.

Then he slowly extended a hand tentatively, the gesture born out of a new desire yet foreign to him, and lightly smoothed the blonde hair he so cherished.

At the touch Spock felt the electric charge like sensation again and this time he was not stunned though still perplexed. His mind had started forming a hypothesis as to why he had been drawn to Jim from the very first moment his eyes had found him and now this bizarre reaction at physical contact. He filed away the hypothesis to be revisited later. He focused on the various numbers displayed on the monitors and was reassured to see Dr. McCoy was right - his human was indeed out of critical condition and even as he watched the numbers steadily climbed indicating rapid progress.

Spock released a breath he didn't know he was holding and finally relaxed from his rigid pose. He had an urge to go to the lab and assist the Doctor in testing - Spock was reasonably sure this was a premeditated action by someone - but the urge to remain besides Jim - _his Jim_ \- won out. He pulled a chair close to the bed and sat down, his fingers in a steeple in front of him, elbows resting on his knees as he tried to put together all the information he had.

After two hours, Ms. Bonne came in to check on her patient. She smiled sweetly at Spock who softened his face and nodded at her; she expertly checked the various machine readings and ran her tricorder over Jim. Satisfied with her patient's recovery, she turned to Spock and asked in a warm but calm voice "You must be Instructor Spock, Sir. I am Ruth, a first year like Kirk and I work with Dr. McCoy in his lab."

"You are correct, I am Spock."

"I do not mean to patronize you Sir, but you probably missed breakfast; we have a small cafe in the building here, you will find Vulcan choices programmed in the synthesizers." she spoke with the same calm voice.

Spock noted the obvious physical beauty - blonde hair, petite body, large steel grey eyes - but encapsulating all that was a highly intelligent, perceptive and mature young woman.

"It is not patronizing, on the contrary I am grateful for the attention you have showed me. Vulcans however do not require sustenance like humans and we can go for long periods without it. I prefer to remain here."

"I understand. Would you like anything else?"

"I am curious about what you and the doctor have found so far?"

"Ahhh...yes." She looked at Kirk with a gentle look on her face and continued "His blood shows trace amount of foreign substances. We have been able to identify only one of them till now - a form of slow release neural paralyzer. Most neural paralyzers cause a cessation of detectable heartbeat and respiration in a humanoid patient, creating the appearance of death but can be treated successfully if the patient is brought to medical care in time. This particular drug does not show up on our databases so it is not only illegally obtained but must be from a star system outside Federation membership. The compound seems to have been administered not more than 6 hours ago given the rate of its decomposition."

Spock rested his chin on his steepled fingers and replied "Evidence so far points to an attempt on Cadet Kirk's life made sometime last night."

"Yes, I have been thinking the same though I can't fathom why someone would want to hurt him. But in my profession, I have come across numerous times when the human mind is able to conceive deadly acts, sometimes for no reason at all."

"Indeed." Spock nodded and then added "What is your field of study Ms. Bonne?"

"Please call me Ruth. I am in the medical research track, specializing in space humanoid neuropsychology and neural grafting."

"You will make a most adequate scientist."

She smiled sweetly "Coming from you that is high praise, thank you Sir." Spock returned the smile with his eyes. Any well-wisher of Jim was by default in Spock's list of approved acquaintances.

They both looked at their charge and after a few moments Ruth spoke again softly "Thank you also for him" taking her eyes off Kirk. "Had it not been for you I don't want to think what would have happened."

"I believe the paralyzer was designed to slow release so that he would have slowly died in his sleep and this attempt was timed precisely when the whole Academy was busy till late night. Which meant that today morning absences would not have been unusual and any chance of help and medical intervention would have been conveniently delayed till it was too late. A well thought-out plan."

The young cadet looked troubled but she did not react in any overt way like the Doctor would have.

"I am worried about his safety. If this person or persons are truly after his life, they will attempt again."

"It is a reasonable assumption." Spock replied in an even tone, taking great comfort in being able to discuss this matter-of-factly with someone who seemed to be equally worried about Kirk but capable of rational thought process. For all the harmful elements Kirk seemed to have attracted, thankfully he had also managed to gain the loyalty of competent and compassionate people like Ms. Bonne and Dr. McCoy.

"I must go back to the lab." She looked up once more at the monitors by Kirk's head and said " He will be waking up soon. I want to finish our testing by then."

Spock was once again alone and he was deeply disturbed by the new knowledge shared by Ruth. He settled into a light meditation keeping his eyes locked on the white bed sheet covered form.

* * *

He felt a soft material on his body and soft beeping noises before he realized his eyes were closed. Jim breathed deeply and for a minute tried to get his bearing and take stock of the various aches and pains coming from every part of his body. The memory cleared slowly and he was relieved to notice there was no pain in his legs anymore. His headache was gone as well and he felt overall healthy - just a slight vague feeling of being run over by an elephant.

Simultaneously he sensed someone's presence next to him and without any explanation he instinctively knew who it was. This made him smile and so when he opened his eyes finally it was to see Spock's face looking at him over long fingers joined in a thoughtful pose.

"Hey" Jim croaked.

No reply just an intense scrutinizing look.

Jim wiggled his toes and fingers and tried to lift his head. That produced an immediate reaction. "Do not attempt any movements. Dr. McCoy is no doubt on his way here and I would not want to be the object of his wrath for failing my duties."

"I am your duty?" Jim challenged with a smile.

"The word will suffice for now."

Jim looked at Spock unable to hide his feelings - moisture seeping onto his eyes. He wasn't sure what the hell had happened and he was sure Bones was about to let him know that in colorful language but for now Jim felt such comfort and gratitude for the Vulcan that he was overwhelmed.

"Spock" Jim said softly "Thank you."

"Circumstances proved to be favorable. I was simply with you at the right moment."

"Vulcans don't do thanks, do they?" Jim chuckled but Spock's response made the moment lighter and he blinked back his tears successfully.

Spock ignored his attempt at humor and continued in the grave tone "I must admit my initial comment about your decision to not rest today morning was unfortunate, I now stand corrected and am gratified you chose that particular course of action."

"Oh?" Jim was surprised. He couldn't recall Spock ever being wrong about anything so far!

"I am curious about the subject you wished to discuss." Spock asked.

Jim was suddenly alert "Damn! What time is it...don't tell me I have been out for a whole day or something."

"Fortunately not. You have been unconscious for 6 hours 12 minutes and 38 seconds."

Before he could comment on the preciseness of Spock's reply a blur of clothes shot past through the door and he _heard_ Bones before he saw him properly.

"God dammit man! Is this how I get to spend the first holiday we have got since the year started?"

Jim felt genuinely guilty though he knew McCoy was simply pulling his leg. He replied in embarrassment "Sorry Bones. This was definitely not how I was planning to spend it. I have no clue how I am in your med bay under _your_ supervision." His eyes fell on the figure behind McCoy and he flashed a grin at Ruth. He sat up and no one protested.

No one returned his smile either, instead three pair of eyes silently looked at him in various degrees of concern and exasperation.

 _Not one but a whole pack of mother hens,_ Jim thought to himself. _And humorless ones at that._

"First that kid Ivanov and now you - I don't need any more of you turning up all blue and dying." Bones muttered waving his tricorder all over Jim.

 _"_ Don't look at me like I did something Bones! I did not…" Jim said defensively and then added hesitantly "at least I don't think I did anything..."

Spock spoke up "You did not. Doctor, will you please cease your accusations and explain your conclusion."

Throwing a murderous glance at Spock, McCoy explained the neuroparalyzer he had found in his blood, it's illegal and lethal use and how lucky he was that Spock had been able to bring him here.

Jim's eyes were wide. He instantly forgave his friends for the seriousness.

 _He had been poisoned?!_

"So you are saying I ate something ...or drank something last night at the party which had been tweaked?" Jim was not happy.

"That would seem so. Though we can't be 100% sure that it was you who was the target. I mean it was a mad house last night. Maybe you picked up someone else's glass?" the doctor speculated.

No, Jim was _sure_ he had been the intended victim. But he didn't say anything aloud.

"So what's my prognosis now?"

"You will make a full recovery within two days. All you need is rest but otherwise there is no permanent damage." and Bones proceeded to unhook him from all the machines.

"How much rest are we talking about?"

"Jim! You just died few hours ago! Give your body some credit!"

Ruth spoke up for the first time. "If you engage in any vigorous activity your body will over heat and you risk suffering another breakdown. So no running, hiking, lifting heavy etc...and no sex."

Jim grinned.

"Do I have to be chained to this...bed?" was his next question.

McCoy raised an eyebrow but replied "No, there is no need for you to be _chained_...I can fit you with a remote tracker and you can recuperate in your own room."

Jim shifted his weight and flushed slightly. "Actually I was hoping to check out this place two hours from here. I had it all planned out you know. I want to still be able to go..." McCoy started saying something but Jim raised his hands "I won't be doing any hiking or anything stupid...I promise!"

Bones shook his head "Sorry kiddo, your room is one thing but I can't let you be on your own outside the grounds. If something goes wrong, you won't be able to get help."

Jim blushed deeper "Well...actually I wasn't planning to go alone...I didn't get the chance...I was planning in the morning to bring it up but then ... _this_ happened." He looked at Spock finally not daring to ask in front of others but cornered into the situation.

"I will accompany him Doctor" Spock spoke smoothly.

Both Ruth and McCoy looked surprised but they quickly composed themselves. "Ummm...okay...I guess that will be fine. I will get you a tracker Jim. Spock you have my number already. Oh...Jim, there will an officer coming to take your testimony. We had to report the drug. It's illegal. Sorry."

"That's okay Bones...thanks for saving my life" Jim squeezed his friend's arm affectionately.

Bones grunted, "Ruth and I will see you at the cafe then. I am not releasing you until you eat something for lunch."

Jim nodded obediently.

"Spock? You joining us?" McCoy asked a little unsure.

"I will accompany Cadet Kirk to the cafeteria after the officer's visit."

"He hasn't left your side for one second the entire morning Jim ...who knew Vulcans made such good babysitters" McCoy rolled his eyes and then stormed out.

Jim looked down at his hands, aware that he had put Spock on the spot, and the Vulcan had been given no choice but agree to babysit him. Both in the morning when he collapsed and now for the overnight trip. He was embarrassed and there was no taking back his words either. Spock was silent.

A nurse came in with the remote tracker and affixed it to his ankle.

Officer Mendez was a dark haired rugged looking man. He recorded everything as Kirk tried to recollect his actions and whereabouts in the past 24 hours. It had been an unusual day because of Federation Day and he had come in contact with many unknown faces and in the night he had decided to let go and enjoy himself. As a result, he didn't really remember much except that he mainly hung out with his friends and Bones and Ruth. Mendez took down all of his friends' names - his sparring group basically - and Jim felt guilty at inconveniencing everyone. His mood soured at this thought and when the Officer left he slowly got up from the bio bed testing his balance and strength.

"You are distressed." Spock said in his deep baritone.

Jim just sighed. He was having a mini pity party and had no intention of letting Spock know.

Jim was dressed in med bay clothes he realized - which weren't bad - a loose fitting long sleeved white shirt and matching white pants but he did wonder about the part of Spock not leaving his side for a single second. He had the worst luck when it came to Spock - either he was burping, or collapsing, or being poisoned or being changed like a baby. _Just great! No wonder Spock considered it his duty to babysit him._

"Jim?" Spock had closed the gap to where Jim was standing and was in his private space now.

"I don't want you to _have_ to take care of me Spock. I wasn't planning to put you on spot like that. The trip was the subject I told you today morning I wanted to talk to you about - we can cancel it. As I said it wasn't meant to be shoved down your throat."

"I have desired to experience terran customs, flora, fauna and life outside Academy for the past two years. I would not be happy to cancel it but if you so wish I will not object. However, please understand, no matter what you choose to do for the next three days I do not plan to leave your side." Spock spoke in a low voice.

Jim looked up at these words - his eyes round with surprise at the certainty with which Spock had declared his intentions - and shivered at Spock's proximity and the Vulcan's refusal to indulge Jim in his self-pity. Spock was looking at him with searing intensity and Jim immediately dropped his gaze.

His brain stopped working as the moment lingered on, Spock standing so near him that Jim struggled to control his urge to reach out.

"Do you wish me to leave you side?" cool air blew across Jim's face as the words made him feel hot. _Seriously Jim! Calm down!_

Jim wanted to reply "Never" but simply shook his head instead. His comm chirped just then and the moment was broken before Jim did anything stupid. Spock immediately took a step back and stood with his hands folded behind his back.

It was Bones "I am running out of patience here, what's taking you so long?!"

 _Good old Bones._

Jim smiled and told Spock "Bones may put me back in the bio bed unless we show up soon."

"That would not be...desirable."

"No, not at all" laughed Kirk and started walking with a slow but steady gait and Spock followed by his side matching Kirk's pace.


	15. Chapter 15

**Preparations**

Spock followed Jim to the modest sized cafeteria in the medical building. Several of the patients, judging by their hospital-issued white garments, in various stages of recovery, could be seen partaking in mid-day meal. Spock noticed the distinct lack of social conversation among most of them - there was an air of aloofness and loneliness that Spock had never seen in other areas of the Academy. Food choices at the synthesizers were different as well - to Spock's pleasant surprise, there were several vegetarian choices along with mandatory servings of vegetables with the meat choices- but judging by Kirk's expression, these options were not the most well received. Spock chose a terran soup while Kirk grudgingly chose a meal of grilled chicken sandwich, which came with beans soup and fresh fruits. Medical staffs like Dr. McCoy, in their Starfleet issued uniforms, stood out among the all-whites and were easy to spot; both of them headed to the table where the Doctor and his assistant were seated.

During the walk to cafeteria and meal selection, Spock had formed a plan in his mind. Upon reaching the table, he let McCoy interrogate Kirk about the conditions which landed him in med bay, while Spock attended to his soup with speed. He was done within five minutes.

Addressing the doctor, he said, "I will need to go to my room to prepare for the trip. If you can assure me of remaining by Cadet Kirk's side, while I complete my preparations, I would be gratified. I will need fifteen minutes. No more."

"In case you have forgotten, he is _my_ patient first! Of course, I can and will take care of him!" The doctor replied with customary chagrin.

Spock briefly considered asking, if the doctor was aware of a state of mind, which was not extreme agitation or extreme distress, but in the interest of expediency dropped the idea. He nodded and swiftly rose from the table with his empty food tray, and while he was disposing off the remains in the recycle and compost bins, heard Kirk complain, "Whoa! What's this? Are you all planning on keeping up with this around the clock vigilance on me?"

The last Spock's superior hearing picked up as he exited the cafeteria was, the doctor's reply, "No one asked your opinion kid, that's right, you have no choice!"

Spock walked in a brisk manner, which was equivalent to a human's jog, to the officers' quarters at the south of the campus. Once in his apartment, it took him precisely 3 minutes 45 seconds to pack an overnight bag with the essentials. Spock lived a Spartan life - a product of beginning life anew on a planet and having inherited nothing from his Vulcan family. The only items he had brought from his home world, were a meditation mat, few Vulcan books from his personal collection, and few traditional Vulcan robes. He had needed to learn from scratch and adapt to everything terran, from the material of his bed sheets to the toiletries, from the cooking utensils and spices to the Earth candles he used during relaxation periods. His apartment looked bare, not because he mourned the loss of his familial home and his childhood room, which had housed a rich variety of artifacts, but because he had not yet learnt the art of decorating using the unfamiliar terran items. He spent an additional minute changing into non-StarFleet clothing and then headed back to the medical building.

Kirk was waiting outside the building with McCoy, both of them engaged in animated discussion, but as soon as they spotted Spock, the "discussion" ceased, causing Spock to speculate he may have been the subject of their conversation.

"Satisfied, gentlemen? Am I free to walk now?" Cadet Kirk looked severely unhappy at the arrangement.

"Off you go...I want daily updates and don't you dare make me come back because you managed to trip over a pebble or something ...Jocelyn won't be happy to put it mildly," the doctor ordered Kirk.

"Have fun Bones, enjoy the break!"

"Fun?...yeah right. Mr. Spock - he _must_ rest! Consider this a medical leave not vacation," was the last caustic comment from the doctor.

Walking towards the first years' building, Spock scrutinized Kirk for any signs of fatigue or ailment, but he looked no worse than on any regular day. The only remnants of the morning's event were a perceptibly slower speed with which he walked and slight dimming of those bright eyes. The other visible scarring and damages had been removed by the doctor and his team.

"So Spock, did you have any questions about this plan of mine?" Kirk asked with a smile which touched his eyes.

"I have several questions actually. I will start with the name of our destination and its significance."

"Good choice! It's a small place called Mendocino. I have never been there myself but the description sounded perfect. It has gorgeous hikes, which is out of picture now. It's on the coast with miles of pristine beach, lakes and rivers, mountains and forests. There is kayaking, wine tasting, centuries old light houses and my favorite is the ancient transportation system called a steam-locomotive." As he spoke, Kirk became visibly energized, and Spock found he was unable to resist the keen interest he himself experienced.

They were at Kirk's room and Spock noticed the extra security protocol at the door keypad. He had stood at this spot on the first day of the year, but he had never been inside Kirk's room. Spock was suddenly unsure about human etiquette in such circumstances. On Vulcan, entering one's personal quarters was limited to the immediate family and even then, one did not simply visit without prior understanding. So, Spock stood at the door, with one hand on the strap of his overnight bag, and the other tucked in his jean's pockets, for lack of a better option.

Kirk was still talking about the seemingly endless activities they could enjoy at their intended destination, and pulled out an interesting looking bag with multiple openings and closures, and flung it on the single bed. At that moment, he finally noticed Spock and stopped speaking mid-sentence with a look of confusion on his face. Then he asked, "What's the matter? Does something stink?"

Spock suppressed an internal sigh. Humans seemed to add an extra layer of difficulty for him, in situations which were already precarious to begin with, by employing arcane phrases.

"I am unsure about the customs observed on Earth when entering one's private quarters."

"No customs are observed, especially not among friends, you just barge in and make yourself home." Kirk replied with his easy smile.

So Spock proceeded to "barge in" and then was presented with a new conundrum - where in the room to position himself - the bed was too personal, the only chair next to the study table was unavailable due to an assortment of clothing hanging from it, he couldn't just stand in the middle of the room. Finally he crossed the length of the room and stood next to the window hoping it would suffice.

Kirk followed him with this eyes, the expression on his face hinting at amusement ,and said, "We are going to be sharing a room Mr. Spock for the next two days, how did you survive the last two years...didn't you have to share your room?"

"Negative."

"You have never done this before?! You have a room all to yourself here?"

"Indeed."

"Why?" Kirk was unable to curb his curiosity, it seemed.

"Vulcans are a private species and even among family members sharing rooms is unusual. Captain Pike has been most kind to me by persuading Starfleet to accommodate my needs."

Kirk looked pensive. "I see. I didn't know this...cultural difference. Ummmm...I will have to check if an additional room is available at the inn I booked at. Give me a minute," and Kirk was reaching for his PADD.

"That will not be necessary. I am not averse to learn this human ...custom. Furthermore, I am not comfortable in leaving you unattended in your present condition."

Kirk said something under his breath, which Spock's ears picked up as a reference to maternal domestic fowl, but the cadet added in a normal voice aloud, "Okay then! That's settled. Give me a hand so we can get out of here already."

Spock did not extend his hand to the cadet as he would have done two years ago, instead he deduced that the cadet was asking for his help. He was glad to be able to assist - a vast improvement over standing like a fixture in the corner.

"How may I be of help?"

"Stuff everything from that drawer into this bag." Kirk instructed, pointing to the bed, and then he disappeared into the bathroom, with a small empty bag in his hand.

Spock hesitated for a fraction at the intimacy of the action he was asked, but then squaring his shoulders he proceeded to extract the clothing items from the specified drawer one by one, folding them neatly and stacking them on the bed. He picked up the last item - a pair of trousers, listening all the while to the various clattering and banging noises coming from the bathroom which suggested Kirk was "stuffing" an alarming number of personal hygiene products, when Spock noticed the piece of paper lying on the bottom of the shelf, its surface dotted with red ink.

Spock read the words written on it - _" Fuck you pretty boy. If you say one word to anyone,I will hurt your people,you are so fucked James T. Kirk."_ \- and froze.


	16. Chapter 16

**Journey**

Jim emerged from the bathroom to see neat piles of clothes on his bed categorized by type and size and immediately broke into a chuckle. Moving hurriedly because he was impatient to get his vacation started, he started putting the stacks of clothes in his hiking backpack - it was the only kind he owned - and then saw Spock standing hesitantly with his pair of trousers by the dresser. He plucked the trousers from Spock's hands and hurried back into the bathroom to change calling out behind his back "Do you ever do anything that is _not_ orderly and logical Mr. Spock?"

Spock didn't answer and Jim chuckled some more at the discomfort the poor guy was experiencing having to put up with Kirk's mess of a room and with no customs to fall back on. Dressed in a plaid shirt and dark trousers Jim stepped out and moved to his bursting backpack, zipped the last pocket closed and hoisted the now heavy the bag on his shoulders. Immediately he felt a sense of vertigo sweep through him and swayed a little.

It was gone in the next instant but Spock had of course caught it and the dark eyes were filled with concern. Jim sighed.

"I am fine Spock. Don't look at me like that. Everyone's been looking at me lately like that!"

Spock wasn't persuaded and still looking all grim he simply extended one hand with the palm open.

Jim didn't want to spoil their vacation mood so he acquiesced and handed the heavy backpack to Spock.

"Ready?" he asked.

Spock nodded and they left Jim's room - Jim feeling stupid with Spock carrying his bag - and walked to where the main road ran by the Academy grounds; a hovercraft Jim had booked was waiting for them floating in the air silently.

They climbed in and Jim commanded the navigation panel - "Albion Inn California, max speed" and the hovercraft took off with a _whoosh_. It rose up vertically and beyond the Academy grounds the Command headquarters came into view - a magnificent structure which thrust itself upward in a symbol for what space exploration was about - situated in the redwood forest of old city peninsula. There weren't very many of buildings like these except the historically important few which had been kept in their original form to remind future generations of what once they had been. The smooth tritanium-blue surface of the headquarters, from where all decisions about space explorations and missions were issued, gleamed in the afternoon light as their hovercraft left the bay area behind and kilometers upon kilometers of blue water and green vegetation stretched ahead. He still could not believe that all the clutter which a living civilization entailed had all been up on the surface just a few centuries ago almost killing off the planet's atmosphere and delicate eco-system.

It had been a landmark turn in Earth's history when mankind moved much of that clutter of their lives underground leaving the planet surface open to ecological rehabilitation and reform.

Spock had been silent since they left his room and Jim didn't like the little frown that had been on his face.

"Have you ever been inside there?" Jim asked pointing to the fleet tower.

"Negative. I believe access is restricted to flag officers and high level diplomats except in special cases like transfer of command of a starship."

"Someday I hope to be there..." Jim said wistfully looking at the receding structure.

The frown disappeared and Spock looked at him with interest "Do you desire a desk job?"

Jim laughed "Oh no!...to take command of my own ship I meant." And a small blush crept up as he added softly "It's what I have dreamed of since a kid."

Spock watched him with a soft expression for a few moments no doubt noticing his sudden red cheeks.

"I look forward to that day then." the Vulcan replied matter-of-factly but it was the first time ever that Jim had expressed his most ardent desire to someone whose opinion he really respected and to have Spock so casually and yet earnestly accept his ambitious dream overwhelmed Kirk for a moment. He blinked at Spock and then looking away to hide his face replied, "Thank you. That means a lot...more than you will know."

Jim looked out of the window again at the blue waters of the Pacific ocean they were passing by, above them heavily pregnant grey clouds hung low and in the distance he could just about make out the horizon. The heat against which he had struggled today morning - _had all that been just today morning?_ \- had not dissipated yet and the air was still with the storm that was no doubt building up. Jim wasn't worried of course, minor storms were allowed by the planet wide weather control system and on days like today he wondered how the humans in past braved destructive weather patterns like tornadoes and hurricanes. He had read about them in earth history courses and sometimes felt a morbid desire to experience the wrath of nature first hand. He knew though that in reality the loss of life was too high a price to pay for the adventure and thrill such phenomenon may have provided. He would seek out adventure elsewhere - beyond his planet and star system.

"What about you?"

Spock turned back from his own window to look at him and after a pause replied "I do not desire command."

"You do not?! You are brilliant, competent, brave...everything a Captain needs to be."

"I appreciate your kind though perhaps biased words but I wish to serve. My expertise will be most useful in a position which aids the leadership and allows me to pursue my scientific curiosity."

"Hmmm...now that you mention it, you are right. You are a scientist at heart...maybe a Science officer then?"

"A most amenable suggestion."

A smile lit up Kirk's face..."I can't wait for that day Spock! The ship which has you on board will be the luckiest in all of fleet."

Before Spock could respond, the 250 km distance had been covered in 15 minutes at max speed and their hovercraft started descending rapidly.

Kirk peered below to see they were above a small collection of secluded white colored cottages which were nestled along the slope of a mountain range, dotted with pink and white blooms among lush green vegetation. They disembarked from the hovercraft which left with another _whoosh_ and walked down a charming path made of oval stones set in moss covered ground. Shrubs with various colored flowers lined both sides and the smell of roses filled the air. Jim stole a glance at Spock and was relieved to see his friend's mood had improved and Spock was clearly bowled over by the natural and simple beauty of the rustic little establishment.

Inside the one-story building marked "Registration" was an old lady who greeted them.

"Mr. Kirk?" she asked with a smile.

"Yes ma'am, I have a room booked for 2 nights."

"It is all ready for you. Have you been here before?" She asked as she scanned his fingerprints for verification.

"Actually no, it's our first time." Jim smiled back pointing at Spock and himself.

"You will like what we have here then, our inn and the surrounding area are designed for relaxation and rejuvenation. Everything you see has been preserved painstakingly from centuries ago - so don't be surprised when doors don't open by themselves and meals don't pop out of synthesizers. In keeping with that theme, we do not use any modern entertainment like computer libraries or holovideos. Food is cooked the traditional way it used to be centuries ago and served at the common restaurant though we do employ modern emission-free fuel. You have room number 20. Don't miss the spectacular sunset every evening. Enjoy your stay gentlemen." and she handed them an old fashioned key and a paper-map!

Thanking the lady they left and once outside Jim opened the map studying it, while Spock looked over his shoulder. He handed the key to Spock and asked "Well, Mr. Spock?"

"Fascinating" Spock replied turning the key over in his hand, feeling the metal and studying the grooves intently.

"I thought you would like the unique experience and the view."

"You were correct. I am familiar with twentieth century terran life from my studies but I have not experienced it first hand and ...all of this is most interesting."

Feeling intense happiness that Spock liked his choice, he traced his fingers on the map and said "20 is this last one here...shall we?"

Spock closed his long fingers on the key and adjusting the two bags on himself set off. Jim followed relishing the expression on the Vulcan's face who looked truly fascinated with everything around them.

They walked along the mountain edge and reached a cottage at the end, surrounded by a wall of privacy trees, overlooking the ocean which had cut into the mountain range forming a perfect cliff top. Spock found the keyhole in the front-door and inserted the key carefully with a look which Kirk suspected was as near to delight as Vulcans got to. When the door swung in on slightly creaking hinges to reveal the cutest place Kirk had ever seen, Spock stood with a look of wonder.

A huge bed with wooden headboards and covered in floral bed sheets lined with delicate lace was off to one side of the spacious room, two comfortable chairs facing an old style fireplace was on the other side and one whole side of the room was lined with windows which looked out to the most stunning view of blue ocean and green mountainside. The opposite wall was lined with a floor to ceiling book case filled with rows and rows of actual leather bound books! Spock dropped the bags on the floor and wandered around looking at everything as if he was in a museum and Jim found it...adorable! In a corner of the room was a round wood table on which stood a beautifully carved old fashioned 2D chess board - opened up and just waiting for someone to use.

Kirk walked out to the wooden private deck which overlooked the ocean and breathed in the heavy balmy air. There were two Adirondack chairs and a swing-chair large enough to accommodate two - all made of wood with a beautiful patina on them and the swing seat cushion was covered with the same floral pattern as the bed. As the old lady had promised, he did indeed feel a little of all the built-up stress in his body leaving him.

"Is walking down to the bluff considered strenuous activity?" Kirk called out aloud to Spock and wandered back in the living room where he found Spock bent over and peering at the various little knick-knacks on the mantel piece.

"Negative." Spock straightened and gazed at Jim with a look which said he could detect Jim's excitement from a mile away and reciprocated it.

"C'mon then" Jim said excitedly reaching out towards Spock and pulling him by the sleeve of his shirt, literally dragged Spock behind him.

* * *

Notes:

The inn is real! Google for "Albion river inn room 20".


	17. Chapter 17

**Beauty**

Spock followed by his side, a small step behind, letting Kirk take the lead - it seemed the logical order of universe - Kirk lead and Spock followed. He would have insisted on leading the way due to the possibility of Kirk's weakened body coming upon unexpected danger. However, the mountain side was not steep and as such he saw no logic in denying the human the pleasure of finding his way. He noticed Kirk had brightened up considerably after they had landed in this mesmerizing place. He had watched Jim inhale deeply and take in the flora and fauna with a gleam in his eyes. They walked in comfortable silence for some time.

Suddenly he was startled by a high pitch noise and he realized it was emanating from his companion's lips. He cocked his head and looked at Kirk with curiosity. There seemed to be a musical tone to the high pitch noise. "May I inquire to the nature of the sound you are currently producing?" Kirk flashed him a bright grin and said with a laugh "I am whistling Spock".

"Whistling?"

"Yes, it's a sound made by ..uh..forcing air through one's lips...like this". Kirk proceeded to create a circle with his lips while simultaneously his cheeks protruded. Spock's eyebrow arched up. Kirk gave up and shrugged. "It's something humans do, Mr. Spock".

"What purpose does it serve? Communication does not seem to be the intention".

"No, no, it's not meant for communication. It's just..uh..a way to express I guess."

"Express?"

Kirk made a curious laughing sound "I don't know Spock. It is just something humans do when they are happy".

"Fascinating. Please continue."

Kirk shook his head and looked away. Spock knew this look and it meant the human felt the emotion termed embarrassment.

"I feel conscious now. I didn't even realize I was whistling. It has been a while I did that." They seem to be nearing the edge of the cliff.

"I apologize. Perhaps I should not have interrupted."

Kirk just smiled and kept walking.

"Jim... I want to listen to you whistle. Please continue," said Spock in a quiet voice.

The sound started again after a few moments and this time Spock was sure to just listen and try to memorize the melody his human created.

They reached the bottom of the slope from the cottage where the ocean waves were crashing beneath the rocky cliff wall and stood atop the bluff edge and watched the sea gulls swooping down to the surface of water. Kirk sat down cross legged on the rocky bluff point and patted the space next to him with a smile. Spock slid down and after a moment of hesitation folded his long limbs into himself wrapping his arms around his folded knees in an informal posture which would have been frowned upon on his home planet.

After few minutes Kirk spoke up without taking his eyes off the water body."Spock why didn't you come to the gala - on Federation day?"

Spock considered how to frame his response and chose his words carefully, "I have found such occasions to be uncomfortable."

"Because of the noise and chaos?"

"Because of my inability to understand the purpose of such gathering, the rules of non-verbal communication which dominate such events and my aversion to physical contact."

"Yes I have noticed that. Would it be rude of me to ask ...why you ... avoid physical contact?"

"On the contrary... a direct question is the most efficient manner of soliciting information."

Jim turned to Spock and waited.

Spock took a deep breath and unconsciously switched to his professor voice. "Vulcans are touch telepaths. We can read emotions through touch alone and ...thoughts through joining of minds...this is not a problem usually as every Vulcan practices shielding their telepathy and beyond childhood we can both block reading others and prevent others from reading us. Human beings are unaware of the skills required to control or shield their emotions. A Vulcan whose shields are weakened may inadvertently violate another's privacy and himself suffer unpleasant emotional transference."

"I see." Kirk replied thoughtfully. "And so being in such an environment is overwhelming for you...and taxes your shields?"

"Affirmative."

"You also said that you do not understand the purpose of such gatherings. Doesn't the concept of celebration exist on Vulcan?"

"Celebration would not be a correct term. We have ceremonies however most are private events where only family members are invited and we acknowledge each other's company through silent communal meditation."

"Wow...sounds so opposite of ours." Jim chewed on his lower lip as he looked back out to the ocean.

Spock was relieved to see his explanations were accepted - he shouldn't look for acceptance but he found nevertheless that he was anxious to make Kirk understand him - not just Vulcan culture but Spock himself - he realized that he wanted Kirk to _see_ inside him.

"I have a question of my own."

"Shoot."

Spock raised an eyebrow at the idiom but focused on the matter at hand, "I wish to know why did you keep on running today morning...even when it was obvious you were incapacitated?"

A pair of bright eyes immediately shut closed and a blonde head dropped in between two palms in a gesture which alarmed Spock. "I apologize for my-"

Kirk spoke from his hidden spot between his hands but his voice was clear and even "No, don't. It's not that...I am just embarrassed."

Spock was unsure what to say next when Kirk again spoke up, "Do you promise not to tell anyone?"

 _Such a unique human expression - the extraction of honor_ \- Spock thought. Gently he replied to the young man who in moments like these was still outgrowing his boyhood, "I do."

"At first, I thought it was the heat getting to me. You know...just dehydration hitting my system. Then I think, I was delusional. Something must have been added to the paralyzer. Anyways, my delusion happened to be this vivid feeling that I was..."

Kirk removed a hand from his face and started fiddling with a blade of grass near his foot keeping his eyes on the ground, "a captain of a ship...we were marooned on some planet somewhere...and I was trying to save my crew. Every time I hurt, I reminded myself that the lives of my men and women depended on me...on my ability to channel my mind over my body...it sounds ridiculous I know, but it was what I was trying to do."

Spock studied the downcast face. Such immense mental power without any formal training was surprising and admirable but it seemed the youngster did not appreciate his own strength.

"Your sense of duty, devotion and sacrifice is admirable."

At these words, Kirk finally looked up and his eyes searched for something in Spock's face.

"You are not kidding! You actually believe me!"

"I always do. I also felt your emotions first hand." Spock replied.

"Oh?!"

"I must apologize for my lapse of controls...the circumstances were unexpected." Spock hung his head.

"So you read my emotions?" Kirk didn't look offended, Spock noted.

"Yes. They were not logical and I was confused. I expected you to feel fear and helplessness - normal reactions when faced with extreme pain."

"I _did_ feel fear. I am certain I did. But as I said I was delusional. Honestly you are giving way too much credit. That's the second time today you have heard my ridiculous idea about being a Captain." A crooked smile tried to make light of the situation.

"Jim, you demonstrated mind control which would make trained Vulcans look inferior next to you yet you remain oblivious. There is nothing _ridiculous_ about your merit as a candidate for Captaincy. Do not doubt your worth and do not let anyone else make you doubt!" Spock almost growled.

Kirk looked stunned at the intensity of Spock's words. "Wow! No one has shown such faith in me ...you just listen and you understand me...you _never_ judge me! Yes, that's right. You don't _judge_!"

On Jim's face - there was wonder, hope, gratitude and deep affection. Something stirred inside Spock.

"You did not judge _me_ when I expressed my opinions about human celebrations." He pointed out logically.

"There is nothing anyone can say or judge you about. I have never met a kinder soul than you. If you were human, I would have hugged the life out of you right now." Jim replied fiercely and visibly restrained himself from reaching out to Spock. The human, whose every word pierced Spock's heart, turned his head back to watching the play of water and earth.

Spock dropped his gaze and did not say anything. He had failed earlier to point out that his rule about physical contact had an exception - Jim could touch him. Now it was too late, and Spock realized the error was going to cost him dearly. In the absence of the hug, which was mentioned, but preemptively taken away from him, his senses became acutely aware of the proximity of their bodies The way Jim's chest moved as he breathed, the flutter of the plaid shirt against his skin and he realized with a deep sorrow that the breeze was allowed to touch Jim, but not him.

They sat there until the horizon started darkening turning the sky into a deep magenta canvas. When he stole a glance sideways, he was transfixed by the profile awash in the setting sunlight, the human lips, the long eyelashes, the curve of a neck, the way a lock of hair fell on a forehead.

"Beautiful! Isn't it", came the whisper from his side.

"Indeed", replied Spock still looking at Jim, who seemed lost in the sunset, and Spock was unsure of which beauty he was referring to.


	18. Chapter 18

**Consequences**

A slight breeze blew providing welcome relief from the humid warm evening. Time trickled by filling his eyes and heart with the breathtaking view and the words which had been exchanged between didn't know how long he sat there. This extraordinary day was coming to an end and it felt like the wind and the sun and the skies were all aware of it and letting Jim know they were rejoicing with him. Without turning to Spock he murmured, "Beautiful isn't it?"

Through his peripheral vision he noticed Spock had a strange look, something Kirk hadn't seen before and the Vulcan replied in a low voice, "Indeed." Jim smiled internally at that response - there were limitless applications to that word and Spock used it in as many ways, yet he couldn't really accuse his friend for attempting to prevaricate.

Tonight that word seemed to take on a new whole new dimension - may be because of the almost husky voice Spock spoke in, or maybe it was in the way Spock's eyes burnt - suddenly that single word made Jim fluster. He didn't want this evening to ever end - it was surreal, just him and Spock in this corner of the world, but the adrenaline surge which had carried him throughout the afternoon and evening, finally seemed be running out. His body started feeling the beating it had taken today and he knew he would pass out if he didn't haul ass soon.

Getting up he tried to distract himself and hopefully Spock. "Do you know what that is?" He pointed at the structure in the distance.

"Negative."

"It's a fog horn - an old style weather warning device - used to signal the navigational hazard to boats in low visibility conditions, before modern technology rendered them obsolete."

"Fascinating." Spock was standing up as well and Jim noted the strange look was still present in those dark eyes, and also that his Vulcan friend had taken refuge in monosyllables.

Another wave of vertigo hit him and he nearly toppled off the edge, down into the crashing waves. Spock pulled him back by the front of his plaid shirt. Kirk found his balance with his heart pounding loudly against his rib cage. Spock's hand remained. He felt cool breath blow on his face, his eyes automatically closing in response and his heart threatened to leap out of his body all together.

Speechless, Jim felt like he was having an out of body experience - floating away - held in place only by the thread connecting him back to Earth through Spock's hold on his shirt. Time seemed to stand still and he was positive his heartbeat could be heard all over the mountain side and still the hand wouldn't let go!

He did not dare to look up into those pools of amber, there would be no coming back from _that,_ so he steadfastly kept his eyes closed, and fought to control his teenage human reactions.

The skies listened to his internal plea again and a big fat drop of water landed on his nose, jolting away the hand on his shirt.

* * *

It was a testament to his inner turmoil that he had forgotten about the gathering clouds and the first drop caught him unawares. Spock having grown up on a dry and hot planet strongly detested the sensation of wetness. In San Francisco, he had always stayed out of rain, planning his day precisely to avoid being caught outdoors.

As it started raining in earnest, he quickly darted back from the edge of the cliff to seek shelter under the trees. Water drops danced around him and fell from broad leaves splattering on the grass and bouncing off the rocks on the edge of the cliff. A pleasant and earthen smell enveloped him and he was enchanted by the whole spectacle from his vantage point. Then he noticed that Kirk had not moved; instead he stood in the downpour, his arms wide, eyes closed, face upturned and a smile rested on his lips as he let his body get soaked by the torrent.

Spock watched in fascination when the red and black shirt started to cling to Kirk's frame outlining every angle of the muscular lean body. His eyes followed a single drop which fell on one closed eyelid and then traveled down the long eyelashes, down a chiseled cheek, over the strong jaw line, past the dip where collarbones met and disappeared. He stopped himself, before his eyes could travel further down, and looked back up to see that Kirk had opened his eyes, squinting in the rain and was looking at him with an amused smile. His hair was plastered over his forehead and streams of raindrops ran down his face - an ethereal presence which seemed to pull Spock with the force of a thousand stars.

Spock's controls had never been tested like this day before. First, the nightmare of almost losing Jim, then the horror of discovering the note, and now the child like abandonment with which Jim was letting him see a most intimate side of him.

His mind and his very _katra_ were experiencing feelings he never knew he had. Most startlingly, never before had his body reacted this way. To _anyone_ , any _being_. Spock's need to touch Jim had won out once already, in the recovery room, and this longest day seemed determined to fracture all his remaining controls.

"It would be prudent of you to move away from the precipice."

Kirk lowered his arms and looked suspiciously at Spock. Then Jim took deliberate and slow steps towards him, till the wet human was meters away from the spot, where a very dry Vulcan was rooted to, beneath the tree he had taken shelter under. Spock was, for the first time in his life, unsure of what he would do if Jim came any closer.

He had read about rain in terran literature and found the interest and mystery attributed to it most dubious. He was not so sure anymore. In fact, he may be growing a new appreciation for it. Apparently, the release of condensation from atmosphere wreaked havoc, in humans and Vulcans alike. Or may just one Vulcan.

Looking directly into Spock's eyes, with a grin on his face, that did not bode well, Jim took one more step forward, bent his head slightly and ran his fingers through his wet hair in a vigorous manner. Water droplets sprayed everywhere and on Spock causing him to flinch back into the rough tree trunk, but there was nowhere to go.

He growled a warning " _Jim!_ ". This prompted peals of laughter and Spock knew he would be fighting a losing battle unless he came up with a new strategy.

Jim took another step forward. He looked exhausted but the challenge was written all over his sparkling eyes, and his lips were pressed into a mischievous smile. The sky behind Kirk, was putting on a last show of colors, as the sun reluctantly relinquished its control, silhouetting the falling rain.

"If you continue with the present course of action, there will be consequences."

"Oh! Is that a threat?"

"I do not threaten, Jim. I merely state facts."

"Is that so? Well Mr. Spock, you would find me a formidable enemy," replied Jim, delighted at the verbal duel.

"I am aware of that. The question is, are you aware of the reverse?" Spock replied in a low voice.

Jim swallowed but continued, "What kind of consequences are we talking about?"

"The kind where I carry you all the way from here to the cottage in my arms."

"What! No way can you do that," was the horrified response, but Spock's first experiment at emotional manipulation was a success, because Jim had taken a step back.

"I assure you I can and I have." Spock relaxed and leaned back on the bark of the tree. He crossed his arms across his chest and folded a leg on the tree trunk, in a second experiment to create the appearance of emotional security, using body language.

"You have?! I don't understand...when have you carried me like a...when?" Kirk was aghast.

"Today morning when you were unable to walk".

Jim closed his eyes. "Across the whole campus?...oh my God," and with a groan, he was out of Spock's space - the earlier course of action seemingly forgotten.

Muttering under his breath, Jim started walking up the slope in the dim light and called out behind his back, "You win this round. But you can't stay there all night hoping to keep dry Mr. Scaredy-cat. This rain won't stop soon. At least the worse is over, and it's really not that bad now. Let's go Spock."

Spock raised a brow but knew avoidance of the moisture was futile; also that Kirk was starting to look really fatigued and Dr. McCoy had prescribed rest, which so far he had avoided.

He would not have been averse to carrying the human again, he admitted to himself, but Jim was already walking up the mountain side, water sloshing with every determined step, his trousers clinging to his backside. So Spock pushed himself off the tree, stepped out into the rain and followed his companion into the twilight.

Because he knew now that he would follow Jim anywhere - into the unpleasant sensation of rain or into a black hole if needed.


	19. Chapter 19

**Free Fall**

Trigger Warning: PTSD/implied sexual abuse. Nothing graphic.

Jim pushed the door open and stumbled in, his wet clothes trailing water all over the beige carpet, and sat down tugging his soaked boots free. Spock followed in, filling the cottage air with petrichor. Smiling to himself at the smell, Jim found dry clothes from his backpack, and went to the bathroom to peel off the soaking wet ones he had on.

"I will change in the bathroom. You can change here."

The bathroom had a huge tub, enough to accommodate two, and right from the tub, one could see the vista through the floor to ceiling windows. Jim chuckled to himself at the thought - after the way the Vulcan had scurried away at a little rain - a tub was probably a form of punishment.

Exhaustion hit him in waves and he chastised himself for not taking a break sooner. He had not intended on ignoring McCoy's advice. he just got carried away by the place and the magic around him. Toweling himself with heavy arms, he had to sit down on the cool tiled floor, unable to stand anymore. He slipped into a light pajama set, sitting on the floor, working his legs one at a time, like a little boy. Then he tried to get up but a strong sensation of dizziness hit him and he slumped back further. His forehead hit the floor. The cool touch was a welcome relief. His mind started panicking and images from this morning flashed by - he was going to die! Again!

The dizziness and nausea intensified. His heart pounding, he started descending into his personal hell slowly.

The images from morning started clashing with new ones as his mind unearthed hidden memories - flashes of recollection from a violent time in his past - one he had worked so hard through years of therapy to bury.

"Spock!" He had meant to call out at the top of his lungs, but his voice came out barely audible even to himself.

Laboring to breath as he tried to get enough oxygen in, so he could try again, he fought against the blurring of reality into his worst nightmare. A minute went by or a month, he couldn't make out ...Jim realized with a startle that he was going in and out of consciousness. _This was not good. He couldn't pass out, not like this, they would get to him. He had to reach the cave._

His senses became hyper alert and he heard the soft scraping of feet coming towards him. _They had found him! After all the months of hiding, it was going to be all futile. Starvation had made him so weak he had collapsed before he could reach the cave and now he was helpless._

He lost all touch with reality and was free falling into madness now.

Cold fingers touched his wrist. _NO!NO! Pleasseee no! Not again...he had worked so hard to become strong, to never be weak again and now everything was going to be taken away from him._

A sob broke through his lips. Mercifully the hands groping him left his body.

In the momentary respite, fury replaced his fear and boiled in his blood till red hot rage flooded Jim's mind . _He was not going to let them win again - no, not this time, he was not fourteen anymore, no fucking way would they violate him again._ So, when he felt the probing cold fingers on him a second time, he was ready. Jim hissed like a wild animal and with lightning fast speed, he struck out viciously, determined to draw blood.

"Jim!" A low voice full of concern.

Jim froze. His confused mind slowly parted ways and let the voice carry all the way to his core,where it suddenly lighted up his entire being. The darkness receded. That voice - he knew it! It meant safety - it meant refuge.

He felt rivers of warmth pouring in from every direction in his mind, and he was no longer exposed to danger. The warm currents, shining like thousand golden threads, converged into a single glowing ball enveloping him. It carried him till he was safely inside his cave, and then, the entire cave burst with sparkling stars of gold and silver and …Jim was _home_.

He fluttered his eyes open. A slender body clothed in a navy blue robe was arched into a curve, kneeling down next to him and gentle eyes with infinite depths were looking at him.

"Oh," was all Jim could say but his mind completely cleared up. He was having a panic attack, he understood immediately, his training kicking in from his therapy days. He had thought he had learnt to identify the triggers but he had been caught unaware this time. He concentrated on relaxing himself for next several minutes. Bit by bit, his body followed his brain's commands, and he was out of the throes of the fear that had gripped him.

Spock was still looking at him, his gaze very soft, a tint of green on his lips and Jim realized with anguish he had hit his friend!

"I'm sorry...I am okay now. It was a panic attack."

Spock nodded and asked in a gentle voice "I must stabilize your body temperature. May I?"

Jim scrunched up his face in confusion and effort. "Spock?...I don't understand...I can't think straight."

A deep breath and then the voice murmured, "I am going transfer you to the bed Jim. Please."

Right! He suddenly remembered he was sprawled on the bathroom floor.

"I will not violate your privacy Jim. My shields are in place. Please do not stress yourself." Jim nodded and let go, trying to do as he was being told. Spock moved gracefully towards him, holding out both his arms slowly and when Jim didn't react negatively he was lifted up in those strong arms.

Spock carried him out of the bathroom and Jim instinctively turned his head and burrowed himself in the cool chest feeling very safe. Firm hands placed him on the soft and massive bed and covered him with a fluffy blanket tucking the sides till Jim was cocooned, adjusted his pillows till Jim's head was comfortably propped up and then left his body. Jim instantly panicked and clutched the retreating palm. "Stay! Don't leave me!"

"I will be back momentarily...I will not leave your side, Jim, please you _must_ relax." The voice was so full of reassurance that Jim trusted it without any more hesitation.

Spock went inside the bathroom and after a few seconds returned with a glass of water and sat next to Jim on the bed, silently holding the glass to his lips. Jim drank the offered water - it tasted salty and sweet - a corner of his mind dimly thanked Spock's resourcefulness for adding electrolytes.

"Thanks", he mumbled with a smile and his head rolled back onto the bed. A comm chirped with a second chirp coming simultaneously. Spock flipped his comm open and without looking at Kirk said, "It is Dr. McCoy, he has been concerned about the changes in your readings." Jim vaguely remembered the tracker on his ankle.

"I have assured him that you are being attended to." Spock replied to Jim's unspoken question and put the communicator aside and taking the empty glass with him rose again. This time Kirk felt stable and just watched his friend who went to a box lying on a table by the fireplace. To his surprise, Spock lifted out two long pointy instruments which looked suspiciously familiar!

Jim's eyes widened and in response Spock replied, "Dr. McCoy sent emergency supplies while we were outdoors.".

Gratitude filled him - he must have accumulated some cosmic level karma to deserve a friend like Bones.

Spock administered the two hypos and then came back with a bowl balanced on a plate.

"What's that?"

"Your dinner." Spock sat down next to him on the bed, and Jim looked up with a smile.

"Does my proximity upset you?"

"No." Jim was feeling better every second. "I am okay now."

"Allow me then...", and dipping a spoon into the clear broth like liquid, which smelled wonderfully of his favorite chicken noodle soup, the usually stoic, stern, formal Vulcan brought the spoon to his lips.

Without conscious thought, Jim's lips opened, and for the next several minutes, he was fed, and there were no words in the whole universe which could describe what Jim was feeling.

When a little bit escaped his mouth and started dribbling down his chin, Spock wiped it away with a napkin silently. They looked at each other the entire time, tears welled up in Jim's eyes at the sight of the split on his friend's lips, and when a single drop spilled over his cheek that too was wiped away gently.

Soup finished, Spock adjusted his pillows to lower his head and right on cue Jim let out a massive jaw cracking yawn. He couldn't help but chuckle and Spock's eyes crinkled with mirth as well - that small gesture did more to sooth away remaining tension than any words could have. Spock allowing him to find humor and joining Jim in it, despite everything that had just transpired, it was a priceless gift.

"One of the compounds in the hypos Dr. McCoy sent is a sedative."

"Awesome. I feel like I could sleep for a year."

"Rest well...Jim."

"Good night Spock." A sleepy smile stretched on his face. Wrapped securely in the blanket, his tummy full and with Spock still sitting by him Jim let himself slip away into the welcoming land of unconsciousness.

"Spock?" voice thick with sleep he reached out.

"Yes Jim?"

"Stay."

" _Abi'd'kam sa'le-esh-tor_ " and blackness enveloped him.

When Jim awoke, the room was dark and moonlight was flooding in from the windows. He noticed dimly that the rain had stopped outside. A figment of his nightmare swam around in his mind. He realized that's why he must have woken up, but it wasn't like most nights. He felt so much more peaceful. Looking down towards his feet, which were wrapped like a burrito, he noticed a Vulcan head resting on folded arms, few inches away on the bed. The rest of the body was seated in a chair, which had been pulled closed to the bed. Sleep took him back like a strong tide, but not before he had adjusted his legs inside his cocoon, and moved them till they touched the soft hair on the resting head. Jim slipped back peacefully into the night again.

The next time he awoke, bright sunlight was streaming in through the same windows. There was no Vulcan at the foot of the bed, so his eyes searched around, and found the straight-as-a-rod back standing next to the bookcase.

"Found anything interesting?" Jim piped.

Spock whirred around, his robe twirling a bit and regarded Jim with appraising eyes. Satisfied at whatever the appraisal was for, he replied, "I have finished two books so far. I was deciding on which to pick next. Did you sleep well?"

"What time is it? What day?" Jim raised his hands above his head and stretched.

"It is 4:40 PM Saturday."

"I slept for...20 something hours straight?!"

"20 hours 32 minutes 45 seconds. Dr. McCoy assures me this is a good sign."

Shaking his head, Jim kicked his legs free of the blanket. He did feel refreshed he admitted, and his stomach let him know, famished as well.

"How long did you sleep?"

"8 hours. For a Vulcan, that is extraordinarily long." Spock replied in his usual serious tone.

"Hmph! And what have you been up to since waking up?" Jim stood up and tested his balance. No dizziness, no vertigo...all systems clear so far. In fact, he felt great, like he was on top of the world.

"I meditated for 4 hours. The two books have taken 4 hours. Another 130 minutes were spent in sitting on the deck observing outdoors. 23 minutes for ablutions. 12 minutes partaking in morning meal-"

Jim raised a hand to stop Spock's monologue. "Got it! So that's good. You've not been bored?"

"Vulcans do not get bored." Spock looked all offended, as if someone had insulted his entire lineage.

Jim went to Spock and looked at the thin pink lips which were slightly swollen and had a greenish hue. The split was healing. He touched them with just the tip of a finger, very, very gently, and then dropped his hands. Jim winked at Spock, "You are a cutie, you know that?"

No response.

"I am starving. But first I must ...perform _ablutions,_ " Jim grinned and strode past Spock, who stood regal in his floor length robe, with his hands crossed behind him. The head had dropped slightly and a pair of dark eyes were studying the fibers of the carpet.

"Get ready, we are going out!" A last minute command was fired before the bathroom door swung shut.

 **Notes:**

 **Translation from Vulcan :**  
Abi'd'kam sa'le-esh-tor - until the day I die/until my last breath.


	20. Chapter 20

**Choices**

His breath slowly became calmer and softer as his mind focused and his meditation deepened. Concentrating on the in and out of his breath as it passed his nostrils, Spock shut out all other images and thoughts from his mind.

It was the first step in meditation - looking inward to find answers within you - revealing all the hidden dark spots. To search one's own inner world one needs a light, a calm and focused mind is like the tip of a laser beam - it can penetrate through all illusions and fantasies - creating a clear sculpture of the truth.

Spock cherished his Vulcan heritage - the gift of meditation and mind control - the art of finding truth in every waking moment and in every facet of existence was central to his personality. Without an impartial mind one floated like a dry leave in a stream, cast this way and that, dependent on the mood of the water which carried it. Spock strived to be the rock, around which the water flowed, both touching him and yet unable to direct its journey. A rock, which over the years took some of the water's attributes through erosion and the water in turn knew it always had to part around it. But most importantly the rock never gave up and its integrity changed the very shape of the river.

At age seven he had chosen the path of logic. To be in tune with himself, to understand the universe both outside and inside and to live a life governed by the observable truth. Science offered him tools to explore the reality outside of him, Vulcan logic gave him the ability to do so inside of him.

And yet emotions were inescapable - they were an immutable property of fully formed sentience. Surak had showed how one could understand emotions - accept them but not react. Reaction was a choice and every being, humans included, had a choice in how they reacted.

It was 0440 AM.

His meditation deepened as his mind quieted and he scanned his physical body for blocked emotions. Concentrating on those parts he unlocked each and by the last hour of his meditation he experienced full body flow. When he finally came out of his meditative trance, he was ready to process his thoughts from yesterday - his mind was calm, serene, alert and equanimous.

Spock opened his eyes slowly as his vision reoriented itself to the physical world he inhabited. The first sounds he registered were of a human breathing in a regular soothing rhythm. He rose from his mat, folded it and put it away. His internal chronometer and the bright sky outside told him that the night had ended while he was in his trance and it was 0830 AM now. Walking over to the bed he stood watching the sleeping form for some minutes. Dr. McCoy would have let him know if anything was amiss, the absence of communication meant positive change. This was reinforced by the tranquility he sensed in the air surrounding Jim.

Last night, he had called the inn's restaurant to let them know about his ill companion and that all meals were to be brought to their cottage until further notice. The slight knock on the door at 0845 AM was right on time and he opened to find a dark haired human female holding a covered tray for him. Spock took the tray from her and thanked her, as was the terran custom, and closed the door softly.

Taking the tray with him he walked across the room glancing at the bed one more time and stepped out into the private deck. The morning air was fresh after yesterday's cleansing rain though the comforting warmth of the preceding few days was gone. The familiar chillness which his system was still becoming accustomed to was back. Spock was wearing double layers of thermals underneath apart from his thick robe and he found the pleasantness of the open air and beautiful scenery outweighed any inconvenience due to the lower temperatures.

He sipped the soup, made of terran vegetables, it was an interesting taste, but not unpleasant. The vast blue expanse of water, called the Pacific Ocean, held his attention as he finished his soup - the abundance of moisture was something that even after two years Spock still found astounding. The green and blue was such a contrast to the brown and grey of Vulcan.

Spock's ears picked up sounds of movement from inside and he waited a few seconds to make sure Jim was not waking up. He wasn't - just an adjustment of position which he seemed to do every few hours. Spock was unsure if such restlessness in sleep was common to all humans or just specific to the tortured mind he had seen inside last night.

His breakfast over, he eyed the swing chair with interest and decided he wanted to experience this new seating. The swing creaked under his weight and then it started swaying gently - the motion surprisingly comforting to Spock who was deeply concerned with his actions from yesterday.

It had been an extraordinary year so far in his journey to become a Starfleet member and the reason for the unusual experience of this year was sleeping inside right now. Spock had been aware of his growing attachment to Cadet Kirk, but yesterday had revealed to him the depth of his attachment and it would be an understatement to say he was stunned.

Everything about the Cadet stood out to Spock - his physical attributes, his emotions and now his mind - which he had invaded in a moment of unbearable pain.

Spock had first become aware that something was wrong when he sensed distress emanating from the bathroom. He had been confused how this was possible without physical contact but he didn't have time to examine further because he had distinctly heard his name being called and it was laced with such agony that Spock had physically flinched. Upon entering the bathroom, an act in itself a gross violation of privacy, he had found Jim on the floor in extreme distress. Spock's blood had turned ice cold at the sight but it was not the physical condition of the Cadet which resulted in his shock, it was the agony he could sense rolling out into the air between them.

Spock had attempted to collect pulse but at his touch Jim recoiled as if his touch had burnt Jim. The contact had unleashed images of unimaginable monstrosity in Spock's mind. Reeling under the violence taking place in Jim's memories, Spock had been completely incapable of employing any restraint or logic. All he knew in that moment was that he _had_ to help the writhing human else he would himself burn in the pain. So Spock committed the crime of initiating a mind meld without permission.

What he saw happening to the young Jim of fourteen years old created cracks in his very _katra_ and sorrow and anguish like he had never known before had overwhelmed him. He had channeled with all his power into Jim's mind to bring the struggling human back from the darkness. And he had succeeded with alarming ease - his mind had found such easy acceptance in Jim's that Spock was unnerved. Never before had Spock felt such happiness as the moment when Jim's mind had accepted his help and it had accompanied Spock's back to safety. That moment had rocked Spock to the core - he had not known possible the joy of giving was greater than receiving.

What he had done was deeply shunned on Vulcan - a one sided mind-meld with an unaware partner was the worst kind of misuse of a Vulcan's most sacred power. Yet he had felt he had no choice. However, Surak had taught there was _always_ a choice - that moment between feeling an intense emotion and then _choosing_ to NOT react - was the crux of his teachings. He had failed in every possible way to uphold the teaching he held most dear to his heart.

And yet, he could not accept the alternative. He knew if he could time travel and get a second chance he would commit the exact same actions that he did first time.

Slight breeze blew across his face as the swing rocked him back and forth and the young morning grew older with each passing moment.

Why was his logic failing him when he was with Jim? Was this one human worthy of giving up his lifelong path, all his convictions, his deepest values - and if so, what then separated him from humans who could not be faulted for their emotionalism after all? Maybe the bullies in his childhood had been right all along, maybe he was in fact inferior to a full blooded Vulcan.

 _Who was he anymore?_

A blue feathered bird landed on the wooden railing of the deck - Western Scrub-Jay or Aphelocoma californica - Spock recognized and he looked fondly at the tiny marvel of nature. His swing had stopped and he was motionless, so he slowly extended his left hand out, his palms open and the bird cocked his head at Spock. Spock smiled at it with his eyes and it flew and sat on Spock's palm.

"Have the skies been kind to you today my friend?"

A couple more blue-jays arrived and settled around Spock's feet pecking at the deck's flooring and hopping around with the lightness that comes to beings with simple minds.

The one on his palm decided to explore upwards and one hop at a time climbed up the sleeve of his robe and settled on his shoulders.

"My ears? Aaahh yes...I come from a different nest old friend...one which I believe you would not find desirable...but still you and me, we understand the urge to fly."

His friend pecked him on the shoulder and then left him to go back to the railing. It cocked his head one last time in farewell and flew away along with his companions.

Spock raised his hand in goodwill and softly whispered "A human many centuries ago had said 'once you have tasted the taste of sky, you will forever look up' ".

The twenty two year old who had yet to find a nest to call his own, rose from the swing and went inside to explore the fascinating collection of books he had spotted yesterday. The answers he sought would not come in a day he knew, that realization didn't lessen the pain of internal conflict he faced though, but then again conflict had been his lifelong ally.

There was much to understand, much to explore and it all began with acceptance. Acceptance of his actions, his failings and his continued inability to tear away from the one who slept peacefully as the morning sun steadily climbed up.


	21. Chapter 21

**Surprise**

"We have dedicated transportation to and from the station. You will find it right outside the doors to your left as you exit."

"Cool. I had requested the supplies when I booked?" Jim was leaning with both elbows on the registration counter; he was munching on an apple he had picked from the lobby's center table. Spock stood straight as usual next to him listening keenly to the conversation.

"Yes, I have all your gear ready, right there, and here are your ride-n-dine tickets. If you leave right now you can catch the last departure for today." The gentleman at the reception desk handed Kirk two paper stubs.

"And for the return trip?"

"You don't need tickets, since the train is the only way to reach that campsite. Just be at the platform and you will be picked up. The train runs every 30 minutes from 6 in the morning till dusk."

They were standing in the lobby of their inn, both of them dressed in jeans, sweaters, jackets and boots.

"Thank you," replied Jim and went over to the bell stand where two rugged looking backpacks were waiting for them.

"May I enquire our destination?" Spock asked with caution.

"Nope! You may enquire nothing! It's a surprise." Jim grinned as he hoisted a backpack and Spock copied Jim's movements.

They walked out of the lobby, a second apple in Kirk's hands now. Jim was practically bouncing on his feet filled with excitement and Spock looked gravely concerned.

"I fail to understand why would you desire to withhold information from me."

"That's the fun."

"And what does the 'that' refer to?"

"The look on your face, your reaction."

A hovercraft waited for them floating above the ground by the entrance of the inn.

Jim climbed in, followed by Spock. There was another couple, older by a decade probably, already seated - both olive skinned - the woman was stunning with long smooth black hair almost to her knees, thick dark eyelashes framed her steel grey eyes. They were holding hands. She smiled up at Jim as he took a seat across.

"I am Jatalia." The man extended a hand to Jim, and indicating the woman who flashed a smile revealing perfect white teeth, said, "and this is my partner Pachuti."

"I am Kirk." Jim returned her smile with admiring eyes and was still smiling at her, when he heard a barely audible cough. He looked up at Spock "Oh, and this is Spock".

The Vulcan raised a silent eyebrow at Jim. Jim gave an imperceptible shrug and a sheepish smile spread across his face before he averted Spock's penetrating glare.

"Where are you boys from?" Jatalia asked good-naturedly.

"I am from Iowa and he is Vulcan. How about you both?"

"We are from the D453 colony on Mars, but our ancestors were from the Pathan region here on earth. We are visiting the home planet for the first time for our honeymoon. Do you live here now?"

"We actually live in San Francisco so it's a short drive." Kirk replied.

The woman spoke up for the first time, she had a throaty voice which had a mesmerizing quality to it, "San Francisco...my brother is studying there... are you students?"

Kirk nodded. She brightened up and leaned forward towards Jim, her eyes locked into him.

"My brother is a fourth year at the Academy. He had always wanted to be in StarFleet since he was a kid."

The hovercraft's doors closed automatically, it lifted off into the air and sped towards what Jim assumed must be the train station. For the next ten minutes as the silent craft carried them over the Mendocino coastline, they learnt that the couple was both related to StarFleet too. Jatalia was a space engineer for StarFleet's offshore design plant and when Spock learnt his specialization was warp core the two men launched into a discussion about the wonderful world of warp drive.

Pachuti was both a navigational programmer for Starfleet's branch on Mars as well as an interior designer for constitution class starships. Jim regaled Pachuti with childhood stories from Iowa which made her eyes sparkle with delight.

Soon they were deposited at a rustic looking long platform which looked straight out of a holovideo from 20th century. The evening sky was clear and there was just a hint of chill in the air.

An ear splitting whistle got all of their attention and Jim was thrilled to see a red and black old-style engine thundering towards them, complete with thick white steam bellowing from the top. Spock's eyes widened as the engine came to a stop in front of them. A large group debarked and within seconds the small platform was crowded with backpacks and travelers. There were open-air cars and few closed cars; the small group of people who had been waiting on the platform - all tourists - eagerly rushed to board their choice of cars.

Jim had his eye on one of the open cars - it was the fourth one - and he hurried towards it, not wanting to lose their seats. He found two perfect ones and looked back to see Spock's reaction, only to realize there was no Vulcan behind him. Kirk turned in a circle looking for his friend but the rest of the passengers were all strangers. He dumped his backpack on the chairs and stepped down back on to the platform among the milling crowd. Craning his neck both ways, he scanned the entire length of the station but there was no sign of a pair of pointed ears.

Getting concerned Jim started walking along the body of the train towards the engine, when a sharp noise rang out and he spotted a man hanging out from the side of the train, waving a flag and shouting something. In spite of his worry, Jim's face lit up at the sight of the conductor's hat and whistle, reminding him of his childhood storybooks. And then, he spotted an unmistakable tall figure hunched on the floor, next to the engine's huge wheels further ahead.

"Spock!" Jim shouted not expecting his voice to carry over the crowd and the loud thrum from the boiler but Spock immediately looked up and motioned with his hand.

Jim hurried towards the wheels while his eyes and ears took in the engine's wonderful details as it stood majestically on the tracks.

"What the he- what are you doing here?! I was looking all over for you!" He accused as soon as he reached his friend.

"Look Jim, look at this - it's a coupler and here, is the source of its power - cylinders!" Spock spoke almost reverently.

"Your friend here is quite an expert on this ancient system, Mister." Jim suddenly noticed another man kneeling besides Spock, and from his period dressing, he guessed it was the driver himself.

"I am sure he is." Jim replied, shaking his head at the scene of both men looking like children, who had discovered a long lost treasure.

"Lugio! What are you doing? Has something broken down?" The man whom Jim had seen hanging from the engine side, was walking towards them now.

"I was just explaining to this gentleman here the mechanics. Hardly anyone shows such interest in what lies under the engine. Everyone is always focused on the outside." Lugio, the driver, spoke wistfully.

"That's very romantic Lugio. But ummm...sir, you are holding up the train." This time he spoke to Spock, who was touching the nuts and bolts, oblivious to others. The platform had all but cleared and some of the passengers were peering from the windows looking at the four men huddled by the engine side.

"Sorry about that!" Jim apologized to the conductor and grasped the collar of Spock's black jacket and gave a strong tug. "Spock!"

Spock reluctantly got up and Jim dragged the Vulcan back to the open car while the conductor pushed his driver towards the front of the engine.

There was another ear-splitting whistle and with a rumble the train started moving.

"I confess I am most pleased with your surprise." Spock was seated next to Jim, their shoulders and knees touching lightly, while the train took them deeper into the green mountainside.

"Wait till you see the rest."

Spock's eyes glowed.

"No more engines though, that part is over!" Jim hastened to clarify.

Spock crossed his arms and if Jim didn't know any better, he would have bet that the pink lips twisted into a definite pout.

"You know what, next time I will take you to a museum entirely dedicated to steam engines. Deal? Now, give me a smile, pretty please?" Jim leaned and whispered to Spock.

Slanted eyebrows rose up and head tilted to one side, a stern look was directed at Jim. Jim winked back and to his surprise, the tips of two ears turned slightly green.

The journey took them along the Pacific coastline, the view of the ocean taking his breath away as the train chugged along, now and then, letting out the loud whistle which made Jim laugh like a boy. Cold breeze blew his hair and when he looked at Spock his heart did a little flip - Spock's perfect bangs were slightly messed up. His friend was busy looking all around at the picturesque surroundings and seemed content in spite of the cold breeze.

A man dressed in white overall with light blue stripes approached them and said, "You dinner is ready if you gentlemen will please accompany me."

Jim's stomach suddenly growled with a passion, letting him know how ravenous he was. They were led into a covered car which was obviously heated, its insides lined with tables along the perimeter, covered in elegant clothing and fine china. A single rose in a glass vase stood on each table.

The man took them to a table meant for two and Jim slid into the plush seat; Spock taking the one opposite him. "Anything to drink, sirs?"

"Just water will do." Jim replied. The last time he had drunk anything he had landed up in Bones' med bay.

"Do you have tea?" Spock inquired.

"We do, I apologize they are all terran. We have green tea from Japan, earl grey from England and Darjeeling tea from India."

After noting Spock's choice, he handed them two paper-bound menus and left.

Jim was relieved to see several vegetarian options on it, all of modern century and familiar. On an impulse, he decided to go vegetarian too. Orders placed, they both settled into the luxurious seats admiring the detailed decoration on the walls and roof of the dining car.

Spock took the rose from the crystalline vase and examined it closely.

"Do you like roses?" Jim was intrigued.

"It is my preferred choice in flowers."

"Really? I would not have guessed." Jim wondered if Spock knew of the human cultural significance of roses.

"Indeed."

When their dinner arrived, the sun had started setting and the view from their train's window had both of them transfixed. They ate in silence looking out the window, not wanting to miss any part. Jim stole a glance when he was sure Spock wasn't looking - the orange warm sunlight lit up Spock's profile from the side. The tips of his eyelashes caught in the dusky glow, his iris turned to a startling honey color as the light struck them, his bangs lay slightly crumpled - and Jim's breath caught. He had to look away before the sight overwhelmed him.

After an hour or so, they reached their destination station - inside Russian gulch state park - and disembarked under the now dark sky.

Jim opened his backpack and took out two flashlights and a bug spray bottle. He handed one flashlight to Spock who was watching Jim with a mix of alarm and curiosity, and then sprayed himself all over.

"Close your eyes." He instructed.

"I would ask you for an explanation but you seem determined to carry out this highly illogical notion of a surprise." Spock replied stiffly but closed his eyes obediently.

Kirk sprayed him from top to bottom circling around to make sure he hadn't missed a spot. _Who knew how Vulcan skin reacted to mosquito bites!_

"You got that right." Jim chuckled. "Don't tell me you are scared, Mr. Spock?"

"I am not experiencing fear, I am simply unprepared." A chin jut out adamantly.

"Uh-uh." Jim looked at the proud face which showed definite signs of panic.

"Okay we are all set." Taking out a map from his pocket, he started explaining ,"We are going to-" ,when he was interrupted by a familiar voice.

"Kirk! Looks like we are headed the same way."

It was Jatiala and Pachuti and they had another couple with them. Everyone got introduced to each other one more time and since they were all headed towards the remote campsite, they decided to hike together. Walking in a single file, with Jim leading since he seemed the most experienced in this aspect, and Spock following closely behind, the rest of them proceeded with flashlights illuminating the narrow trail. Outside the circle of bright light cast by the train station, the woods were pitch-dark but the trail was well marked and Jim had no trouble picking his way. It was a chatty bunch and conversations flowed back and forth as they covered the distance in half an hour.

A roaring camp fire greeted them when they finally approached a clearing. Jim was aware there were only four campsites in this area and he soon spotted the fourth couple sitting by the fire, the man had a musical instrument that looked a bit like a harp.

While the others got to know each other, Jim pulled Spock aside and spoke in a low voice, "We are going to spend the night out here. This is called camping."

Spock looked around at the others, at the dark jungle surrounding them, at the fire and asked with bewilderment, "I do not see any structure meant for shelter."

"No, in camping we sleep in tents...so what we do is we find a spot a little bit away from this common area...put up a tent and that will be our shelter for tonight."

Spock looked back at the small crowd which had now settled around the fire and someone had started singing a song. "A most interesting concept."

"Ummm...Good interesting or bad interesting?" Jim tried to read his friend's face but the only light coming from the fire was not enough.

"There is no such thing as good or bad interesting."

"Spock, do you _like_ it? Or are you uncomfortable and are thinking of ways to murder me for dragging you here?"

"Jim! I would never-" The Vulcan's eyebrows had disappeared in his bangs.

"Sorry, I was just being dramatic. Sooooo...do you like it or not?" Jim leaned in closer, hopping from one foot to another in anticipation.

"I have been experiencing a most unusual evening indeed."

"I will take that as a yes. Let's go and hang out with them for a while. It's too early anyways." Kirk turned around and started walking towards the fire where a few had started dancing.

But before he could take a step, Spock placed a hand on Jim's jacket's sleeve and held him back. With a serious expression, he asked, "Are you satisfied? Has your goal of 'surprise' been accomplished?"

Jim's face melted into a fond smile which stretched from ear to ear. "It was for you too, you know."

"I am beginning to understand that." Spock dropped his hand from Jim's elbow.

"Yes, my goal has been accomplished. But you don't have to pretend to like it for my sake. If anything starts bothering you, or you're too cold just let me know, okay?"

"Vulcans can regulate their body temperatures for prolonged periods."

Just then one of the men shouted, "Are you two planning to join us or spend the rest of the night whispering?"

They walked over and Jim joined in the dancing enthusiastically while Spock found a spot as close to the fire as possible and watched the others. Pachuti danced with graceful sensuous moves, which were no form of dance Kirk knew, but he found it beautiful nevertheless. Her partner Jatiala, the man with the instrument, and Spock were the only ones who didn't join them. The rest all stepped around the fire, clapping their hands in tune with the folksy song the man with the harp-like device sung in a melodious voice. Jim's eyes found Spock a few times and every time they were looking back at him intently.

Some of them were drinking passing along the bottle and Jim took a few swigs as well - feeling safe in the anonymity outside of Academy grounds and Spock being nearby. Sometime later, Jim took off his jacket and rolled his sleeves, the energetic dance had warmed him up. The tune changed into a slow song, the words were not standard but a foreign language but it made no difference. The atmosphere of dancing under the stars, on a cold night, with attractive cheerful strangers around a warm fire, transported him into a different world. Pachuti found him and swayed her hips to the tune and Jim responded in kind, both smiling at each other. Jim undid a top button of his shirt; his cheeks felt hot thanks to dancing for so long. Few of the others whistled and hooted at them both.

"It is too cold." A firm hand gripped his shoulder and pulled him away.

"What?" Jim was puzzled for a moment.

"Dr. McCoy has forbidden you vigorous activity." Spock was now holding him at the elbow firmly.

"But...it was actually slow dance now!" Jim protested.

" _James._ Bid farewell to them." A severe voice commanded.

"All right. It's late I guess." Jim was also feeling a little buzzed. So he picked up his backpack and said goodnight to others and his forced departure prompted a few chuckles he noted.

They walked some distance away till the light from the fire no longer reached them. Jim switched on his flashlight and wiping the sweat from his face, looked at the map he had brought with him. Spock leaned in. Jim put a finger on the map which showed the location of their private campsite. The moon was out in the clear sky and his eyes slowly adjusted to the silver light all around them. He glanced up to find the North Star and oriented himself according to the contents of the map. Satisfied with his bearings, he folded the paper and stuffed it back.

He was handed a bottle of water and Jim smiled back guiltily. Bones had commed him in the evening with dire warnings to keep hydrated. He guzzled down the entire contents and tightened the jacket around his waist. "Ready?"

Spock didn't say anything, instead long fingers reached out to the top of his shirt, and closed the single button.

Jim was suddenly on edge, the air around him felt charged; he tried but couldn't make out the expression on Spock's face in the dim moonlight.

"Are you ...ummm...is everything okay?" He actually stuttered when the fingers lingered on his shirt.

"Dancing is illogical." Spock replied in a tone which suddenly reminded Jim of that evening many weeks ago, when they had been studying together,and Valas had inturrupted . He was thoroughly confused.

The Vulcan turned around and was already making his way at a rather brisk pace so Jim hastened to keep up. When they reached the edge of the mountain side, where a sign clearly marked the campsite, Spock finally stopped his march.

"I will need your help putting up the tree tent." Jim said timidly, suddenly unsure of what was going in Spock's mind. He pulled out the folded tent from Spock's backpack.

For the next several minutes with Jim giving instructions, they found three strong trees, fastened three corners of their tent and it hung taut few feet above the ground. A rope ladder dangled from an opening in the middle down to the ground. Next, Jim took out bedding from his backpack and flung the entire thing through the hole onto the floor of the hanging tent. Spock had been silent all through the proceedings and Jim was nervous now.

"Spock?" he said hesitantly. "Are you mad at me? Is this ...is this...a bad idea?"

Spock blew a breath out softly and came and stood close to him. "I apologize for my behavior. I am not mad at you. Your idea is one of the best I have encountered."

"Okay then!" Jim was relieved and a grin spread out on his face. "Time to climb up but first I have to pee," he barely suppressed a sudden giggle.

Tilting his head to one side, he looked questioningly, but Spock replied serenely, "Vulcan bodies are designed to conserve water. We ingest and expel water minimally." The giggle could not be contained any longer and feeling like a little boy, who had just learnt an adult joke, Jim walked away to find a private enough spot.

* * *

 **Notes:**

FF won't let me post URL to the tree tent. if you are curious, google stingray tree tent.

It seems futuristic enough ;)

I would appreciate comments, if you are following this story. Thank you!


	22. Chapter 22

**First Night**

Spock watched Jim toss their backpacks into one corner of their triangle shaped hanging shelter. Next, the young man kicked off his boots, stepped on the rope ladder, and climbed with agility into the tree-tent. Then Jim proceeded to spread a layer of bedding on the floor of the tent, covering two of the other corners. Seeming satisfied with his work, Jim spread himself out on one side of the tent and covered up with the sheet. He then called out to Spock, "Your turn now," pointing to the remaining unoccupied side. Spock slid off his own boots, climbed up the rope ladder rungs, plopped down on the side as he was told, and began making himself comfortable.

However, the entire tent dipped on Spock's side as soon as his full weight was in it, causing Jim to helplessly slide down and slam whole body into him, followed by both of the backpacks.

Spock let out an involuntary yelp.

The night air reverberated with the sounds of a human's laughter, and though Spock was suddenly very aware of every inch of a warm body pressing against him, he had to concede that the current arrangement of their bodies was humorous.

Wiping tears from his eyes, Jim extracted his limbs from out of the tangled mess and said "So much for my planning! How did you manage to do that? You are all sticks and bones, I must be heavier than you for sure."

"Vulcans are denser than humans."

"Wow! You learn something new every day. Okay hold on, let me fix this...don't look all panicked like that." Kirk busied himself with rearranging the contents of their shelter, fighting gravity and trying not to roll into Spock simultaneously.

The final arrangement had Spock on one side of the tent, a section of the insulation bedding rolled into a long cylinder along Spock's body and Jim next to it, their bodies close but separated by Jim's makeshift bedding wall and their backpacks hung a safe distance away - down below the small hatch in the middle of the tent floor.

"Well, you'll have to make do with this...I know I'm invading your personal space like hell, but what's camping without a little stepping out of the comfort zone, huh?" A pair of eyes sparkled in the moonlight.

"This arrangement is adequate," Spock replied.

They lay quietly side by side, a giggle escaping from Jim's lips now and then, but that too died down; Spock's hearing adjusted to the silence, and he picked up the serenades of various nocturnal life forms around them. The sky was unspoiled by any light pollution from human civilization, and rich with stars. Spock traced several constellations. The thin layer of bedding Jim had brought was surprisingly warm; Spock was impressed at the degree of insulation it provided.

"What are you thinking?" a whisper enquired.

"I was cataloging the differences between the nights I have spent outdoors at our Academy, and our present location. There is - something quite fascinating - about sleeping in nature."

"Yup. I have missed it."

Spock turned his head towards Jim and studied his profile. Jim was looking up at the night sky, and seemed lost in his thoughts.

"What are you thinking?" Spock mimicked the human phrase.

"I am thinking how do I tell you that I am hungry and my snack bar is in the backpack and getting to it will require another round of tent war." Jim turned to Spock, his white teeth flashing in the darkness.

"The danger is indeed serious. However, I believe if we work in tandem the solution may be simpler than we fear," Spock replied solemnly.

"An excellent suggestion, Cadet Spock. Proceed."

Spock adjusted his body position to offset Jim's movements, and Jim managed to access the backpack without any incident, successfully finding the prized snack bar.

Back to their original positions after couple more minutes of elaborate twisting in mid-air, Jim was happily taking mouthfuls of his bar.

"We make a good team, don't we Spock?" he mused between bites.

"Yes, Jim." Spock couldn't keep his voice from being colored with the warmth and affection he felt towards the Cadet who had inexplicably chosen _him_ in spite of the hundred other choices available, to take on a journey which Spock was beginning to just realize, was going alter his future.

"Spock how come you don't get hungry? You don't eat, you don't drink, don't pee, don't sleep...how can you survive like that?" a pair of eyebrows were scrunched up in concentration as Jim pointed out the anomalies.

"I do all of those but on a lesser scale than humans. I am after all a different species Jim."

"True...I forget that sometimes. It's so easy to be with you."

"I believe you may be the first one to come to that conclusion." Spock replied keeping his eyes on the stars visible through the opening between the trees.

The snack bar finished, and now with renewed energy Kirk flipped onto his stomach and positioned his chin on his knuckles, his elbows resting on the tent floor.

"What do you mean? You are like the most chill dude I have ever met."

Spock was silent for some time. Finally he said, "On Vulcan I was ...considered...difficult. I did not fully understand my peers or...my family."

"Do you miss them? Your family?" Jim's voice was gentle.

"Missing someone is a human emotion. So no, I do not miss them."

"Not even your mom?"

Spock was silent again. _He thought of Amanda often. He wasn't sure if that was classified as missing her. Even if it was, admitting such a human weakness was hard._ So Spock kept quiet.

"Sorry, I didn't mean to pry. I just sometimes...worry about you. You must feel lonely, being the only Vulcan. And I worry that there is no one to take care of you."

Spock's heart twisted at the words and the care that laced them.

"Your concern is misplaced. It is _your_ well-being that I am deeply concerned about."

"Why?!"

Spock considered how to broach the topic he had wanted to bring up since the moment he had found the note covered in blood.

"It is clear that someone or some ones in the Academy are determined to inflict harm upon you. Your very existence has been targeted with alarming efficiency. I have been trying to find out the identity of the culprit, however it requires you..."

 _"_ It's none of your business! _"_ Jim snapped at him.

"Jim?" Spock was taken aback.

"You keep your nose out of my personal affairs. Do you understand?" the human spoke viciously.

Spock was stunned at Jim's angry tone. He had never heard the Cadet speak to him in such a manner. True, he had no claim on the Cadet but how could Jim not realize that his life was in jeopardy?

He tried one more time. "It is my duty to ...keep you safe."

"Bullshit! Your duty is to stop messing in my private matters. I can take care of myself. I don't need you poking around trying to ID anyone. Have I made myself clear?" The voice was flat and cold. There was no question what Jim wanted.

Spock was overcome with the same emotion he had felt all his childhood every time his father had shunned him or refused to acknowledge his regard. He retreated into himself and fought to bring his feelings under control.

The silence settled like a heavy cloak on them. And then his senses picked up the waves of sentiments pouring out of Jim - anguish, sorrow, guilt and most powerful of them all - fierce protectiveness. To Spock's surprise and complete puzzlement, there was no anger or resentment emanating from the human, yet the words he had spoken were clearly filled with ire.

Jim collapsed from his propped up pose and buried his face into this bent arms.

Spock was torn - how had his offer to help ended up causing Jim such distress? He was slowly coming to the realization that he could tolerate humiliation from his peers, rejection from Sarek, abandonment from his community, ridicule from humans - they were all difficult to process but still he had found himself capable of tolerating them - but the one thing he absolutely could not stand was seeing Jim in pain. And to know that _he_ was somehow the cause of this pain - Spock was in agony. He didn't know what to do, what to say - contrary to what Kirk believed - Spock was clearly _not_ easy to get along. He had no clue how to comfort his human, how to mend the rift which had spawned between them.

"Spock?" a muffled voice spoke from the depths of crumpled fabric.

"I am here." he hoped it was the correct reply. He did not want the anger to return.

"What are you thinking?" the face was still hidden.

"My thoughts are in disarray." Spock decided to stick with honesty. It was all he had.

"Mine too." A head full of disheveled hair finally raised itself and a pair of eyes regarded him from beneath long eyelashes. The white collared shirt Jim wore caught the moonlight and reflected back. Long shadows played on the face which had haunted Spock's dreams for weeks now. But even in the darkness Spock could make out a slight flush of red on the pale cheeks and the slightly unfocused look in the human eyes.

"You are _beautiful._ " Jim breathed.

This was not at all what Spock had expected and he was thrown back in the abyss of confusing human behavior; terrified of the way this one human being undid all of Spock's defenses and rendered him completely vulnerable. He was, he realized, at the mercy of the dynamic and volatile mind that inhabited James T. Kirk.

The intensity of anguish and sorrow he had felt earlier coming from Jim was lessening. So Spock continued taking refuge in facts.

"You are under the influence of human intoxicants," he replied.

A small smile curved on the youthful face and Spock let out a breath he didn't know he was holding.

"May be I am. A little bit, yeah. Do you think being drunk changes one's perception of beauty?" The smile lingered.

"I am unaware of the effects of intoxication."

"Oh? Vulcans don't get drunk?" a spark of curiosity lit those eyes which held Spock captive.

"Negative."

Jim pursed his lips and whistled softly. "That is ... _fascinating,_ Mr. Spock! I have to find out what can get you tipsy."

The air around Jim was calm now. Spock could not sense any more of Jim's emotions. Vulcans were touch telepaths but Spock realized with surprise that he could sometimes read Jim's emotions even when not in direct physical contact. And tonight was not the first time either. He recalled that, on the night of Jim's panic attack Spock had detected the young man's fear even before he had heard his name called. Spock had never experienced telepathy without physical contact but apparently he did with Jim - at least when his human was suffering.

He took courage from his new found telepathic abilities and ventured outside fact-speak.

"Why would you desire to endeavor such a course of action?" Spock asked.

"To see you drunk?" Jim chuckled, his good mood restored. "Who can resist opening a Pandora's Box?"

Spock raised an eyebrow at that. "May I remind you that the box in question is purported to harbor evils?"

"Yup. I want to see the evil, unhinged, uninhibited Spock."

The Vulcan had no answer to that.

* * *

Jim was starting to feel sleepy. The moon was directly above them now. They had been companionably talking non-stop for hours, the conversations ranging from Astrophysics, to Vulcan teas, to issues facing space exploration, to their new friends from today's evening. Spock seemed to have recovered from the hurt Jim knew he had no doubt inflicted. But it had to be done, and he was relieved to see that Vulcans didn't hold grudges.

"What is a honey-moon?" Spock was in full inquisition mode. As the night wore on, his questions had become more daring.

"Oh...hmm. You picked that up? It's a kinda vacation you take after you get married. You know, supposedly your first time together." Jim had rolled over to face Spock who was staring through the tent's mesh roof and had his fingers steepled on his chest. _Forever the scientist_ , Jim thought fondly.

"Interesting behavior for a bonded pair."

"Bonded?" Jim flipped onto his stomach again and propped himself on his elbows trying to fight sleep.

"There is no translation to Standard. Loosely speaking, the Vulcan equivalent for the lifelong commitment you term as marriage."

"I'm not sure if marriage implies lifelong automatically...I mean sure...ideally everyone would like that, but a lot of couples end up separating."

Spock raised an eyebrow at this revelation.

"Are all Vulcan marriages, I mean bondings, permanent?" Jim was curious.

"Yes." Spock hesitated. "Outworlders may not understand the bond, but in simple terms it is the merging of two minds and souls."

"That sounds intense."

"What are your plans on marriage?"

Kirk cringed."Spock!...I am nineteen! At my age, we don't think about such stuff. We are more interested in...exploring."

"How do humans explore?" Spock seemed determined to get to the bottom of this!

"Well...we usually date. We have different relationships, some end well, some don't. In the process, we are supposed to figure out who we are and what do we want."

"Have you dated?"

Kirk started blushing and looked down at his clasped hands. "A couple of times in the past, yeah. I am guessing Vulcans don't date?"

"Negative. Are you currently dating?"

"Huh? Of course not! I mean you would know, right?"

"Would I?" Spock sounded worried.

"Yes!" _What kind of questions were these!_

"Why are you not dating, if your personal growth is dependent upon it?"

"I have no idea," Jim mumbled.

The Vulcan paused and seemed to think over Jim's answer for few moments. Just when Jim thought Spock was done, his friend restarted his interrogation.

"Are all the pairs we encountered earlier...married?"

"May be, may be not. But they are couples, I believe." Jim replied.

"Are we?"

Jim dropped his head and buried his face in the bedding. The danger with Vulcans on a quest for knowledge was they truly had no idea of when to stop.

Spock fell silent. Several minutes passed. Jim almost fell asleep.

"Have I caused you distress?"

Jim let out a long sigh, and without looking up, said "You never cause me distress. So don't say that again. The thing...is...I don't know what we are, Spock. May be it's friendship...at least for me it is. Sometimes, it feels like we are almost tied by some invisible... _force._ Like we are long lost brothers or something. But yeah, you being Vulcan rules that out for sure."

Kirk looked up with sleepy eyes and couldn't help but notice the scar on the pink lips. Studying the scar he drowsily continued, "I think of you as my North Star. You keep me grounded. No matter what else is going on in my life, I can count on you. I know Vulcans don't do friends so I don't know then ...what am I to you? "

Jim reached out and touched the scar with the tip of his thumb, it was healing but the sight of it brought him deep sorrow. "I don't want to know how I did that to you. I don't remember anything except that I passed out on the bathroom floor, and next thing I know I was on the bed being tucked in by you. I know I have issues. I don't know what I said and what you heard but...Well, you are still here with me..." Softly he added "I am sorry I hit you though. I am so, so sorry."

Still looking down at the scar, his finger strayed and started tracing the skin next to the green spot - the skin felt soft and slightly cool. His thumb brushed the lower lip and then started on the upper one. Spock's lips slowly parted open under Jim's touch and the dark eyes closed. Desire flooded him. Jim shifted his gaze from the open mouth to the delicately tinted eyelids. When Spock opened his eyes again, the dark pupils had fully dilated and were staring at him unblinking. Jim froze.

For an instant all Jim could think of was a predator stalking his prey. Then he jerked back his hand instinctively, caught in the smoldering stare, completely unnerved by the intensity of the alien look coming from Spock.

He broke eye contact and glanced down at his hands. The tip of his thumb which had touched Spock tingled slightly. His heart was hammering against his chest - some primal fear had awakened in him in response to the reminder of how little he knew about Spock; at the same time a shock of thrill ran down his spine at the thought of him lying so close with this exotic being - alone in the dark jungle.

"Jim, do not fear me. I will never harm you." Spock's voice was quiet and when Jim looked up to find those eyes again, they had returned to the characteristic calm brooding state. There was a hint of pain in them.

"I don't fear you...Even when my body reacts differently, I have never feared you. Sometimes I wonder why, because even when I knew nothing about you, I trusted you from the moment we met. I would bet my _life on you_ Spock."

The pain dulled a bit in Spock's eyes.

"Vulcans do not gamble, but if they did, I would say the same about you." There was that tiny change in expression which only Jim could read. Spock was teasing Jim, probably in an attempt to calm down his nerves and he chuckled at the sudden thought of Vulcans standing grim faced in a casino.

"You didn't answer my question." Jim reminded him. Spock didn't reply immediately.

Jim's heart slowly recovered from the effects of the earlier adrenaline spike, his eye lids grew heavy and he settled down with his head tucked next to Spock's shoulder.

"You are my _las'hark,_ " a voice full of warmth caressed him.

Sleep finally won out; He was too muddled to ask what the word meant, but the sound of his friend's foreign language soothed him further. Before his consciousness was swept away, he extended the hand he had pulled back minutes earlier across the bulge of fabric separating them and lay it against Spock's side - where a Vulcan heart beat - and fell asleep like that.

* * *

 **Notes:**

 **Translation from Vulcan:**

las'hark - name for Vulcan's sun.


	23. Chapter 23

**NOTE: I posted two chapters. Please make sure you read chapter 22 before reading this!**

* * *

 **Leonard's concern**

Spock stood on the edge of the mountain side of their campsite as dawn broke over the distant horizon, his hands behind his back. He had not slept for a single second last night. Instead, he had committed to memory the touch of a human palm as it had laid on his heart.

Two days ago, Spock had agreed to accompany Cadet Kirk, not knowing where he was going. And now he did not want to leave. Soon it would be morning, and Jim would wake up and it would be time to return to their lives as StarFleet cadets. They would resume their roles, devote themselves to their training, and pursue a way of life which required sacrifice of the highest order.

Spock, son of Sarek, the first Vulcan to join and undergo StarFleet Academy training on a command track, did not have the luxury to let his heart dictate his actions. He was betrothed to T'Pring, lest he forget. He was also an instructor, and Cadet Kirk was his student. His conduct on Earth would dictate how humankind would view future Vulcans wanting to train alongside humans in the Academy. If he succeeded, he would be the first to serve as an officer on an integrated starship. His actions would set a precedent for young Vulcans on his home planet who dreamt of a path different than their ancestors. He would either bring shame to his race, his family, his home planet, or he would clear the path for the two planets to accept each other's youth and change StarFleet's Charter forever. His personal needs could not be greater than his duties.

Jim was like a bright star. His life was just beginning, and if there was one thing Spock's intelligence and observation had concluded, it was this - James T. Kirk would go on become one of the brightest stars in StarFleet. In spite of the youngster's immense maturity, Spock had to remember a human male of nineteen was still a child. A child of the human world.

And Spock would always be a child of two worlds. This was his path. From the day he was born, he had always walked alone.

They were going to be public figures and their personal lives were going to be intertwined with their professional lives. Spock realized with a pang of sorrow that their paths could not cross; their worlds could not coexist, on any planet or in any society.

He had watched many sunrises in his life. Eridani and Sol both had their own beauty. But never before had the morning sun found him standing on the crossroads of his life like this, knowing that the Spock who had arrived here two days ago, was not the same who would be leaving. As long as he would breathe, he would yearn for the touch of a human with a heart so big, and passion so radiant, it rivaled any sun.

Jim affected him in a way that he had not experienced before. He had never desired anyone. When Jim had touched him in the tent, his body had reacted without him being able to control it. The centuries old Vulcan instincts had come alive in his eyes, if only for a moment. Spock had been able to put a leash on his hunger but in those few seconds he had seen naked fear on Jim's face; and he had felt the human's alarm through the touch of Jim's fingers on his lips. Spock was used to being rejected when he showed his true emotions.

If what Spock had seen in Jim's memories during the mind meld was any indication, his human had every right to be frightened. But then, Jim had gone ahead and tossed his fear aside like a rag. He had fallen asleep next to Spock anyway; laying a warm hand on his Vulcan heart, in a gesture that moved Spock profoundly. Instead of pulling away at Spock's display of raw instincts, Jim had simply accepted them.

As long as his _katra_ lived, he would remember this first innocent night with a man, who showed Spock, what it truly meant, to trust someone.

"What are you doing standing there?" Jim called out from inside their cottage. It was afternoon, and they were about to leave their cottage to head back to San Francisco. Jim had somehow managed to spread his possessions all over the cottage, in spite of them spending hardly one full day in it. Right now he was hunting for a lost sock.

Spock was standing on their cottage's private deck, looking at the trees swaying the wind. He took a last look at the rocky cliff below, where they had sat two days earlier; at the tree where he had taken shelter from the rain; at the spot where Jim had stood soaking and had awoken the beast in Spock. He committed all these to memory. In his right palm, he held the metal key to the cottage door, a reminder of what these two days had meant to Spock. He silently slipped the key into his pocket, and then stepped inside with a calm face betraying nothing.

"Let's go. The hovercraft must be waiting." Jim was ready with his bag on his shoulders.

Spock picked up his own bag, and together they crossed the threshold and closed the door behind them.

Leonard watched his two breakfast companions. The Vulcan was silent and brooding, but that was no surprise. Though he did seem even more silent than usual. But Jim? What could be up with him? Leonard couldn't put a finger on it, and that bothered him. Kirk's body had healed up, one of the many perks of youth. But it was not his physical health that McCoy worried about.

Sometime after they had first met, Jim had requested McCoy be made his primary care physician, and so he had read up on Jim's file. Beneath that handsome exterior, the boy hid some dark secrets. His file was flagged with PTSD, rape, eating disorder, trauma and severe depression in the past. All of those occurred over a period of two years.

Curiously though, the details regarding those years were sealed. When Leonard had requested clearance to access this,he had been firmly told by StarFleet that Kirk had been cleared and deemed emotionally healthy by multiple authorities. Access to Jim's past was apparently above Lenoard's pay grade, and he should let it go.

That didn't stop Leonard from worrying. With such a history, a man could be expected to give up on life. Remarkably, Jim had not. One of the biggest issues faced by such victims was an inability to trust again. But Jim seemed, if anything, _too_ trusting, considering he had picked up the lone Vulcan in the entire Academy. May be it was his youth, or may be that's who he was.

It took a special person, an immensely very brave soul, to keep having faith in humanity, and this alone had earned Jim, McCoy's highest respect. Combine that with the hard work, brilliance and good humor - McCoy knew he had stumbled upon an uncut diamond, though he would never say that to the teenager's face. Theirs was a friendship disguised under witty insults and sarcastic banter.

So when the first panic attack had happened, Leonard had been extremely concerned. As the days progressed into weeks, Jim had shown all the signs and symptoms of falling into depression. As his doctor, McCoy was almost convinced to call him for a psych eval. But then Jim had recovered. It didn't escape McCoy that his remission coincided with the weekend when his young friend had taken a day long hike with the Vulcan.

This second attack had been near-fatal. With any other patient, McCoy would never have allowed him to go off to a remote vacation spot so soon after, with a stiff lipped alien. But he had grudgingly accepted that Jim and Spock had formed a unique friendship, and so he had allowed it. He thought he had done the right thing. The first day they had shown up after the break - Jim looked healthy and positively radiated happiness.

However, as he watched the two interact right now, he distinctly felt something had changed. At first he hadn't noticed. Hell, he had far more pressing matters to think about. But by the third day, he was forced to realize that Spock had started leaving their table before, McCoy was done eating. It was probably nothing. After all, the infamous Vulcan was juggling an impossible study load coupled, with teaching duties. But his eyes caught the way Jim's face fell every time Spock left. Slowly, Jim's good mood was evaporating and this had McCoy losing sleep again. But Jim wouldn't talk, and there was nothing medically wrong with him, so really, Leonard was left fiddling his thumbs.

It had been nine days now, since the green blooded hobgoblin had started acting mysteriously. Today, as Spock stood up, barely spending ten minutes with them, and uttered his usual formal parting words, Jim's eyes had flickered for a moment with that same pained expression. McCoy made up his mind.

 _Dammit_! He would have to talk to the poker face Vulcan, if he was going to be such an important part of Jim's life. Well, the Vulcan _had_ shown impressive loyalty. McCoy suspected that Spock probably cared as much about Jim, as he himself did, but the Vulcan would never admit it, of course. He probably had no clue that his recent aloofness was causing Jim distress. Leonard sighed.

After the breakfast, while he walked back to the medical building for his first shift, he commed Spock.

" _I would like to talk to you about Jim. Please drop by when you have few minutes."_

The reply was immediate.

" _I will see you at 1430 today, Doctor."_

Later that afternoon, Leonard was busy finishing up patient charts at his terminal in the doctor's lounge, when a knock announced Spock's arrival at precisely 1430. McCoy wondered if Spock had been waiting outside, till the time was exactly right to knock. He wouldn't put it past the crazy Vulcan.

"Come in, Mr. Spock" he drawled, and logged off from his screen.

There was no one else in the lounge at the moment, so he could talk here in privacy.

The tall slim Cadet stepped in and stood rigidly.

"Have a seat." McCoy gestured with his hands and Spock sat down on the edge of the seat, his back erect.

McCoy had never been good at small talk, and he wasn't going to attempt it now with a species famous for their lack of that very skill. So, he went right to the point.

"What do you know about PTSD, Mr. Spock?"

One of the slanted eyebrows went up. "I believe you had summoned me to discuss Cadet Kirk, Doctor?"

"Humor me, Spock" Leonard intoned.

"It is a mental disorder affecting humanoids that can develop after a person is exposed to a traumatic event, such as sexual assault, warfare, space accidents, or other threats on a person's life."

"Exactly." McCoy leaned his elbows on the desk and clasped his hands. He continued, "Now, _theoretically_ speaking, suppose a young man, a brilliant and brave guy, is exposed to such events, specifically rape and warfare, at a very young age. But the circumstances which were responsible for these crimes are later resolved. He receives timely intervention and all is good. Now in such a case, it is possible that he would recover, and go on to live a highly functioning life. He may not forget, but he can learn to live with it and not be crippled by it."

Spock was listening intently.

So, McCoy continued, "However, let's say, years later something were to happen - maybe an attempt on the young man's life - how do you think the man's psyche would react?"

"His symptoms could resurface." Spock replied slowly.

McCoy nodded in agreement. "Now if the young man also had the misfortune of having no family to speak of, this would place him in a very vulnerable position. So if I were such a youngster's friend, I would be _very_ careful. I would make sure not to act or say anything which could potentially trigger my friend. Are you with me so far, Mr. Spock?"

Spock was silent and McCoy studied him. The Vulcan was extremely intelligent of course, but McCoy was not sure if his roundabout way of speaking would escape the very literal Spock. His fears were proven wrong, when Spock spoke next. "Yes. Thank you Doctor."

"What would his triggers look like?" Spock asked.

"Everyone is different. It depends entirely on the individual. In this hypothetical case, though the war may have stopped, the other factor - sexual assault - is not as easy to handle. He may interpret the smallest of gestures, as rejection. Or he may go on to develop unhealthy sexual habits as a way to cope. Or, he may develop a particular fear only of men but not women. Hard to say. Some victims feel guilty for even sexually desiring someone. PTSD is a tricky disorder Mr. Spock. It can come back to bite your ass in ways you never expect." McCoy leaned back in his chair.

"I see." Spock looked paler, if that was possible.

"But that's not really the point. My take home message is - his _friends_ have to tread carefully around his emotions, till the youngster is out of the woods."

Spock nodded, and stood up.

"Was there anything else you wished to discuss, Doctor?" he asked.

"How is Jim?"

"You are better qualified than me to answer that."

"I don't deny that, but I am asking _you,_ Spock, how is Jim? _"_ McCoy pointed a finger.

Spock hesitated and then replied, "Cadet Kirk seems to be recovering well."

"Let's hope it keeps that way, and this lunatic is apprehended. Jim is an exceptionally strong man but he needs us right now." McCoy was already turning back towards his terminal.

The Vulcan turned, and smartly walked out of the doctors' lounge.


	24. Chapter 24

**Honor**

"My brain is fried!" Jim declared and threw up his hands dramatically in the air.

Spock looked up at him with an eyebrow raised, rested his pen on the paper and leaned back on his chair with an air of resignation. The table was covered with notes and diagrams and their PADDs. They had been working at their joint report for last four hours straight, in their reserved room, this time in the library.

Their report was almost ready, but the final touches were proving to be tedious.

Jim looked at Spock with a smile on his face. He had been feeling something was off lately, and it was eating away at him. Ever since they had been back from their trip, Spock seemed distant. It bothered Jim that he was being so sensitive about it. He tried to tell himself that it was all his imagination, but Jim had felt sick - physically sick - on the days when he had hardly seen Spock, except their short breakfasts. Bones had forbidden any morning runs so that his body would have a chance to recover completely.

It was the beginning of October and the quarter was coming to a wrap. The study load was insane.

But right now, he couldn't remember why he had been so worried. Just being next to Spock for the last four hours, in addition to sitting in his lecture today morning, made Jim feel whole again. In spite of this having been a long day, he felt thoroughly energized.

Spock was in black, not the usual red cadet uniform. Jim was proud of himself that he had been able to work with complete concentration the last few hours- because _that_ black uniform on Spock - a lesser man would not have survived. In fact he was sure it would be the death of him one day! Jim ran a finger through his hair; his cap was on the table. He sighed contently. Spock of course, was a picture of formality in a public place like a library, not a hair was out of place.

"Does your brain ever give up, Spock?" he asked, already knowing the answer.

"Negative. Yours does not either, since you would cease living, if such an event were to occur." Spock replied deadpan.

"I disagree. Mine absolutely gives up from time to time, like now, and all I can think of is a comfy soft bed calling to me." Jim insisted with a teasing smile.

"Inanimate objects do not 'call' -" Spock had started, but Kirk cut him off.

"Oh yes they do, Mr. Spock! Most certainly they do! Haven't you experienced the siren call of a scoop of ice cream topped with hot fudge on a hot summer day? Or the call of -"

This time Spock cut him off with a tiny sigh, which is as close as Vulcans came towards expressing exasperation.

 _Bingo!_ Jim was even more proud of himself for driving Spock up the wall. It was his favorite past time, when he needed a break from the intense workload and stress he was under.

"I win!" he said triumphantly, and got up to stretch his torso, to the extent it would let him.

"Your behavior, when your brain is "fried", is most illogical." Spock said with dignity.

"Ahhh, Mr. Spock, but you secretly love it, I know it. What fun would I be to you, if I was as logical as you?" Jim replied with a huge grin. This was their private way of communication - a dance almost - and Jim enjoyed their bantering. He knew Spock enjoyed it too, else he would not be still sitting here. That made it more endearing.

Jim suddenly stopped extending his limbs, and pointed an accusing finger at Spock. "Wait a minute! Spock have you actually ever eaten an ice cream? The real thing?"

"I have not, and do not plan to."

"How can you call yourself a good scientist, if you declare the results without even conducting the experiment?" Jim spoke in a serious voice.

Spock straightened up from his semi-reclined pose. His scientific skills were being challenged, and Jim knew Spock could never let that go. _Bingo again!_ Jim was on a roll tonight.

"What experiment are you referring to?" Spock asked cautiously.

"I hypothesize that a hot fudge sundae can indeed call your name."

Before Spock could protest, Jim pressed on, "I propose, that like a good scientist, you should first indulge in real ice cream without bias, and afterwards draw conclusions about the power of said inanimate object."

"And how do you propose this experiment be conducted?" Spock knew he had been cornered.

"Well, to find the real thing, we would have to leave Academy. So….I would say …." and then a brilliant idea struck Jim. He continued with excitement, "in Idaho!"

"Idaho?" Spock was puzzled.

"Yup! Right from the source. Nothing less than fresh made ice cream will suffice. After all, the reputation of the human species is at stake here, Mr. Spock. No Vulcan should ever be able to say, that they did not experience the finest of what Earth has to offer." Jim was enjoying himself immensely as he saw Spock was truly confused now.

"What is in Idaho?"

"My uncle's cabin and farm, my childhood summer home. I want to take you there someday. Will you come?" Jim's tone was earnest now.

"To conduct this experiment?"

"And to show you the mountains, the fields, the cows, the horses, the stars in dark skies…," Jim's words became wistful, as his gaze went to a place far away.

Spock fell silent.

The Vulcan rose from his chair and started gathering up his notes and PADD. Jim did the same, glancing surreptitiously at Spock the entire time. He put on his red cadet cap back on and they both exited the library building together. It was late evening outside, the sun had already set but the last vestiges of its light lingered in the western horizon. Other Cadets were walking around, some hurrying to their next destination, some lounging on the green grass.

"It will be my honor." Spock finally replied, his expression inscrutable.

"I promise to take you, then," Jim said, but wondering if it was out of politeness that his friend had agreed.

Jim thought of his uncle's cabin and the farm in Idaho, absent mindedly walking with Spock. The family farm and the little cabin on the mountains were his now, with both his parents gone, and Sam not intending to return to Earth. It was too big for a single person, but Jim didn't plan to sell it off. It was the only place he could call home, and the only place he associated with happy memories. The summers spent there were the last time he was innocent. Those mountains had seen him spend endless hours hiking, climbing, and dreaming of a life in the stars. He had spent nights alone in the little cabin among the snow-capped peaks.

He had never invited anyone to his uncle's cabin before. Maybe he would invite Bones, someday. The thing was - he wanted to take Spock with him after their semester-end, over the winter break. Now, he wasn't sure if he had done the right thing to ask Spock, or if Spock had even _wanted_ to spend the winter break with him.

"Are you well?" Spock's quiet voice interrupted his thoughts.

"What?...oh, yes. Yes, I am well. I'm sorry. I was just thinking." Jim realized he had been uncharacteristically silent for the last twenty minutes.

Their heels clicked on the brick pathway in unison, as the two trainees walked through the evening chill air. The grounds were getting quieter.

"Well, well, well...Jimmy boy, I didn't know you had a new boyfriend now." A voice speaking with an Irish accent reached their ears. A tall young man was sauntering up to them from behind, projecting an air of supreme confidence. Jim instantly tensed. It was Finnegan, the upper class man who had become a major pain in the ass.

"Spock, ignore him. Just keep walking." Jim muttered under his breath.

Spock said nothing.

"You know, it's too bad about your last boyfriend, Jimmy boy. I was rooting for him." Finnegan walked hurriedly and after overtaking them, started walking backwards facing them, blocking their path.

"You don't know what you are talking about. Practical jokes are one thing. Making fun of a real tragedy is NOT acceptable." Jim replied tightly.

"Always fight fair, don't ya? True officer and gentleman." Finnegan jeered. "May be you were too much of a gentleman and the little Russian got bored. This one you got here, looks like he may be as boring as you."

Jim felt his temper starting to rise dangerously. But he knew he was being baited, so he fought to maintain his cool. _Words,_ he told himself, _just words._

"C'mon, plebe! Come on, come on! Show me some emotion. Did your mother not teach you how to cry?" Finnegan grinned maniacally, like a clown.

Jim kept walking.

"Maybe she tried. Can't blame her entirely for the loser you are. Did you get those pretty eyes from her, Jim baby? Huh? Did you learn how to eye fuck from her?"

Jim still didn't react. Finnegan could go rot in hell.

"I guess eye fucking is all you can manage, if you are stuck with _this freak show,_ here. I don't know what you see in him, Jimmy boy - not even human!" The young man pointed a finger at Spock and bared his teeth in a ghoulish smile.

"Finnegan!" Jim warned.

"Whoo hoo, ha ha ha. I will tell you a secret, Jimmy. Do you know why he is the only one here? Of his kind?" Finnegan dropped his voice and spoke in a mock-whisper, "He was kicked out from his planet. A reject. No one wants him. Just -"

Jim lost it. He aimed a vicious blow at the man's jaw, intending to break it so he could never speak again.

Cold steel fingers closed around his wrist and stopped him before he made contact. Jim struggled against the hold, wanting nothing more than to beat the pulp out of Finnegan, but he was no match for the iron grip.

"Go back to your planet, you ape!" Finnegan sneered at Spock.

Jim's insides twisted at those words. He was beside him with rage, but the death grip on his wrist only tightened, starting to almost crush his bones.

"Cadet Finnegan, I am Instructor Spock. Unless you want a permanent disciplinary action on your record, I suggest you return to your quarters immediately." Spock spoke in a flat voice, devoid of all emotions.

Finnegan's confidence faltered for the first time, as his eyes registered the color of Spock's uniform. He said uncertainly, "Instructor? Is he serious?" looking at Jim.

"You have 5 seconds to make up your mind." Spock's voice cut the air like a knife.

Finnegan didn't waste any more time. He started backing up, first slowly, then picking up speed and finally turning around, disappearing into the mist. Spock immediately released Jim's wrist.

* * *

Jim rubbed his wrist absently, as he focused on breathing and bringing himself under control. He was trembling, he realized. _Well, that's not good._ He _knew_ Finnegan was all talk. Finnegan had been trying to rile him up since months now but Jim had maintained his composure. Apparently this time, Finnegan had managed to touch a raw nerve.

After several minutes of walking, while Jim was lost in his thoughts and blindly followed Spock, they reached what looked like a rose garden. Jim didn't recall ever coming here before. It was hidden away from the rest of the property, tucked into a corner of the campus. A low fence made of lattice ran all around the little garden, covered with rose vines of all varieties. They entered through a trellised archway.

Spock silently guided Jim to a bench to sit down on. Spock remained standing. Once Jim felt like he could talk again, he turned towards Spock, not quite meeting his eyes. There was no easy way to take back the ugly words spoken into the once quiet night.

"Spock, I am sorry. He is an asshole, a total asshole. He has been after me for months now, I am sorry you had to hear all that, and get involved because of me," Jim said in a low voice, looking down.

"Indeed, I am forced to agree that he did resemble that part of the anatomy."

Jim smiled weakly. _Spock was trying to cheer him up. Even after what had just happened._

"However, please do not place undue stress upon yourself. I am, as he correctly pointed out, not human, and hence his words do not affect me, the same way they do you." Spock's voice was gentle.

"Maybe they don't." Jim admitted. "But he did insult you, and spoke garbage about your background."

Jim took a deep breath and spoke with all sincerity, "You do know you are welcome here, don't you? I mean, I know you are the first Vulcan to join the Academy, train with us humans, and I am sure the Vulcans are darn proud of you for that! He doesn't speak for all humans, Spock."

Jim rose and started pacing back and forth. "We are StarFleet cadets! It's our diversity which makes us stronger. What's the use of Garth winning the battle all the way in Axanar, if we are losing it here, in the very birthplace of future leaders? What's the use of you and me slaving over our inter-galactic peace paper, when people like _him_ can get away with talking such filth? He..." Jim desperately wanted to erase away those hurtful words from Spock's mind.

"Please, listen to me. I have chosen my own destiny. The decision is mine alone. Neither Vulcan disapproval nor Human mockery affected that decision," Spock replied.

"Vulcan disapproval?...what are you saying?" Jim stopped pacing and came over to stand in front of his friend.

Spock spoke slowly, "Cadet Finnegan speaks with unnecessary emotion but the circumstances of my joining the Academy were not entirely pleasant. Although we are one of the founding members, you must be aware that Vulcans have so far only had all-Vulcan ships and crew. My father wanted me to join the Vulcan Science Academy, as is the tradition of my family. However, I chose to follow a path which deviates from my ancestors. He has ceased communication with me as a result."

Kirk was shocked.

"Spock," he whispered. Jim had never known until that moment, the extent of isolation his friend endured.

"An earth philosopher once said, 'If a man does not keep pace with his companions, perhaps it is because he hears a different drummer..." Jim spoke quietly.

"Let him step to the music which he hears, however measured or far away." Spock completed and they stood looking at each other.

Jim started pacing again. "I can't just let this go. He must pay for his crime. There can be no bigotry in StarFleet. This has gone far beyond practical jokes now." Finnegan's words ran through Jim's mind and he slammed a fist into his other palm. "That piece of shit! He doesn't deserve to walk away. I am going to crush every bone in his body, rip his fu-"

" _Jim_." The deep voice went straight to Jim's core.

All the rage left Jim at Spock's gentle reprimand. In its wake, what was left was profound grief - for his friend, for humankind that still harbored demons from its past, for the future of his beloved StarFleet.

Spock led Jim back onto the bench and Jim sat down heavily. Holding his head in both his hands, he leaned over, elbows on his thighs. He struggled to contain the waves of emotion. He was usually much better at restraining himself, but tonight he was really falling apart.

Spock dropped to the ground on one knee, in front of Jim, took off his black hat and placed it on the bench beside him.

"I am sorry, I don't know what has come over me. I'm a mess." Jim said lamely.

"You are entitled to be a 'mess'."

Jim looked up at Spock. He desperately wanted to reach out, to touch, to comfort - to let his friend know what he was feeling. But this was probably the worst way to humanize the moment; what felt natural to Jim was the opposite for the Vulcan. Unable to do anything else, he simply filled his mind with all that he felt for Spock, hoping his eyes would convey the message. To Jim's surprise, Spock gasped as if someone had taken his breath away.

A thought struck Jim, "But how does _he_ know so much about you?"

"I intend to find out." Spock replied grimly.

"By the way, thank you for saving me from myself. If I had hit Finnegan, it would not have really solved anything. Violence should never be the first choice, though we humans tend to forget that, in the heat of the moment. What would I do without you, Spock?" A weary smile spread on Jim's face.

Spock didn't say anything. Instead, at the reminder, slender fingers reached out and picked up Jim's right wrist, turned it over and examined it closely.

Jim went absolutely still. His wrist was beginning to turn an ugly purple-red where Spock's fingers had restrained him earlier. Spock's fingertips lightly brushed over the inflamed skin, and Jim's breath hitched before his brain could process his own reaction. _Get a hold on yourself! This is hardly the time or place!_

But his pulse sped up, and with every passing second that Spock cradled his wrist, Jim became acutely aware of the soft black hair reflecting the moonlight, the broad shoulders filling the Academy uniform, the long and muscular legs. Spock seemed unaware of the turmoil brewing inside him. _He is just checking you for injuries, that's all,_ Jim reminded himself severely. But his heart kept beating furiously, showing no desire to listen to his brain. Jim fought the temptation to curl his hand into a fist, in frustration.

Spock's head was bent over Jim's hand and the dark eyebrows were bunched up at the sight of the bruise. He looked very unhappy, by Vulcan standards.

Spock opened his mouth but Jim knew what was coming, so he cut in, "Oh no! You don't get to feel sorry for this! Not after all we have said. This is _nothing!_ "

Spock averted his gaze.

"Spock?" Jim pressed.

"I am aware of my superior strength, yet I acted irresponsibly. My controls failed me. If I had continued applying my full strength, the damage would have been ..." Spock was speaking to the ground now, still holding Jim's wrist.

Kirk was furious.

"Seriously? Are you _kidding_ me?! You are being absurdly illogical now. You acted _exactly_ as you should have. Mr. Spock, you will stop feeling sorry for me and yourself - right now!" Jim thundered in a voice laced with steel.

Jim could see Spock was taken aback at the sudden command tone in his voice.

"You are right of course, my concern is misplaced." The Vulcan replied.

"Your _guilt_ is misplaced, and I won't have that. But your concern is always welcome. Do you understand me?" Jim leaned in.

"I do. I also believe that the work you and I are doing together, will help change the perception held by people like my father and Cadet Finnegan." Spock inclined his head towards Jim and continued, "Jim, do not let the hatred spread by him touch you. Evil cannot spread without followers. I see no one following Finnegan. A great Captain, on the other hand, inspires loyalty. And I have already seen you accomplish that feat. Not just from humans, but from an Andorian like Cadet Valas, and a Vulcan, like me. I am honored to be in your company."

Jim was floored by his friend's faith in him. "As I am in yours, Spock," he whispered.

They sat there like that, looking at each other, their faces inches away - for how long Jim didn't know, until his wristband beeped. It was his reminder for submitting his Biochemistry, and three other assignments. All of which were due that midnight - the last assignments of the quarter. Jim looked down and said in a wistful voice, "I don't want this evening to end, but duty calls. Exams start tomorrow. Don't worry if you don't see me for a while, okay? I tend to go a little crazy during exams." And then he softly added, "I will miss you, though." He reluctantly tried to free his wrist.

Spock didn't reply, but didn't let go of Jim's hand. The Vulcan just kept gazing, with an expression that Jim couldn't identify. His heart started beating wildly. He forgot where he was, who he was, under that gaze and something inside him sung in resonance. A slight breeze blew, infusing the air with the scent of roses. Finally, Spock closed his eyes and let go of Jim's hand. The Vulcan picked up his hat, put it back on, and they stood up together.

Moonlight filtered through San Francisco's haze. The grounds were completely deserted, with everyone probably indoors. They walked back slowly, their steps as always in sync, their shoulders almost touching. When they reached the point where they were about to go their separate ways, Spock took Jim's other wrist - the good one - and brushed his fingers lightly over the exposed skin. Jim's breath hitched again.

The Vulcan turned and walked away without another word.

Jim stood under the stars in the cold night, watching the retreating figure for a long time, until he remembered his assignments. On his way back to his room, he came to three conclusions. Something was bothering Spock. Secondly, Jim was not going to let Finnegan get away. But first, he would devote 100% of his efforts to acing the exams.

* * *

 **Notes:**

Episode reference for Finnegan - "Shore leave" ,Star Trek TOS.


	25. Chapter 25

**Long Nights**

Spock sat at his study desk in his apartment, wearing traditional Vulcan apparel. He reviewed the document he had been working on with Cadet Kirk earlier that evening, one last time. In spite of what Number One had said, it was Jim who had contributed majorly to the final product. The Cadet possessed a remarkable ability to translate highly complex and abstract ideas into simple, plain terms. Spock was proud of their finished paper. He sent it off to Number One.

It was late night, and he should be meditating. But he logged into the StarFleet database, using his instructor privileges, and pulled up the file titled 'Finnegan'.

 **Full name: Sean Finnegan**

 **Gender: Male**

 **Species: Human**

 **Affiliation: Federation Starfleet**

 **Status: Active (2252)**

 **Born: 2232, Waterloo, Iowa, Earth.**

 **Mother: Sarah B. Finnegan (formerly Sarah Burke)**

 **Father: John Finnegan**

 **Academy specialization: Intelligence operations, Encryption, Computers.**

The rest of the file listed his education and training leading up to his admission to StarFleet - 25 long pages of it. Spock rose from his desk and went to his tiny kitchen, to make himself a cup of Vulcan tea. Tea in hand, he returned to the desk and settled in for a long night.

When morning broke over San Francisco, Spock had just finished reading the entire file. He decided to take a break, and went to the bathroom to refresh. Afterwards, he changed into his morning running gear and left his apartment. It was a gloomy morning and the forecast predicted rain all afternoon. When he reached the base of the hill, instead of scaling it as he usually did, he simply turned around. Spock knew Jim wouldn't be joining him, but that didn't stop the surge of illogical disappointment that washed over him.

There would be no classes starting that day, due to campus wide examinations. The first years were all busy with these examinations, which would span three weeks. He had been told that the first year exams were designed to be the toughest for students and 45% of trainees failed them. Of those who failed, only 13% were considered qualified to take the remedial classes for the remainder of the year, and then allowed one more attempt at passing the exams. The rest were dismissed from StarFleet. The ones who successfully passed the first time, spent the last two months of the year training in space flight simulations.

Spock himself had no trouble undergoing these examinations, when he joined StarFleet, but his scores were considered outliers - being several standard deviations beyond any Cadet in its history. The study plan designed by Number One exempted Spock from taking these exams. He had already cleared the equivalent of third year levels, and his computer expert classification was A7 - the highest one could attain. Spock was satisfied to see Jim was taking the exams very seriously. The new ad-hoc schedule his Cadet intended to follow during this period was apparently a by-product of this effort.

Back in his apartment, Spock took a sonic shower. Jim had warned him that he would not be having breakfasts for the next three weeks at a regularly scheduled time, so Spock saw no point in going to the cafeteria. A fresh cup of tea in hand, Spock went to the wall behind his study desk and stood looking at it, while he sipped his tea. The wall was covered with little slips of colored paper. On each was listed a fact, written in Spock's neat hand.

22 August A.M. - Cadet Kirk shows up late to class. Missing PADD.

22 August P.M. - The only time Cadet Kirk submits an assignment after deadline, late at night.

22 August - Cadet Ivanov - Kirk's roommate - is attacked by unknown suspect.

23 August - Cadet Ivanov leaves StarFleet.

20 September P.M. - Cadet Kirk is seen holding sparring lesson for his batch mates. Mentions "harassment" by upper classman.

27 September A.M. - Cadet Kirk collapses during morning run.

27 September P.M - Dr. McCoy discovers neuroparalyzer in Kirk's bloodstream.

27 September P.M - Note found in Cadet Kirk's room.

28 September - Cadet Kirk experiences panic attack. First mind-meld reveals past physical and emotional abuse, and an "incident" that took place in Cadet Kirk's room. Details of the "incident" could not be obtained during the brief meld.

10 October P.M - Cadet Kirk is verbally provoked and harassed by Cadet Finnegan.

For the past several days, Spock had been trying to make sense of the facts he had at hand. But in the last twelve days especially, since their return from their trip, he had been using every available minute, foregoing sleep and food multiple times, in an effort to uncover the identity of the culprit. Despite Jim's outright rejection of any interference in this matter, Spock was ashamed that he could not stop himself. In fact, anxiety over Jim's safety had almost taken over his sanity. For every moment, that Jim was out of his sight, Spock was overcome by worry. And now it seemed he would not be seeing Jim regularly for weeks. The fear of something happening to Jim was his first thought in the morning, his last one at night. It haunted him every second and threatened to cripple him.

So, Spock had no choice but to conduct his investigation without telling Jim.

He looked at his list on the wall and tried to find a pattern. Unable to see any connections, he went back to his terminal and began reading Cadet Finnegan's file from the start. By afternoon, rain started pounding against the windows of his apartment, but Spock heard nothing - so completely engrossed was he in his reading. By evening, he had found an interesting tidbit, buried deep in the layers of information, which stood out to him.

 **Other qualifications: A-5 certification.**

An A-5 for a fourth year human was exceptional. Cadet Finnegan seemed to have significant expertise in computers. His buffoonish manner last evening, then, must have been a ruse, in a deliberate attempt to hide his true intelligence. The need for this deception was a red flag for Spock. Next, he tried to pull up the cadet's psychological profile. But here, he met failure. His instructor privileges did not allow him access to medical and other sensitive data.

Spock finally rose from his study desk, and stretched his body. He had eaten only a bowl of soup in the last 38 hours. He forced himself to prepare a simple meal of fresh salad, then changed into terran clothing, and left the apartment.

The evening sky greeted him, wearing glorious colors, but he found no beauty in it tonight. The afternoon rains had left every surface damp, and droplets fell from tree branches as he walked under them. His feet took him to his cherished rose garden, which was also showing signs of the changing weather. The hybrids were enjoying a second bloom season; the old varieties, which were prized for their historical value, were done for the year. They would sprout buds the next spring. Spock knew a lot about roses, even before making Earth his home. Amanda was particularly fond of these beautiful flowers. He had spent many childhood evenings learning to tend to them in her rose garden on Vulcan. Those quiet moments spent with his mother, away from the walls of his Vulcan house, under the comfortable heat of the Vulcan sun, held a special spot in Spock's memories.

The Golden Gate Bridge had its usual share of tourists; the actual heavy traffic went unseen, passing through the extensive network of underground tunnels. But to Spock the bridge looked empty without a certain Cadet's presence.

After the trip to the Mendocino Coast, and the mind meld, Spock had become aware of the unthinkable - a new bond had sprung to life in his mind. It was still but nascent, and Spock was horrified at its existence. If he thought the mind-meld had been sacrilege, the presence of a bond without permission or knowledge of the other person, both puzzled him and deeply shamed him. He had immediately set upon severing the bond, but the effort started to take too much of a physical toll on him. If he was on Vulcan, a healer would have done the job. But Spock had no such luxury. He had never severed a bond before. Even the bond with T'Pring, though the weakest of any bonds he had, was still alive. It was by mutual consent, that T'Pring and he never used the bond, and it lay unused and shrivelled in a corner of his mind.

But this new bond with Jim, should have been easy to nullify. Vulcan-human bonds were not the same as Vulcan-Vulcan bonds. The only other such pair he knew of was his parents. Over the years, he had come to form the opinion, that his parents' bond was weaker than any of the other bonds in the family, but their affection towards each other was extremely strong. So, he was dismayed to find that the fledgling bond, which he had unintentionally created, would not easily give up. By day five after their return, Spock was using all his mental disciplines in uprooting the connection.

He avoided Cadet Kirk as much as he could, because he had found spending time with the Cadet fed the bond. Secure in his knowledge that he was doing the moral thing, the correct thing, the logical course of action, Spock was yet again stumped when Dr. McCoy had summoned him. The doctor's words had chilled Spock's blood down to his marrow.

He had not thought that Jim would be able to feel the bond, much less be actually affected by Spock's actions to break it. In a Vulcan bond-breaking ceremony, a rare occurrence in itself, there were sometimes more than one healer present, for the express purpose of supporting the pain felt by one or both of the bond-breakers.

When Spock realized he had been inflicting pain on Jim, his anguish had almost rendered him immobile. With his remaining willpower, he had managed to finish the conversation with Dr. McCoy and exit the lounge without letting his guards fall.

Spock had immediately ceased his attacks on the precious bond. This meant, he was now nursing an illegitimate bond, and Spock was in more trouble than ever. He had no clue where, why and how, he should approach Cadet Kirk with this information. How could the human even begin to understand the depth and concept of a mind meld, and a bond arising out it? On top of that, this bond was between two males. Spock knew of how a brother's bond felt. He tried not to think of Sybok, but the memories of his thirteen year self, floated up in his consciousness.

Sybok was the half-brother which Spock had not known about, till that fateful day, when the Vulcan youngster had come to live with them. Spock had been dismayed to learn this Sybok, was full Vulcan, borne of a Vulcan priestess, no less. His worst fears had come true. This boy would undoubtedly claim his rightful place, as the heir to Sarek. Not only was Sybok of royal blood line, he was also brought up in Gol, and was adept in the ways of Kolinahr. Spock's half-breed existence could not have been in more direct contrast.

Upon being introduced, Sybok had looked at young Spock with kindness and love, and raised his hand in the Vulcan salute. From his lips came the words, "Th'yl'a" - brother - and with that single word, he had gained Spock's eternal loyalty. It was Sybok, who had first questioned Spock's decision to follow Sarek's path. It was Sybok, who had first made Spock aware of the true nature of Vulcan emotions. It was Sybok, who had explained to Spock, the rare phenomenon of the joining of two warrior minds, from the days when Vulcans still engaged in battles. Such a joining of minds between two males had been considered the purest and strongest of all kinds. Vulcan poets wrote odes to the indestructible bond of Th'yl'a - brother, friend, lover - and Spock had been mesmerized by Sybok's words. He had not thought he would ever find another brother, another friend like Sybok, but in Jim he had found both. And now, Spock was forced to consider, the third definition - lover.

His bond with Sybok, felt different than his new bond with Jim. He _desired_ Jim. He couldn't deny it. He couldn't stop himself from touching Jim. Yesterday evening was proof enough. He wished to hold Jim's hand forever. And yet, Jim did not know anything - the human had never consented to the bond or the mind-meld or even the idea of such relationship. Jim had spoken of dating and exploring. Spock felt like his head would explode.

He touched the spot on the bench, where Jim had sat last evening. It was still damp from the rain. Spock didn't have to count the days - he knew it was day 1 of exams; it had been 24 hours since he had last seen his human. 20 more days to go. Spock could be patient. Vulcans were born to be patient.

He turned around and went back to his apartment to continue his investigation.

* * *

Jim was in a strange place, surrounded by orange grass and gigantic trees. He was running for his life screaming on top of his lungs. Something was chasing him, a thunder of heavy feet hitting ground and ferocious growls behind him. He didn't dare to look back for fear he would lose his balance. He raced through the thick foliage, jumping over fallen trees and all the while shouting. His uniform tore at several places as sharp thorns lacerated him. He didn't care. His lungs were complaining, and his muscles started cramping. He knew he was losing the gain over whatever was chasing him.

He shouted harder, his voice cracking with panic and fear and desperation. Suddenly he shot out of the thick forest and came abruptly upon the edge of what was a mountain. The ground dropped away sharply several thousand meters below. Jim skidded to a stop and turned around. He had nowhere left to go. His mouth was still shouting the same word he had been repeating over and over again. In a moment of perfect clarity, one that comes seconds before death, he realized what he was saying. It was "Spock". He was calling out the one name, the one word, which his mind churned up without thinking.

The creature emerged from the forest. Blood thirsty eyes, saliva dripping from its mouth, it started stalking forward towards Jim. He was trapped. He had no phaser, not even a piece of rock. Everywhere he saw was covered in thick orange grass.

 _Spock!_

Those were his last thoughts as the behemoth creature lunged and blinding pain engulfed him.

Jim shot up straight in his bed, sweat drenching his back and tears staining his cheeks. Breathing hard, he tried to orient himself. Slowly, the familiar shapes of his room's walls came into focus. He was alive, he realized. It was a dream. _He was alive, and most importantly, so was Spock._

Jim had fallen asleep while studying on his PADD. With an effort, he pulled himself out of his sprawled position. The room was dark, and so was the outside sky, from his window.

"Computer what's the time?" he groaned with his eyes closed.

"2130".

It was the seventh day of exams. He wiped the tears away from his face with a hand, and stumbled out of his bed. His hair was a dishevelled mess. Jim forced himself to start walking towards the shower.

A loud knock on his door jolted him. "Do I need to call security?" A familiar voice drawled.

 _Bones!_

Jim hurried to his door and yanked it open.

"Jeez kid! You are a hot mess!" The ever joyful doctor commented, and pushing Jim inside, stepped in casually.

"Pretty sure, you don't look like a beauty queen yourself, after being woken up rudely."

"It's not the middle of night! Civilized people are awake at this hour." McCoy grunted.

Jim gave up. "I am going to take a shower."

"I brought dinner. Make it quick." Bones found a spot among the stacks of books spread all over, and made himself comfortable.

"Thanks, man!" Jim perked up and hurried to the bathroom.

He stood in the hot water spray and slowly woke up. By the time he was dry, and brushing his teeth, he was fully awake and his brain was flying at top speed going over all the material he had been studying. Bones had been breathing down his neck about his less than perfect lifestyle, but Jim knew this was temporary. He would revert back to healthier habits once the exams ended. Contrary to what Bones believed, he wasn't trying to kill himself, and no, he wasn't worried about failing. He just wanted to beat the record. He was fairly confident of his abilities to do so, based on his past academic performance, but there was one particular Cadet he was worried about. That one Cadet had skewed the entire data in the history of StarFleet. One could simply consider his performance as an outlier, since the Vulcan brain was inherently superior, but Jim couldn't do that. He was too competitive. So, he was giving it all he had, and was studying like a maniac. As long as he gave it his 110%, he wouldn't regret anything.

Thinking of Spock's performance, he was overcome with an urge to go see him right then. He had missed Spock like crazy, like he had missed no one else ever. It had been only a week, but it felt like a whole freaking year. He missed the eyebrow raises, the quiet presence, the earnest questions about some facet of human culture, the tall lean body in a fitted uniform. He even missed the darn green soup Spock had every morning. He had made a habit of sleeping with Spock's pen under his pillow. Just two more weeks, he promised himself, and shut off his heart.

With a towel wrapped around his waist, Jim stepped out and went to his dresser to find a fresh pair of PJs.

"So, how have you been? It's not fair you know, you don't have to sit for exams," he pouted to Bones. He dressed himself.

"In case you have forgotten, I have gone through eight years of medical school. A shit load of exams, trust me." Bones was removing the assortment of notes, pens, and books from the study table to make room for their dinner.

"Plus, I do have to pass the space readiness exam by next year, if I'm to join the mission to Dramia II."

Jim felt like a new man - showered and dressed in fresh clothes. Towelling his head vigorously, he said, "I don't know how am I going to survive without you."

"I'm worried too. Who's going to feed you, huh?" Baby blue eyes looked at Jim.

"Not that! You know what I mean. I'm going to miss you, you old grump." Jim walked over to the food laid out, and enthusiastically started loading heaps of it on his plate.

"Mmmm. This is good, Bones! Never would have guessed you knew how to cook." He impaled a piece of green beans with his fork.

"Hazards of being married." McCoy replied, but his face softened at the sight of Jim hungrily scarfing down his home cooked meal.

Jim looked up from his plate and asked gently, "How's that going, Bones?"

McCoy dropped his eyes and moved a piece of potato around his plate. "The divorce papers are almost finalized."

"I am really sorry, buddy."

"I know. Thanks." McCoy finally picked the potato with his spoon and shoved it in his mouth.

They ate in silence for some time.

"Ruth has been asking about you." McCoy was back to his gruff self.

"Has she?" Jim's face broke into a grin.

"Uh-huh. I won't be surprised if she beats you at the scores. That kid doesn't know when to stop."

Jim let out a whistle. "We will see about that." He went for a second helping.

"How's your Vulcan?"

"Dunno," Jim spoke with a mouthful. "Haven't seen him in a while. I was going to ask you actually, since you must meet at breakfast."

"Nah! He hasn't been coming to the cafeteria anymore. I figured, without you around, he probably doesn't find it _logical._ " McCoy got up and dumped his empty plate and spoon in the automatic recycler disposal chute.

"Well, if you see him, let me know, okay?" Jim tried to keep his voice nonchalant. "Thanks for the awesome food, I owe you one!" Jim cleaned up the empty containers.

"Just take care of yourself, Jim. I don't want grey hair at 25." McCoy patted on Jim's shoulder affectionately and walked towards the door. "Good night, kiddo."

"Good night, Bones" Jim leaned at the door post and waved at his friend as he left.

He shut the door and went back to settle in for a long night of study.

* * *

 **Notes:**

1\. Character reference, Sybok - Movie "Star trek V : The final frontier".

2\. If anyone is interested, here is a meta by me, on StarFleet's education system. I was trying to figure it all out for this chapter (nerd alert!).  
"As per canon, Jim starts StarFleet at age 19 and in 5 years, he graduates with all necessary knowledge of not just advanced theoretical concepts( wormhole, warp, matter-anti matter implosion,etc.), but also advanced military tactical and warfare training. He is also adept at basic sciences and knows how to create a crude bomb out of basic elements. Can quote literature like a boss.

Similarly, Bones is not just a doctor, but a surgeon, psychologist, exobiologist plus a researcher - he pioneers several advancements in medicine. Though exact date is not known in canon, he graduates sometime around 2252/2253- the same time Jim starts StarFleet. Around same time, he leads(not just participates) the massive inoculation program on Dramia II. McCoy is 24-25 years age.

Judging by their accomplishments and ages, I have concluded :

1\. The american system of college/undergrad/grad OR pre med, med, residency, fellowship does not apply. This system is not global even in current times, so certainly can not be the system followed by an unified earth in future.

2\. Every new generation is smarter and faster. The kids today learn what people in previous generations learnt, much earlier in lives. By the time in TOS world, humankind has progressed enough, where the equivalent of 4 yr college is finished by age 16-18. Jim already knows a lot before he joins StarFleet.

3\. At StarFleet all of them are grad level. Similarly, McCoy has finished in 8 yrs what would take 11-12 years by current American system.

4\. Finally, StarFleet is ivy league level. You need sponsorship to even get in. These men are all brightest of the brightest, so it's fair to assume that many of them have been on accelerated tracks in their school."


	26. Chapter 26

**Data**

 _Spock!_

Spock's head jerked up the sound of Jim's voice.

He turned around in his chair, scanning his empty apartment and whispered incredulously, "Jim?"

There was no one there. He already knew this fact, yet he was certain that he had just heard Jim's voice. Reluctantly, he turned his focus inwards towards the warm glowing corner in his mind. Spock listened for anything further but he felt nothing else.

Once he had accepted that the bond was there to stay, he had decided to explain the truth to Jim. After the exams were over, that is. Depending on Jim's reaction, and Spock was expecting the worst, he would know what to do next. For now, he just let the bond be. He did refrain from engaging the link actively in any fashion. Doing so would be a severe violation of Jim's privacy.

The very existence of the bond however, did mean that Jim was alive. To Spock's relief, the bond now served as a constant monitoring tool. His anxiety had decreased to manageable level, once he realized this. But, hearing Jim this clearly through the bond was completely unexpected. _Was Jim dreaming?_ Spock did not know how exactly this bond worked. Data on accidental human-Vulcan bonds was nonexistent.

Spock retreated from the space around the golden spot inside his head, and clamped down on the tide of emotions - reassurance, care, longing, worry - which rose inside him. His heart rate had become slightly elevated. His instinctual reaction to Jim calling over the bond, consciously or unconsciously, was to answer. A Vulcan's mind was biologically wired to respond. With some effort, Spock stopped himself, and directed his concentration back to the computer screen.

Since late afternoon, he was following a new thread of investigation. The source of neuroparalyzer found by Dr. McCoy in Jim's body was still a mystery. The good news was the medical lab had recently updated their report; at last the compound had a name.

It was called Nerophrene and was not native to Earth. Nor to Vulcan.

Now that he had a name for the compound, he had run a simple search but that had yielded no result. So, Spock was writing an algorithm, which would comb through the vast records of the Federation, looking for that keyword. There had to be a trace, no matter how well hidden, in the computer records somewhere.

He finished writing the code and the estimated run time showed that the exhaustive search algorithm would take two hours to complete. Spock launched the program and went to change from his robe into non-Vulcan clothing.

He had spent the last two days grading the subjects he taught. He had to fight the impulse to grade Astrophysics first, though it was the last exam which was administered. Instead, he graded the other subjects first and chastised himself for his blatant display of emotionalism.

Astrophysics – the class he taught where Jim was a student - he finished grading it this morning. The student who scored the highest - by a huge margin - was the very same, whose face appeared behind his eyelids whenever he closed them. Spock had to triple check to make sure he was not letting personal bias color his assessment. In the end, he was satisfied with the impartiality of his grading. The inescapable truth was that James T. Kirk was an exceptionally gifted young man. A sensation of warmth had spread throughout him, when he realized this. That was how Spock learned what the emotion 'pride' meant.

Spock tucked his shirt inside his jeans, while gazing at the black faux leather jacket hanging in his closet. His eyes travelled down to the shelf inside his closet, where in a small elegant box, lay a metal key. His fingers touched the key - illogical he knew, but it was the closest to touching Jim. He stepped back and the closet door slid shut. He left his apartment to go on his nightly walk.

It was day seventeen of exams. Walking with hands clasped behind him, head bowed, he wondered idly what Jim must be doing. He did not know Jim's number and neither had he ever offered his own. There was no rational reason to do so. He had Dr. McCoy's number and there had been a clear reason in exchanging that information.

He was aware of how the humans engaged in trivial communication in their spare time - with no purpose except to simply communicate. There had come a time in earth's history when the explosion of this phenomenon had started affecting humankind's productivity. Along with the other reforms, this was one of the hurdles, which mankind had successfully navigated.

Similar to how the current practice of walking was the principal method of transport on the campus, the value of face-to-face interaction had been one of those concepts which was firmly re-established during the reform. Peak physical and mental health was considered a fundamental way of life by current earthmen and women.

Spock was beginning to see the logic of keeping in touch with one's companions when unable to meet in person. In a theoretical world, if he had possessed Jim's number, he probably could have devised some reason to message Jim. But there was no reason for Spock to ask Jim's number. Their joint work was complete and Jim was no longer his student either. Spock sighed internally.

Jim had once asked him, if he missed his home, parents or his planet. Spock had replied that missing anything was a human emotion and hence Spock did not experience it. Like so many things in his life, this too had changed. He acknowledged to himself that truth - _yes, he missed Jim_. Probably much more acutely than any human missed another given how deep Vulcan emotions ran. He was surprised to find that the emotion produced physical symptoms as well. He distinctly felt what could only be termed as heartache. Spock was still Vulcan enough to recognize this as _fascinating!_

He could once again enjoy the beauty of the sunset over the bay. Now that the bond thrummed constantly in his mind, he was always aware that, whatever else was going on with Jim, he was not in mortal danger.

He returned to his apartment precisely after two hours. It was 2215.

Spock did not even change his clothing because on his screen, he saw that the algorithm had spat out a single result. He went over to his desk and stared at the computer screen for several moments. _Was it possible?_

 **Name of drug :** Nerophrene

 **Date of transaction :** **2252.8 (August 22)**

 **Initiated by :** James T. Kirk. Serial #:SC937-0176CEC

* * *

The evidence was clear. There was no ambiguity. _Jim himself had been responsible?_ Spock's anxiety came back in full force _. Had the PTSD or depression got to Jim? Had he been suicidal?_

The mere thoughts sent a sharp pain through him. He stood staring silently at the terminal. His mind was in a complete turmoil.

Spock's human and Vulcan sides erupted into a battle. Logic dictated that, when one eliminated the impossible, what remained however improbable, must be the truth. Emotion refused to consider that Jim had thought of taking his own life.

His confusion was a most uncharacteristic reaction. Spock had always been sure of himself for remaining calm, no matter what the circumstances.

Eventually, his thoughts settled down enough and he calmed down. He remembered there was one way to find out. Dr. McCoy would know. So, he took out his communicator and typed out a message to the doctor.

"Doctor, Spock here. Have you met Cadet Kirk lately?"

After a few seconds, the reply flashed.

"I am a doctor, not a pigeon! First he asks about you, then you about him. I didn't sign up to carry messages. Why can't you ask each other directly? Yeah, I just left his room fifteen minutes ago."

Spock's eyebrows shot up. _Jim had asked about him?_ _And why was Dr. McCoy inside Jim's personal quarters?_ A somewhat familiar emotion he recognized as jealousy raised its head. He would never admit that to the doctor, of course. He would also never admit that the barbed reply from the doctor oddly soothed Spock. It brought back some semblance of normalcy to the moment.

"I find no resemblance to the member of the bird family Columbidae. However, if you were eager for my opinion, you have an uncanny resemblance to the terran mammal, Otter."

There was a few seconds of silence, during which Spock's lips bent slightly, imagining the good doctor's reaction.

"You pointy eared, green blooded, alien! ! ! "

"That is an accurate description. Thank you. I would like to point out though, the use of three exclamation marks is unnecessary. One is entirely sufficient."

"So help me Lord!"

Spock didn't attempt to wipe away the tiny smirk off his face. In fact, the doctor's reaction cleared up his mind entirely of earlier confusion.

"Unfortunately, it is I, who require your help. I need your advice, doctor."

"Never thought I would live long enough to hear that!"

Spock ignored the comment.

"Are you aware of any suicidal ideation in Cadet Kirk in last few months?"

Spock waited for a reply but none came. After several moments, he typed, "Doctor?"

"What in the blazes are you talking about?"

Spock sighed. Dr. McCoy was incapable of answering in a straight forward manner. Spock typed in his explanation of what he had found.

"That's impossible! Jim wouldn't do that."

"Can you rule out the possibility completely?"

"Well,no, not completely. But I'll be damned if this was true."

"Data do not lie, doctor."

"No, but men entering that data, in your precious machine can!"

"What are you suggesting?"

"Who approved of the request?" the doctor asked.

Spock's smirk got replaced by a frown. The doctor was right. Why had not he thought of it himself?

"Don't tell me that brain of yours forgot this little detail? It's a class H drug, one can't just bring it in on a Cadet's request. Who approved it?" The doctor had latched on like a Piranha to the one mistake Spock had ever made.

"I do not know."

"Look it up!"

Spock was already doing that. The public log entry was curiously marked with a code signifying it was highly classified information. Spock couldn't get past it.

"The system will not let me access."

"Really? And here I thought you knew everything about computers."

Spock was tempted to do a very human gesture - roll his eyes.

"I do."

"Well, get to it then, Mr. Vulcan!"

"Doctor, please, I request that you do not share this information with anyone yet - for Cadet Kirk's safety."

"Understood, Spock."

Spock closed his comm. and sat down on the chair.

He had finally reached the point in his investigation, which he had feared. Further probing would now require him to rely solely on his superior knowledge of computer technology. His actions would be considered illegal, if he was discovered. There was no doubt in his mind. The moral course of action was to use his intellect to find the truth. In this, both his human and Vulcan sides agreed. The truth was the scientist's ultimate goal as well.

So, Spock worked for the next forty five minutes, breaking through several levels of encryption and security protocols. Finally, the screen resolved into a white background and black letters spelled out what Spock was looking for.

 **Name of drug :** Nerophrene

 **Date of transaction :** **2252.8 (August 22)**

 **Initiated by :** James T. Kirk. Serial #:SC937-0176CEC

 **Approved by:** Vice Admiral Connor Burke

* * *

Spock read the name in the last column. Immediately, he was reminded of another piece of information he had read a week back. He pulled up Cadet Finnegan's file and found the line he was looking for.

 **Mother: Sarah B. Finnegan (formerly Sarah Burke).**

If his suspicion was correct, it was a simple matter of searching the publicly available database. His fingers flew as he ran a query on the marriage and annulment section and this time, he was satisfied, when the computer confirmed his hunch.

 **Year of annulment: 2242.**

 **Defendants: Sarah Burke and Connor Burke.**

 **Reason: Irreconcilable Differences.**

 **Filed by: Sarah Burke.**

So, Cadet Finnegan was the biological son of Vice Admiral Burke. And the Admiral had approved of the drug which nearly killed Jim. Spock still didn't know why and how Jim had requested this drug. But he felt like he was closer to the truth, than he had been in months. All this had been buried under so many layers of security, that Spock doubted anyone else with lesser computer skills, could have discovered it.

Spock rose and finally went to change his clothing. A cup of warm tea was in order.


	27. Chapter 27

**Last Exam**

Spock had spent the entire night pouring over Burke's background, foregoing even his morning exercise.

By the time rest of the Academy was awake, he had a new problem on his hands.

He learned that Burke had dedicated his entire adult life to StarFleet. Several of the innovations in current spaceship weaponry had been spear-headed by him. He had been recognized seven times for his successful missions.

At the same time, Spock noted some peculiarities in his file. There had been charges of assault brought against him on three separate occasions, all later dropped, in his 25 year career. Out of the three people, who had initiated those accusations, two resigned from StarFleet soon after. Spock recognized the odds of that being coincidental, as an exponentially high number. The third name was listed as still active in the service and it was this name that had caught his attention.

It was a Cadet Robbins. _Number One._

Spock finished his breakfast. He rinsed the empty bowl - breakfast was always a simple affair - and wiped his hands dry. Then, he took a deep breath and typed into his communicator. It was 0730 hours. Spock considered that an acceptable hour.

"Good morning Number One. Spock here. I am in need of your advice."

A full minute passed and then the reply arrived.

"Morning Spock. I was about to get back to you about the report."

"My query is personal in nature. I request a meeting, at your earliest convenience."

Another minute passed.

"I am free right now, but won't get to fleet HQ for another two hours. If you don't mind discussing your issue at my quarters, you are welcome to come over."

"I do not mind. I will meet you in five minutes."

"Sounds good."

Spock looked up her apartment number on the officer's directory on computer. Since he lived in the officers' quarters' section, it was a one minute walk to her building.

His own apartment was in the last building of the cluster. It was meant for junior ranked officers, but Pike had managed to get Spock in, even though he was a Cadet. He didn't have many neighbors; the building was the least occupied. Most junior officers didn't stay long on campus; it served more as temporary accommodations, in between missions.

Spock made his way through the shrub lined paths and pressed his palm at the scanner located on the entrance to Number One's quarters. Her apartment was at the very top, on the tenth floor, overlooking the bay. She was waiting for him at her apartment door, dressed in a simple red sweater and jeans.

He noticed the subtle touches she had made to the space, to personalize it while she was Earth-bound. Mostly though, it dominated by clean and efficient spaces.

She offered tea.

"No, thank you."

She extracted two toasts from the synthesizer and a bowl of fruit. With a cup of steaming tea in one hand, and her breakfast in another, she led Spock through her apartment to the other end.

"I must admit I am intrigued, Spock. What's on your mind?" They were seated at her open balcony, the breeze from the bay bringing in the smell of the sea. Her sapphire blue eyes regarded him with curiosity, while she blew on her tea.

Spock clasped his fingers together on his lap and arranged his thoughts. He knew he was skirting dangerous territory.

"I have recently come across some disturbing information. My goal was to investigate the attack on Cadet Ivanov earlier this year, and then the later attack on Cadet Kirk. In my efforts to do so, I have uncovered evidence, which suggests a high ranking officer in the establishment is involved."

"I see." Number One was immediately on alert, her posture tensed. "Are we speaking off the record here, Spock?"

"That is my wish." He was impressed by her quick assessment of the situation.

"Okay, tell me more about what have you found." She started eating her breakfast but her eyes remained fixed on Spock, reading his body language intently.

Spock walked her through his analysis in a chronological order. He had deliberately not brought any written material, relying only upon his spoken words to convey his findings. "It was this officer's file that revealed your name, and hence, I have decided to seek your counsel." Spock finished his monologue.

Number One looked away from him for the first time. She spoke quietly, "If you are talking about the man, I believe you are, then this information, couldn't have been easily available."

Spock bent his head down. Admitting his unauthorized actions openly, was a risk he had to take.

"Affirmative. Much of this is classified."

Number One looked at him. She was searching for something on his face. "You must be aware of the consequences, then?"

"I am."

She became visibly agitated at his admission. Rising from her chair, she started pacing back and forth, before him.

"I don't understand,Spock. You are a valuable asset to the Academy. Why are you putting your entire career and reputation in jeopardy? For whose benefit?"

Spock had not expected this question. He had simply believed that she would help him. In his dealings with her so far, Spock had formed the opinion, that she was the kind of human, who valued truth and justice above all. He was even prepared for her to refuse to answer his questions, or to deny the accusations he was making. But, what he had not anticipated was being asked "Why". The realization dawned upon him, that his duty towards Jim was obvious only to himself, not to anyone else. For others, questioning his motivations was logical.

"I am invested in Cadet Kirk's well-being." He explained.

"Must be some friendship!" She commented.

Spock hesitated. But, if he was to solicit her help, he had to earn and keep her trust. Withholding any truths would be counter-productive.

"He is unaware of my actions." Spock was in a really vulnerable position now.

"Oh!" Number One stopped pacing and surprise registered on her face. She watched him for several moments. Finally, she went back to her chair and sat down.

"Okay, I will help you. What do you want to know?"

"Are you aware of whom I am talking about?" Spock asked, making sure, they were both on the same page, before he went any further.

"Yes. Connor Burke." There was an edge in her voice,

"Then, I wish to know, why did you file an assault charge against him?"

Number One rubbed her forehead with her right hand. She exhaled slowly. "What I am about to say, I haven't told anyone else, except Pike. But I trust you. And if there is ever to be justice, you are probably my best bet."

She picked up her tea cup, and sipped once. "I was a Cadet then. He was an instructor. A very popular one. He was a handsome man, and knew it. I simply saw him as my instructor. All I was interested in was, learning. My girlfriends were all infatuated with him. I was not." She was looking at the distant horizon, her face thoughtful. The overcast grey skies and the grey water blurred, it was difficult to see where the water ended and the sky started.

"That was my first mistake, and I paid for it." Her voice trembled slightly but her face betrayed nothing.

She continued, "I was naive, confident and fearless. One day after class, he asked me to remain back. When the room was empty, he tried to kiss me. He is a powerfully built man and would have succeeded but I am a martial arts expert. I fought back, and nearly broke his jaw in the process. He didn't dare again but he failed me in the subject he taught us. I was furious. I was a brilliant student."

Her eyes dropped down to the cup in her hands. "So, I filed a complaint against him. That was my second mistake. In the hearing, I was unable to prove anything. I had not expected that he would tamper with my examination, and I found myself unprepared. It was my word against his. I had wrongly believed that simply telling the truth was enough. I wish life was that simple." She smiled ruefully, and her eyes shone with unshed tears.

Spock looked away, unable to hide his reaction to the pain flickering on her features. He respected and cared about her deeply. She had shown remarkable kindness and competency. When he turned his gaze back, she was looking at him with an odd expression. "You do feel, don't you? In fact, you feel more than us. I suspected as much, but never realized it till today."

Spock did not say anything. Being an instructor himself, he couldn't fathom the kind of character it required to abuse a student.

She reached out and placed her right palm over his clasped hands. "Thank you for feeling my pain." And then she lifted her hand away. She resumed sipping her tea, with a tiny sad smile formed on her lips.

Spock asked, slowly, "Am I correct in assuming that he never bothered you again?"

"Oh no. I had not just hurt his jaw, you see, but his ego too. So, he made it his mission to make my life hell the entire five years, while I was a student. Once I graduated, he followed my career from afar. He was climbing the ranks fast. By the time I earned my senior stripes, he was a Vice admiral. The first thing he did, was to make sure, I will never get my own ship. So, I have been a Lieutenant Commander for many years, and will be until I retire. Fighting the bureaucracy and politics to challenge him, was going to be long process. Instead, as I often tell Captain Pike, I am happier to be among the stars, as a First Officer on his ship, than to be wasting my life trying to earn my right to Captaincy."

Spock bent his fingers into a steeple. "I was under the impression, that StarFleet was a fairly transparent organization, run by moral men and women."

"It is. 99% of it is. There is that 1%, Mr. Spock, which we humans can't seem to get rid of." She seemed relaxed now. The pain had gone from her eyes.

"In which case, he must be brought to trial again. Retaliation seems to be his method of attack. This must not be permitted." Spock replied.

"Spock, listen to me. He is a powerful man. One doesn't become Vice Admiral without amassing a loyal base on the way up. If there is anyone, who I would support in fighting him, it would be you. But, you can't make the same mistake I did. For us to be able to bring him down, we need solid, irrefutable evidence. Else, you or worst, your friend, will simply be earning his wrath. And I won't let brilliant men like you, be sacrificed again." Her eyes were hard and the determination in her voice made it clear, that there would be no arguments on this.

Spock nodded. She was correct in her analysis.

"I agree. We need evidence."

"Can I fill Pike in? It will still be off the record. I am sure he will want to be kept abreast." She asked.

"That is agreeable." Spock trusted Pike without a doubt.

"Don't you think Cadet Kirk has a right to this information?" Number One asked him pointedly.

Spock looked worried.

"Perhaps, he does. However, given everything you have just shared, and the fact that the other two of the Admiral's accusers, both are no longer in StarFleet, I am reluctant to put Cadet Kirk in harm's way. At least, until I have gathered enough data to prove beyond a reasonable doubt, the Admiral's true nature."

"What about you, Spock? If you are caught, you will be court-martialed." She challenged him.

"I am aware of that fact, but I _must_ do this. I simply must. I have no choice." Spock replied almost passionately.

Number One cocked her head to one side and studied him for a long time. Finally, she let out a breath. "I see. Be very careful then. I have every reason to believe, that Burke will not hesitate to employ drastic measures, even life threatening." She leaned towards him, speaking in an urgent tone, willing him to see the danger.

"I have a final piece of advice, Spock. Your status as the son of the Vulcan Ambassador is a unique advantage. It may grant you some immunity, but may not be enough. However, it is something. Do you have a plan in mind?"

Spock thought about everything she has revealed, and what he had uncovered.

"I will continue looking for clues in the archives. Meanwhile, I believe the best course of action would be to keep track of him and his son, and wait for the right opportunity to present itself."

* * *

Jim stuffed a sandwich into his mouth, his brows knitted in concentration. His eyes were on the open book on the study table going over the highlighted parts.

Then, while hopping on one foot, then the other, he pulled up his uniform trousers, without taking his eyes off the book. Fumbling with the buttons on his tunic in his haste, he made a face when his wrist watch beeped. It was 1445 hours - time to go for the last exam. Jim stole a look in the mirror and ran a hand through his hair, trying to bring some order. His hair immediately bounced back and stood erect like soldiers.

He gave up and started looking for his socks, when a loud knock sounded on his door. His friends were here. He found one sock, and then shouted, "Coming!"

Desperately, he looked for the other one. It was the last day of exams. He would be a free man in three hours, and there was just one thing on his mind, that he wanted to do with that freedom.

God, he had missed him! Jim couldn't wait to see him.

"C'mon, Kirk!" It was Nathan, his friend from their study and sparring group.

Jim opened the door in his bare feet. Valas was standing behind Nathan; both of them were scowling at him.

"I can't find my Spock - sock! I mean SOCK! I can't find my damn sock!" Jim spluttered.

Valas was already pushing in through the door and started looking under the bed. Nathan rolled his eyes and muttered, "you and your socks" , but he too went down on his fours and started hunting for that elusive item.

"Eureka!" Valas triumphantly held up the black sock, which had starships printed on it, in her raised hand.

Jim grinned and in record setting speed, put on his socks, then slid on the black boots. They all ran out of his room, down the long corridor, to where a few other cadets were frantically leaving their rooms as well.

Valas talked energetically about the party the next evening. It was not just to celebrate the end of the quarter, but also, it was her birthday. Her first time celebrating on Earth. She had convinced Jim, and the rest of their group, to go downtown at a particularly well known spot. The entire first year would probably descend there, but, Valas was so excited that Jim didn't have the heart to refuse. Besides, he had already let Bones know about his plans.

His friends had all been interviewed when he had been poisoned before and were already aware. So no one raised an eyebrow when, Bones ordered Jim to carry his own water and snacks, to the party.

His doctor friend had also quipped, "Don't talk to strangers."

Jim felt really stupid but he was not taking any chances.

He and his friends reached the exam hall just in time, and with whispered, 'good luck's' to each other, sat down to tackle the last exam.

The testing period lasted three hours and at 1800 hours, every first year student, in every building around the entire campus, breathed a sigh of relief. Some cried, some laughed, and some collapsed into their seats. Others made plans to party all night, and still others, like Jim simply disappeared.

Jim started walking - all he could think was Spock. And sleep. But the former took precedence. He didn't know where to find Spock. In all these months, they had never managed to ask each other's contact number - everything with Spock was infinitely more complicated and that much more thrilling. He could just show up at Spock's room but then he realized he didn't even know where Spock lived!

Spock had never missed a day - never fallen sick or run late. Jim had taken for granted the fact that his Vulcan would just magically appear every morning at their hill. Now, he couldn't wait till morning.

Post-exam relief and exhaustion started to creep in and his brain began to shut down. Kirk was on autopilot. So, he did a double take, when he realized where his feet had brought him - Spock's rose garden. There was no one in there. He idly wondered if any other student even knew of its existence.

Jim stumbled onto the bench and sunk down on it. He closed his eyes briefly and inhaled the smell of the roses. They reminded him of the inn at Mendocino - it too had rose shrubs all around. Then, the way Spock had held the rose on the train - Jim needed to find out more about this mystery of Spock and roses. In fact, he knew nothing about Spock's childhood or his family or his planet.

For all the time, they had managed to spend together most of it had been spent in activities related to StarFleet. Breakfast, really, was the only time, Jim wasn't in an educational setting with Spock. Their morning runs, which he had missed for many weeks now, also never presented an opportunity to talk.

Tomorrow morning though, Bones had cleared him to resume running. He lay down and spread himself on the bench, hands tucked under his head, and looked up at the sky.

Jim was looking forward to spending more time with Spock. The first quarter had been brutal with so much study load. This next quarter though was going to be fun. It was all hands-on space stuff, starting next week. At StarFleet, each year was split in four quarters or in other words, two semesters. The first was always the theory part, and the next quarter was the application of those theories learned.

Spock would have more availability as well, since teaching theoretical courses required much more preparation on the part of the instructor. So, they both should be able to spend some time together, Jim mused. Then, in December, the first semester would end, and a month long break before the second semester would start next year. That was when Jim planned to take Spock to Idaho - though he was honestly unsure, if Spock thought of things the way Jim did. Sometimes, he felt like, he was going too fast. It was just the way he was - he did everything with passionate energy, or he didn't do it at all. But, it was probably different for Spock.

Jim waited for a miracle to happen, somehow Spock to appear, knowing Jim was waiting for him. When he tilted his head towards the bay, he realized he could see the Golden Gate Bridge from where he was on the bench. His brain was trying to find some significance in this fact, but it was proving to be too much to think. Tomorrow, he promised himself, he would visit his dear bridge.

With a start he sat up, when he realized he was falling asleep. He had been surviving on minimal sleep for almost a month now. Anyone else could blissfully fall asleep under the stars, feeling safe inside the campus grounds, but not Jim of course. It also chilly at this time of the year. He shook off the sleep and stood up.

Keeping his senses alert, he walked back to his room. Once inside, he crashed on to his bed with his shoes still on.


	28. Chapter 28

**Attraction**

"You are staring again." Her best friend, Aretta, whispered in Ruth's ear.

 _I am so screwed!_ Ruth groaned internally. Aretta was right. Try as she might, Ruth was having a hard time keeping her eyes from straying.

"But I will cut you some slack, he is looking particularly delish tonight." Aretta spoke in a teasing tone.

"Aretta!" Ruth warned.

Long sparkling ear-rings, dangling almost to her shoulders, jingled as Aretta flashed a set of perfect white teeth and giggled uncontrollably.

"You are so easy, girl. I can't help it. I have waited 20 years for this day, ya know?"

Ruth just shook her head, and redirected her attention to the drink she had been nursing for an hour now. The party in downtown, where Aretta had dragged her to, was in full swing.

"Why doesn't his friend ever attend a party, though? Would it just kill him to show up, once?" Aretta pouted, twirling one long dark hair strand between her fingers.

"Mr. Spock has better things to do, than gyrate to loud music and spend an evening consuming disturbing amount of intoxicants." Ruth replied.

"Oh man, why did you have to plant that image in my head now? Gyrate...That long, lithe, body,...oh Lord! "Aretta fanned herself with a hand, and looked dreamily at Ruth.

"You are incorrigible!" Ruth rebuked her friend.

"And you madam, are a hopeless case."

Ruth bent her head down. She had no argument to offer. For the millionth time, she questioned her behavior. _Seriously, what was she doing?_ It had started as a harmless crush at first, though Aretta had reminder her, that Ruth didn't do crushes like normal girls. Her crushes lasted entire decades, and were always one-sided. Again, Aretta was right.

James T. Kirk was only the third crush in Ruth's twenty years of life so far. The man was hard to miss, to be honest. Every girl on campus had heard of him. Ruth had acknowledged her own attraction towards the hazel eyed, tall cadet. And she had been fine with that - that is, letting her body act on its natural impulses, as long as it let her brain do, what she was here to do, at StarFleet.

Wanderlust and StarFleet ran in her blood. Ruth's mother had been a nurse in the fleet. That's how she had first met Aretta. Both the girls had bonded, when at age five, they had stood together at the funeral ceremony, for the crew of the space exploration ship which had exploded mid-mission. Ruth's mother and Aretta's mother, both nurses, had been aboard the ill-fated ship. Since then, they had been inseparable, in spite of the fact, that they were polar opposite in personalities. Ruth was blond, light-eyed, petite and classically beautiful. Aretta was swarthy, dark haired, the tallest girl cadet and an exotic beauty. Ruth had followed her mother's footsteps and become a nurse, and then double majored in space neuropsychology and research. Aretta had gone on to study engineering and specialized in warp core. Her infatuation with Mr. Spock, though she pretended to it to be superficial, was actually driven by the Vulcan's brilliance in that field of study. Aretta called him her, "Warp Prince".

Ruth had been handling her own problem just fine, till Dr. McCoy had one day invited Kirk to their lab. Meeting him up close and subjected to his blinding charm, Ruth had fallen from a manageable level of puppy love to the deep dark hole of obsessive crush. Dr. McCoy didn't stop it with that one visit. Kirk's visits became a semi-regular thing, and Ruth would be dragged along to the lunches by Dr. McCoy, who she suspected, was laboring under some false belief. To her dismay, Cadet Kirk turned out to be a thoughtful and intelligent man, who could speak on a wide variety of subjects with an ease, which betrayed his genius. Unlike her past crushes, Ruth actually came to know this one, and the more she learned about him, the worst her one-sided attraction became.

Then, that fateful day arrived, when he was poisoned and Ruth's world fell apart. Standing over the lifeless form of the man she adored, as she tried to follow Dr. McCoy's instructions to save his life, Ruth realized the extent of her troubles. Those hours were the most grueling she had experienced, since she lost her mother. Along with the understanding that this was not a simple infatuation, came the crushing realization, as she watched Mr. Spock sit hours after hours next to James Kirk's bed, that she would never have a chance. She had watched when Kirk had finally regained consciousness, the way he looked at his friend, and Ruth knew hers was a lost cause. The final nail in her coffin was, when instead of feeling jealousy or bitterness towards Mr. Spock, she instead felt gratitude and warmth towards the stoic, quiet Vulcan. All she could think of was Jim's happiness. _Be happy, Jim._ And there was no one else Ruth could think of, who was a gentler and purer soul than Mr. Spock.

"Get up! We are dancing! I am not letting you sit here moping after him!" Aretta's voice broke Ruth's reverie.

 _Was she moping? Again?_ Ruth felt irritation at her herself. The last thing she wanted was to behave like some love-sick teenage girl. She had promised herself, that she would not let her life revolve around this doomed romance.

Ruth was an intensely private person, and at first even Aretta didn't suspect anything. But then, when Ruth became obsessed with the neurotoxin which had almost killed Kirk, her best friend started to get worried. Aretta, who was also her roommate, had to drag Ruth back to their room every night, so preoccupied had she become trying to find the compound's origin. After weeks of single-minded determination, Ruth had finally discovered it to be an obscure drug called Nerophrene. But, apart from updating the medical records of the case, she was helpless to do anything further. So, it was a welcome diversion when the exams had started and Ruth could forget about her heartache and worry for a while.

Ruth put down her untouched drink, took Aretta's hand and forced herself to smile. Aretta pulled Ruth through the throngs of bodies, the women dressed in glittering dresses, the men mostly in dark shirts and jeans, to the center of the mob. She was grateful for what Aretta was trying to do. She had been approached by at least ten men since she had arrived at the party. She had kindly turned them all down.

The two girlfriends swayed to the music and the pulsating multi-colored light which bathed the entire place in swatches of deep purple and red. She surveyed the crowd around her. Almost everyone from first year was there, and several of senior students as well.

Her eyes went to the figure, who was sitting at the bar. In the past hour, James Kirk had also been approached by many girls, but he too had refused every one of them. She noticed he didn't order any drink, instead, he had poured himself what looked like water, and like Ruth, had been sitting with that glass, pretending to drink! Something in his demeanor bothered Ruth. It was rare to see him so pensive. She took her eyes off before Aretta could catch her and tried to put her mind on the blaring tune.

* * *

Sean stood admiring himself in front of the mirror. His blue eyes, platinum blonde hair, tall and muscular frame turned every one's head he knew. He flexed his biceps and watched the muscles ripple under his skin, in the reflection. He was dressed in a light blue short-sleeve shirt, which made his eye-color pop out, and tight black jeans which made his long legs hard to miss. He mussed his hair once more, until it fell across his forehead in just the right way. Satisfied, he blew a kiss to his image and smiled seductively.

"You got pretty eyes, boy," he recalled his dad telling him once, when he was ten years old. "Did you know pythons use their eyes to hypnotize their prey?" His dad had winked at him.

Sean had wanted to correct his dad that it was an old myth, but he had beamed with pride at his dad's words and kept quiet. His world revolved around his father. Everything he could do to please his dad, he did it. Anything he could do to get his attention, Sean would never hesitate. His dad wasn't easily available. He was gone for months sometimes, and the other times, when he was stationed on Earth, he would work long days and sometimes even nights. But, moments like the one, where he complimented on Sean's eyes, his Dad would suddenly notice his existence and make Sean feel alive.

When Sean was four years old, he had found a dirty little puppy, on his way back from school. Sean loved animals. They never questioned him or laughed at him. He had picked up the puppy with great care and had carried it home in his arms. His mom was mortified but he brushed her aside. With her help, they had made a makeshift bed in a shoe box for his little friend, and Sean had sat all evening next to the brown lump of fur, trying to feed it.

When his Dad came home that night, dressed in his StarFleet uniform, which Sean admired so much, he ran to him, and proudly said, "Dad! Look what I found. Look here, Dad, it was not moving, but I am gonna take care of it."

The tall, powerfully built, StarFleet Captain had towered over the shoebox by the fireside, and his face had turned red.

"Why is this mongrel in my house?! I want it thrown out this very minute, OUT!"

Sean had been thunderstruck. "Dad...?" he had started in a timid way.

His father had looked at Sean with cold blue eyes, and brought his face down close to him. In a voice which made Sean shiver, his dad had warned, "I am not raising a sissy. You want to be a weakling like that - be my guest." And then he had grabbed Sean by the collar of his shirt with one hand, and the shoebox in another, and dragged them through the house. His dad had flung open the front door, thrown the box out with the puppy in it, into the cold freezing night, and kicked Finnegan out after it.

He had heard his mom shriek in terror from inside the house, but his Dad had silenced her with one blow to her face.

Sean remembered sitting on the frozen ground, shivering violently in his thin pajamas, his little heart hammering in his chest. All he had ever wanted was to please his dad. He had dared not move till he was sure his dad and mom were back inside, the door closed. When he had gone over to find his puppy, the tiny animal's body lay cold, broken and limp. Four year old Sean had sobbed bitterly in the quiet night, trying his best to muffle his cries with a fist to his lips - because he knew dad would never approve of crying. He had cradled the dead puppy in his arms and rocked back and forth, repeating over and over again, "You can sleep now, puppy. Sleep forever."

After a time, when he could no longer feel his toes and his face felt numb from the cold, the front door had quietly opened. In the sliver of light coming from inside the house, he had seen his mom come rushing, to scoop him in her arms. Her eyes were red and puffed and she walked with an awkward limp, but she had carried him inside.

"He is done for the night," she had whispered. Sean knew what that meant. He saw his dad sprawled on the armchair in the living room; a bottle by his side, an empty glass lying at his foot. Every night his dad would drink the 'grown up juice' and then fall asleep. His mother had carried Sean to his bedroom and had slept with him in his bed that night, holding Sean close to her.

That was the last time Sean had shown weakness.

Over the years, he developed a facade, which helped keep his private self, hidden from the public. He was the clown - at parties, in his class, at family gatherings. People loved laughing at his jokes. His practical jokes annoyed some, but delighted others. He was never taken seriously. It was only in the darkness of moonless nights, in deserted alleys, that the few unfortunate found, what his clown face hid.

Finnegan turned back from the mirror and looked at his roommate, Hachiro, who was bent over and polishing Sean's StarFleet boots. He slipped the piece of paper he was holding, into his jean's pocket and watched the fine piece of ass on his roommate. Sliding his arms into a heavy jacket, Sean licked his lips - his eyes never left the other man's behind. When he was fully dressed, Sean walked over and groped Hachiro firmly. Hachiro froze.

Sean brought his lips to the man's ears and spoke in a thick voice, "I got to go to a party now, but later tonight - you will be rewarded. Now finish polishing my boots." He squeezed once more before releasing Hachiro, and with a smile of satisfaction, Sean left his room.

When he was twelve years old, his mom left his dad and took Sean with her. She married another man, a guy called John Finnegan, who spoke softly and never raised his hand on his mom. His mom changed her last name and even changed Sean's last name. To keep him safe. To give him a fresh start, she had explained. But Sean didn't like his step-dad. The man was a sissy and was no match for the tough, heroic Captain of StarFleet his real dad had been.

So, when he had finally joined StarFleet and re-united with his Dad, who was now a vice-admiral, he was ecstatic. His dad had approved of the ruthless young man Sean had grown into. He started spending many weekend evenings in the posh apartment his dad lived in alone, on the headquarters premises, next to the Academy.

Over late night drinks, his dad talked of the challenges facing StarFleet - the agenda of weaker officers who wanted to turn StarFleet into a big happy family. Sean and his dad bonded over their mutual hatred towards these other officers and statesmen. Many nights, his dad would pass out drunk, and Sean took those opportunities to use his dad's terminal, which his dad never logged off. He spent hours, reading classified documents, and learning the inner workings of the organization his dad had dedicated his life to.

Sean delighted in discovering the high-stakes crimes committed in inter-stellar politics and learned the ways StarFleet's investigative branch worked. His dad oversaw the weaponry division of the entire fleet. This included cutting edge technologies aimed at improving physical weapons like photon torpedoes and phasers, as well as developing the latest chemical and biological means of warfare.

He read all of his dad's electronic communications and his admiration for his father grew even more, when he realized what his dad was up against. He never told his father, of course, of this breach of security.

In their second year, when Hachiro had flunked Stellar Cartography by just one point and was going to be chucked out of StarFleet, Sean had used his dad's influence to save Hachiro's career. Since then, Hachiro had stopped complaining to Sean's ministrations.

Sean himself had flunked almost every year in one of the boring courses StarFleet tortured them with. Computers were his passion and he was good at sciences too. But he couldn't care less to learn about topics like Interspecies Ethics or Early Starfleet History. His dad always took care of the pesky issue of his failing, and he had sailed through the four years so far.

He never changed his name back to Sean Burke. The fact that no one connected him to his dad, played out in his favor, and he liked it that way.

Sean was used to having his way. He had never found anyone truly desirable though. He just used people to satisfy his hunger. When the batch of new Cadets started in July, Sean was confused at his reaction to one particular trainee. The first day, Sean had idly observed him from a distance. The young man was strikingly handsome. Within the first week, judging by the circle of other students the plebe surrounded himself with, he was popular too.

Sean had introduced himself one morning in the cafeteria. For the first time since he could remember, Finnegan had wanted to be _friends_ with someone. Something about the blonde youth enticed him. He had learnt the name - James T. Kirk but then this Kirk had brushed Finnegan aside with a smile and walked away. _How dare he!_

Over the next weeks, Finnegan had tried to charm Kirk by playing some of his practical jokes. But, his plans backfired. Kirk showed no interested in Sean. He would watch Kirk from a distance, he would follow him around the campus and soon he knew the circle of friends the first year hung out with. Sean had next tried to use his humor and looks on those friends, to find a way to be included in Kirk's group. That too had backfired.

Then, he had heard about how Kirk's roommate, had instead managed to do, what Sean hadn't. When Finnegan observed those two - the Russian fawning over Kirk, and Kirk always smiling and looking at Cadet Ivanov with loving eyes - he was beyond infuriated. Standing over 6 feet tall, all muscles, Sean could have easily beaten any of them right there, if he wanted to. But, that would be too small a price to pay for rejecting him. No, they would pay with their very lives.

He had come up with a perfect plan. He laid out all the steps carefully and worked out the details over the next few days. It worked partially. Ivanov survived but at least left StarFleet forever. But Kirk, not only had he miraculously survived, but he was more popular than ever. Every time Sean saw the hazel eyed cadet smiling and laughing with his friends, or walking with the disgusting alien he had acquired, Sean's blood boiled.

Tonight, Sean was going to finish what he had started. His dad would be proud of him, he knew, though he didn't tell anyone anything. No one ever doubted him anyways. He was just a clown.

Stepping out of his building, into the cold night air, he slapped on the cartoonish smile on his face and caught a hovercraft going towards downtown San Francisco.


	29. Chapter 29

NOTE:

I will not be updating the story here any longer. If you are interested, the rest of the fic can be found on AO3, my username is BurningAmber there.

Live Long and Prosper.


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